THE NATURAL HISTORY 
OF THE SPECIES MEDICUS 
(ZUR NATURGESCHICHTE DES MEDICUS) 
BY 
Dr. RISORIUS SANTORINI 
TRANSLATED BY 
"FAMULUS " 
Dem's juckt, der kratze sich 
REPRINTED FROM THE NEW YORK MEDICAL JOURNAL 
FOR MAY 14, 1892 
N E W Y O R / 
D. APPLETON AND COMPANY 
1892 THE NATURAL HISTORY 
OF THE SPECIES MEDICOS 
(ZUR NATURGESCHICHTE DES MEDICUS) 
BY 
Dr. RISORIUS SANTORINI 
TRANSLATED BY 
"FAMULUS" 
Dem's juckty der kratze si ch 
REPRINTED FROM THE NEW YORK MEDICAL JOURNAL 
FOR MA Y 14, 1892 
NEW YORK 
D. APPLETON AND COMPANY 
1892 Copybight, 1892, 
By D. APPLETON AND COMPANY. CONTENTS. 
Historical Introduction 5 
Class I. Medici Academici 7 
Order 1. Professor Ordinarius Consilarius Secretus . . 8 
Order 2. Professor Extraordinarily10 
Order 3. Privat-Docent U 
Class II. Specialists 14 
Order 1. The Neurologists 15 
Order 2. The Gynaecologists g 
Order 3. The Charlatan 17 
Class III. Birds of Passage 19 
Order 1. The Bath Physician . 19 
Order 2. The Clinic Fiend 21 
Class IV. Medicus Practicus 23 
Order 1. The Lion of the Boudoir .... 23 
Order 2. The Graduated Jackass 24 
Order 3. The Honest Old Family Physician . . 27 THE NATURAL HISTORY OF THE 
SPECIES MEDICUS. 
Historical Preface. 
Mankind, as Mr. Darwin states, 
Belongs to the class "Vertebrates." 
The " Genus Homo " roamed the land 
With sea-horse, mammoth, elephant, 
Before the age diluvian, 
The so-called " prehistoric man." 
But many a learned antiquary 
Thinks these deposits tertiary. 
A miocene discovery 
Would strengthen Darwin's theory; 
The fact of species-variation 
Would surely find its explanation 
In secrets geological 
Anthropomorphological. 
Then up, ye palaeontologists ! 
Grasp spade and hammer in your fists: 
Search the coal-measures carefully 
Until the long-sought spoor you see 
In caenozoic gloomy night 
Of our ancestral Troglodyte. 
The law of natural selection 
Leads ever upward toward perfection. 
Mankind the effort never ceases 
To propagate the human species. 6 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
Prcesumptio est, the man ideal 
Is slowly now becoming real; 
As each sire grants to son, unmerited 
Virtues he from his sire inherited. 
As type, Te Deum Laudamus, 
Is reckoned foremost, Medicus. 
For it is known to every proctor 
That Father Adam was a doctor. 
And Henry Faust with equal ease 
Read Scripture and Hippocrates. 
And the foul fiend, fresh from damnation, 
Oft aids in biblical translation; 
Again appears with counsel wary 
As a physician literary. 
He would have penned the great creative process 
"In the beginning was the diagnosis." 
Earliest history tells the story 
Of drugs and operations gory. 
And as we learn from Homer's Iliad, 
Wounds then were dressed with balm of Gilead ; 
And in Achilles's bold array 
The doctor was an attache, 
Although in puncto chirurgiai 
He had not much that's called esprit. 
How would our dapper surgeons feel 
Should a slight wound upon the heel, 
Such as befell this general, 
Prove to be instantly lethal ? 
The ages crown with recognition 
Hippocrates as a clinician. 
His fame is dear to every heart 
As " Father of the healing art." 
But in his day we note this feature: 
He was empiric as a teacher. 
He had no inkling of dissection, 
Nor of arterial injection. 
Enough-'mid medical afflictions 
We're spared his " positive convictions." THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
7 
But high above all mean disguises 
The learned Egyptian doctor rises- 
A privy councilor in condition, 
Herophilus, the court physician. 
