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THE New BOOKE 
of Mr. Iohn Capons Wits. 
Dedicated to all witty folkes. 
How to have Money, 
Borrow good store from your friend, and 
never restore it; or else sell your corne, 
Wheat, and Barley, as I desire to sell my 
Bookes: or else be a good Merchant sel- 
ling more then you doe buy.
How to have a good Wife. 
You must marry the Widdow of a hang’d 
man, and she will never rayle nor chide you up- 
on the remembrance of the credit and good life 
of her last husband: or else take a very rich, and 
very olde woman; but doe not forget to take 
her very olde, or take her not at all. 
To be still young. 
You must dye before you be olde, or else be 
never angry, never colde nor hoat, never thirsty 
and never sick. 
How to be the richest of all, 
Remember that all goods be common, only 
have a good skill to gather them on your side. 
How to keepe your selves from being drunke, 
Drinke not to much Wine, or drinke not at 
all, or else afore you go in company drinke a ful 
glasse of greene Colwort water distilled.
A To

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To make one scratch, and hinder him from sleepe 
without any hurt. 
Take some stone-Allome which being poun- 
ded to powder, spread it in his bed. 
To fatten a Horse quickely. 
Give him at meales two handfull of wheat 
dipped for 24 houres in Mans water, with a lit- 
tle Cummin, and some Fennell seede amongst it, 
and Oats and Hay his belly-full, and well dres- 
sed. 
To be as good a Doctor as I in a quarter 
of an houre. 
Take your money and bestow it upon my 
Booke and reade it well. 
To cause the haire of a Max to fall vpon 
a suddaine, 
Ye must take the white of three eggs, & the 
bignesse of an egge of lime, and a drag me of 
Orpiment or Arsenick,with halfe a pint of Lye; 
mingle all together, and rub the place whereof 
ye will have the haire to fall off, and vpon an in- 
stant you shall see it done. 
To be merry and make good cheare, while 
others starve With hunger. 
As soone as the Meat is brought vpon the ta- 
ble, being very hot, take the treble string of a 
Lute or Violl, and cut it in small pieces and put 
them vpon the meat, and it will seeme to be full 
of wormes, and nobody but you will tast of it.
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To know if a Maid have her maidenhead. 
Take her upon her oath, and believe her, 
other wife tickle her upon the knee, if she doe 
not laugh, and suffer it she is a pure maide. 
To be Well beloved of his sweet-heart. 
Give her any content, or match with an 
other. 
To be a proper Gentleman. 
Take every day a new sute of apparell, or take 
one of my Balls for spots to rub your old one, 
to take away the foulenesse and spots. 
To cause that all Women Who shall be at a feast, shall 
nor be able to hold their water. 
Take salt Risus, and put it in their drinke, then 
shall you see the pleasant Comedy.
To cause an old Woman Without hurt to fart 
all day long. 
Take some Ants egges, and put them in her 
Pottage, or drinke, and you shall fee the effect 
thereof. 
To perfume Tobacco, and to cause a 
sweete breath. 
Take of my Powder to mingle with your to-  
bacco, or put three pound of Muske, and four 
pound of Amber-Greece, beside a pound and an 
halfe of Benjamin, put all together with three 
penny-worth of Tabacco and drinke it. 
To cause one to sleepe foundly for 14 houres. 
Take some Cats grease , wherewith annoint 
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the temples of his head, afterward you shall fee 
how he will fall into a deep sleepe,having drunk 
a pottle of burned Sacke, besides Claret and 
White. 
To make the Teeth white. 
Take some Christall, Corall, and Dragons 
bloud an ounce of each one, pound it together, 
afterward make an Electuary, with honey of 
sofes, then rub your teeth. 
To Write any Marke or Letters upon Iron 
or Steele. 
Ye must take some clay or waxe, annoynt with 
it the Iron, and then write upon the clay or 
Waxe, so that the letters doe touch the Iron, and 
put in some Aqua fortis, let it rest for 24 houres 
you shall finde the writing well framed. 
To make a Women Loving and kind to her  
Husband, and the Husband like Wife 
to his Wife. 
Match both together being young and live 
no more but foure and twenty houres after,one 
or both of you , and wee are to hope you passe
Without strife. 
FINIS