His research took a new direction, 
He practiced bloody vivisection. 
In which, by Seleukos's permission 
(Physiology then had a mission), 
Material for researches loyal 
Was amply found in debtors royal. 
Peril surrounded noble clients, 
But 'twas a golden age for science. 
When thus by royal favor fostered, 
Our colleagues and our calling prospered. 
The ars curandi made advance 
And worthy spirits joined its ranks. 
This was the time when Galen wrote, 
Whom our own authors freely quote, 
Who, in the sixteenth century, 
Enjoyed infallibility. 
In short, the medical profession 
Has proved the truth of evolution. 
Where one the grip has failed to keep, 
Two others are set on their feet. 
And with the multiple diseases 
The corps of specialists increases. 
As Darwin's theory proved true, 
The species strong and stronger grew; 
And from division of their labor 
Established races, each a neighbor. 
How these have thrived and propagated 
Will now in rhyme be briefly stated. 
Class I. Medici Academici. 
When several separate generations 
Dwell in harmonious relations, 8 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
Though occupying different spheres, 
The species one to be appears: 
We speak of " heterogeny," 
And call the whole a " colony." 
As sample of instinct politic 
Observe the insect-republic 
Which the industrious Formicidce 
Maintain for rich as well as needy. 
Each member of the insect nation 
Pursues a certain occupation. 
A. guards the city from surprise ; 
B. furnishes the food supplies ; 
While C., with eager emulation, 
Devotes himself to copulation. 
That in the " struggle for existence " 
They may present a firm resistance. 
In human arts the insect law persists, 
The " colony " as " faculty " exists. 
The " Adjunct" X. strives valiantly 
To guard scholastic dignity; 
Professor Y., with cautious unction, 
As number C. performs his function ; 
The beast of burden least resistant 
Is the " Instructor " called " Assistant." 
Order 1. Professor Ordinaries Consilarius Secretes. 
As chief official in this corps 
We see some hoary Councilor. 
Sometimes he's even " State Physician," 
Which really is no mean position. 
Early and late, where'er he be, 
His eye is on the Faculty ; 
That the bald heads of fossils hoary 
May not be shorn of former glory ; 
And that no modern heretic 
Some middle-ages bubble prick. 
Because the " honored faculty " 
Presents infallibility. THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
9 
The theory their wisdom utters 
Is therapeutics for the gutters. 
To keep the caste inviolate, 
Maintain ideas long out of date ; 
To keep youth well refrigerated- 
This is the mission of the aged. 
And to prevent things getting mixed 
They like their own offspring well fixed. 
For instance, if his name be Gray,* 
He looks around him every way, 
How he can plan that Number One 
May fall to his beloved son ; 
And all the members of the breed 
With pride their comrades supersede, 
So that the dynasty of Gray 
Grows more extensive every day 
By in-and-in maternity 
From now until eternity. 
For this, important points appear 
As motives, salient and clear. 
Science takes secondary place 
In elevation of the race, 
When with a title like a steeple 
An old man hoodwinks " common people." 
The title " City Inspector " 
In worth more than a newspaper, 
To the proud conciliarum 
With all the high-priced publicum. 
For a prescription from his pen 
Costs a gold eagle ; ah ! but then- 
Ten times the action surely follows 
Than if the doctor charged three dollars. 
* Any of the other indifferent colors may be selected, instead of the 
one here mentioned, according to the chromatic requirements of the 
reader. 10 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
Order 2. Professor Extraordinarius. 
The Laboring Family Man. 
From instinct comes the aspiration 
In mankind for official station. 
A title renders great assistance 
In the long struggle for existence. 
When once he's reached the " Adjunct's " fame 
He longs for the " Professor's " name. 
And out of twelve, perhaps eleven 
No greater boon could ask of Heaven. 
But here, like as in Holy Writ, 
Many are called, but few are fit. 
So, pour plaisir, we read and hear 
Things only which are popular. 
Science attracts both him and Aer, 
Thanks to the efforts of Pasteur. 
The public reads with glad surprise 
The effusions of this Solon wise 
In every agricultural paper, 
As well as in the Gospel Taper. 
Which all declare his genius rising : 
This is " judicious " advertising. 
His various " researches " amount 
Only to swell his bank account. 
There's sometimes great utility 
In fashionable charity. 
But to all hearts he gains the key 
By " Lectures on Emergency," 
Enhanced, if he possess the nickel 
The editorial palm to tickle, 
When great and small will surely read ■ 
That he is a " great man " indeed. 
But genius her great triumph wins 
When the Professor now begins 
To bring his daughters under cover 
By means of eligible lover : THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
11 
Especially if female lambs 
Be the sole product of his hams.* 
Order 3. The Adjunct Professor. 
Salute, my lay, with studied grace 
The most imposing of the race.- 
As clouds soar o'er the city's pile, 
//o towers above the " rank and file." 
" Adjunct Professor " is the name 
To which this animal lays claim. 
A prototype of erudition, 
It graciously grants recognition 
To other works of God's creation ; 
But only like a " poor relation." 
It poses as Hygeia's watchman 
Upon the walls of learning's Zion. 
It seizes Nature's blindest riddles, 
Groups them in systems while it piddles ; 
Its eyes sometimes to mortals sink, 
Because the beast must always think. 
Anon, it shows on forehead high 
The wrinkles of philosophy ; 
And trims, in aping the Professor, 
Its beard, designed by the hair-dresser. 
The above is but the foetal state 
Of what develops soon or late, 
According to the elements, 
Into " Surgeon to Out-patients." 
The earlier is the stage latent; 
This is the full development. 
But meanwhile in his surgery 
There is a cloak of mystery. 
And mystery alone is able 
To grant a halo round the Schaedel. 
What virtue would the halo have 
If every layman could perceive 
* i, e., loins. 12 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
The veil which hides the goddess-form ? 
That was the reason that in Rome 
The Haruspices took their rise 
To throw dust into prying eyes, 
And pull the wires behind the curtain. 
With the first blush of coming day, 
Our Doctor starts upon his way. 
The hospital first claims his skill, 
Where the Internes with eager will 
Pulse, respiration, temperature 
Have taken with precision sure ; 
Have tried each patient's fragrant urine 
To see if it contains hippurin; 
Secured the anamnesia, 
And booked the whole with pious care ; 
For it is far beneath Docents 
To investigate the elements- 
Charms for philosophers like these 
Have only the " higher analyses." 
" Clinical material " useless is, 
Except to build hypotheses, 
Which, comet-like, blaze one by one 
Upon the clinic's horizon. 
A novel remedy is found; 
With great discretion handed round, 
Quickly it everywhere is tried. 
The special journals all describe 
The clinical experiments; 
Each one the other compliments. 
Things thus four weeks at most remain; 
We never hear of it again. 
The discoverer smiles whene'er alone 
" By Jove! it's pleasant to be known ! " 
When this mild comedy is played, 
Quickly another scene is laid: 
Now thallin, next day pyridine, 
And the day after urethane ! THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
13 
And even thou, potent cocaine, 
Into what mischief hast thou been 
That man should show thee such abuse, 
Per os et anum introduce ? 
Though we the fraud at length observe, 
The plan shows method and shows nerve. 
Hence people call this deviltry 
The " only rational therapy." 
But even the man of sense acutest 
Can win no fame as therapeutist, 
For just now Science her favor yields 
Only in pathognostic fields. 
The claims of Science now demand 
Quasi " researches " from his hand. 
Therefore he pays his amorous court 
To bacteriology; in short, 
He tries by fine hypotheses 
Thus to account for all disease. 
And being " modern," " just announced," 
No " want " was ever more pronounced, 
Each downy, newly-hatched Docent 
Has need of " special experiment." 
Each " Adjunct's " head presents a lump 
Labeled, " Investigations-bump." 
The suffering rabbit is infected, 
All kinds of gurry are injected, 
And soon "pure cultures" we may see.- 
Oh, Koch ! What do we owe to thee! 
Nothing now aids the " cause eternal " 
As does a "liberal medical journal," 
Which kindly tells the " rank and file " 
What this great mind achieves meanwhile. 
Often we slumber o'er the letter- 
His motto is, " The more the better." 
Twelve columns upon Gonococcus ! 
What need in hospitals to lock us ? 14 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
It also causes him no sorrow 
If in the same review to-morrow 
By Dr. X. the sham's exposed, 
And all his canting fraud disclosed. 
Each one " discovers " what he can 
To make a name or mar a man. 
His glory lasts about four weeks. 
Afterward no one of it speaks. 
Each folly runs its course specific; 
And people call this " scientific." 
So slowly passes year by year 
Of Docent's suffering career. 
For, ah! with all his application, 
He fails the longed " Professor's " station ; 
Thereby our Docent's entire stage 
Comprises but the larva age. 
For his own merit, of all things, 
Is suited least for growth of wings. 
Make but one other change in life; 
Pay court to the Professor's wife;- 
With higher aims strive valiantly 
To rise within the " colony." 
A kindly warmth your limbs will thaw 
When you've become a son-in-law. 
Class II. The Specialists. 
Even in our calling is provided 
That higher art should be divided. 
Each province is well isolated, 
For " science " is so complicated; 
Smith leans to neurotherapy; 
Jones more to gynaecology; 
Currie's a dentist and my own, 
And skin disease is cured by Cohn. 
Each specialist is known to be 
Unquestionable " authority." THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
15 
Order 1. The Neurologist. 
Medicos sanitarium neuropathieum privatum diriff ens. 
A large role in disease to-day 
Neurasthenia is known to play. 
At times with speed like that of steam 
It rushes through life's vivid dream.- 
The pallid youth in tenderest years, 
While yet scarce dry behind the ears, 
Wrestles with Bacchus and Gambrinus, 
With nicotine and goddess Venus.- 
The maiden, in steel corset tight, 
Like the Nyanza, blooms at night; 
Inflames her chaste imagination 
With scenes of Zola's mild creation; 
Acquires as sign of culture then- 
For this belongs to " upper ten "- 
Chlorosis and amenorrhoea 
Combined with " reflex diarrhoea." 
A nervous female in that line 
Surpasses all the Muses nine. 
This trouble is conveniently 
Peculiar to the " Quality." 
It stands the doctor in good stead 
As means to win his daily bread. 
The doctor is a pure clinician 
In his rude, embryo condition, 
But he attends most punctually 
The lectures on psychiatry. 
Then modestly his name appears, 
As " Specialist for many years," 
To which he adds, with zeal astute, 
A "Neuropathic Institute," 
" In the most charming region " lives 
[Particulars our pamphlet gives], 
" Forests with fragrance of pine cone, 
Atmosphere laden with ozone, 
From northern blasts by hills protected, 
Romantic picnic tours projected; 16 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
Arojmd the Home a noble ground; 
Board reasonable [£100]." 
The doctor wins his way with ease 
If he the fair, frail sex can please. 
Platonic freedom from all passion 
Is his most valuable possession. 
For " confidence is slowly won 
In nervous patients." [Nettleton.] 
The therapy is " rational " 
Only when " individual," 
But the brave doctor has at hand 
Three mighty adjuncts on demand. 
These will respond with vigor bold 
When water hot and water cold 
And even electricity 
Will not secure felicity; 
In treatment, they're ace, king, and queen, 
Bromkali, chloral, and morphine. 
Order 2. The Gynecologist. 
Medians parfumatus. 
Dip, gentle Muse, as " dame d'honneur" 
Thy magic wand in " eau de mille flours " ; 
Lead me as guardian angel on 
Into the incense-filled salon 
Where, gently dimmed, the light of day 
Through gauzy curtains makes its way; 
Where ornaments, in taste the best, 
The heaving bosom's pangs arrest; 
While Rubens's deathless " Garden of Love " 
Directs their thoughts to "things above." 
Here the fond patients timid wait 
For the expected tete-d-tete 
With him they love, while yet they fear; 
The deity they worship here. 
In true artistic nonchalance 
The picture of male elegance, THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
17 
A velvet robe of pattern rare, 
With " scientific " beard and hair, 
While on his fingers soft and white, 
Gems sparkle in reflected light. 
He sits as if in marble cast- 
Nature's best work, as well as last. 
From top of head to plantar hollow 
As Aesculapius and Apollo: 
To Madam, faithful to advise, 
To Magdalen, a father wise, 
He hears with patience the confession 
Of honor's breach, and love's wild passion; 
With " Ah ! " and " Oh ! " " what shall I do ? " 
[Compare with Goethe's Faust, act two.] 
On this one point without cessation 
He centers all his application.- 
Ten dollars is the usual fee; 
It's double this sum frequently. 
If, spite of all, the cure's delayed, 
The " Springs " serve as a lightning rod. 
Who knows the " waters " knows their names, 
Where cures are sought by gentle dames. 
At Hot Springs, Baden, Saratoga, 
Sibyllenort, Ems, Lake Ladoga, 
Our doctor stands on best of terms 
With all the various hotel " firms." 
Carlsbad is now most highly prized, 
By ladies greatly patronized. 
Charms there are found which please the sense, 
With which at home they must dispense. 
Ye Gods above ! women are wise ! 
Oh ! husbands ! have you then no eyes ? 
Order 3. The Advertising Quack. 
Medicus charlatan. 
To former times we're carried back 
By contemplation of the quack. 
Well has this parasitic trash 
Learned how to peddle spurious cash. 18 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
On open squares all ills of man 
Were "treated" by the charlatan, 
Aided by a street mendicant 
Who lured the sufferers to his tent. 
The " enlightened press " with powerful sway 
Serves as his mendicant to-day, 
Where every page the eye displeases, 
With " Specialist in skin diseases." 
For secret sins of every kind 
He only knows the cure to find. 
The assistant loudly shouts the praise 
Of " Cohn, chief doctor of our days." 
And Itzig wrote with pen which ran good 
A treatise on Decay of Manhood. 
The cure is wrought by a " specific." 
The treatment's purely " scientific," 
But acts with greater certainty 
When aided by a liberal fee. 
" Relations strictly confidential, 
Absence from business not essential." 
Practice of this kind pays quite well. 
The doctor knows his clientele : 
The student and the circus-rider, 
The hogreve and the humble schneider, 
With troubles of a certain class, 
Into his hands as patients pass. 
It is well known through all the town, 
His only terms are " money down." 
And as each case is quickly stated 
To be " uncommon complicated," 
The patient finds at last the fee 
Quite a financial penalty. 
The sufferer can not get away; 
For when he nothing more can pay 
As token of his penitence, 
The villain stakes his confidence. 
By " confidence " he keeps his " jobs," 
By " confidence " the patient robs, THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
19 
By " confidence " his dupe denounces, 
When he at last the doctor " bounces." 
Therefore this kind of mountebank 
Is numbered in the "Vampire" rank. 
Class III. Birds of Passage. 
Order 1. The Hydropathic Specialist. 
Medicus balneus elegans. 
In spring, when from the Nile's green shore 
The feathered warblers northward soar, 
When amorous nightingles are singing, 
And swallows their weird flight are winging, 
When storks stride through the reedy bogs 
In search of winter-fattened frogs, 
The bath-physician, like the other 
Gay birds of passage, leaves his cover. 
His winter beard falls to the razor, 
For fashions new he leaves his measure, 
Then circulates his "summer card," 
St. Moritz, Carlsbad, Martha's Yard. 
Nature, scarce waked from winter chill, 
Shivers in rime upon the hill, 
While in the sheltered valley deep 
Graze undisturbed the fleecy sheep. 
Already in the leafy grove 
The finches carol notes of love, 
While peals from every hostelry 
The " sanitary orchestra." 
Behold! The tardy signs appear! 
Ho! Invalids, the spring is here. 
From north and south, from east and west, 
Now comes the pale-faced summer guest. 
From Maine the manufacturer, 
From Buffalo the beer-brewer, 
A colonel fresh from Bowling Green, 
From England Lord and Lady Spleen, 20 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
And then, with rank and title higher, 
From Russia, Poland, Turkey, Speyer 
[Now, Doctor, play most carefully], 
The princely crowd of -koff and -ky. 
And finally-oh, height of bliss ! 
His Highness, " Serenissimus." 
Take courage, Doctor, it's your mission, 
" Highness " will make you Court-physician. 
I see already on your breast 
The " order-medal," softly pressed, 
Of " Lippe-Detmold " and " Reuss-Schleitz. " 
Ambition now takes loftier flights; 
One further gracious act of power, 
And, lo! the Privy Councilor! 
Now as you write each proud initial 
You'll say "The baths are beneficial." 
To this you may with right aspire : 
The laborer should have his hire. 
Such a reward begets renown ; 
Such merit should receive its crown. 
Then head aloft! nor feel a care, 
However your colleagues may stare. 
Their envy should not mar your joy, 
No earthly bliss but has alloy. 
You've won distinction through the State 
By means of sodium carbonate. 
Of hydrotherapy the staff, 
See " interesting monograph." 
[A learned work, and finely bound, 
At all the news stands to be found 
By the beloved publicum.] 
It treats of waters and of him. 
Highly important 'tis to guard 
In health resorts the promenade, 
For only prcesente medico 
Can healing from the waters flow. THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
21 
At break of day, and full of grace, 
Our Medicus is at his place, 
In latest-modeled habitus, 
With silver buttoned baculus.- 
Thus he approaches, brave, sedate, 
In all respects immaculate. 
At duty's bidding see him stand, 
With gold chronometer in hand. 
Here, Countess's pulse must be inspected; 
There, Highness's tongue must be projected; 
Now lifts the hat to ask a swell 
If "Excellency rested well." 
" Two glasses, Marquis ? Hold, I pray ! 
Your health requires that I cry nay! 
Your noble stomach debonnair 
One and a half at most can bear." 
" I beg your pardon, Admiral, 
To-day, but one hour on the mall! 
Free exercise is Nature's balm, 
Excess can lead to naught but harm." 
" No, Countess, it is hard, I own; 
Nothing at present but bouillon! " 
" Excuse me, Baron, gracious Heaven! 
Already it is near eleven! 
His Highness waits ; a la lever, 
Au revoir at dejeuner! " 
Order 2. The Immature Clinical Fiend. 
Medicus fere omnia seiens. 
When science is to be acquired 
The fruits of travel are desired. 
The man of means may go for pleasure, 
The merchant, sea and land must measure- 
May gold reward his energy; 
His Lordship travels from ennui. 
The bashful newly married pair 
Travel, they know not why or where. 22 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
By higher aspirations fired, 
The doctor travels far and wide; 
His portmanteau is packed with care, 
His " old man " must the drafts prepare, 
And thus he journeys-grace divine- 
Toward Vienna's classic shrine 
As hastening to his waiting bride. 
His bosom swells with conscious pride, 
Celebrities of every land 
Now as " colleague " extend the hand. 
As a " distinguished foreigner " 
He has a seat in the parterre, 
And listens with upturned proboscis 
To the symptomic diagnosis; 
At times he smiles in condescension, 
To show his lofty comprehension. 
Thus stalks this scientific vulture, 
This greedy carrion crow of culture, 
To clinics uninvited turning, 
A windbag of promiscuous learning, 
Till finally he moves his quarters 
Near where earth's frail and fallen daughters 
Promise " material " all too free 
For living craniotomy. 
Nowhere in surgical domain 
Would be allowed this septic bane. 
Here meanwhile he may boldly try 
His virgin forceps to apply 
As soon as he with silver balm 
Has crossed the gentle midwife's palm. 
The assistants also fully know 
The meaning of a quid pro quo. 
And when the labor is concluded 
He seeks a restaurant secluded 
Where Bacchus, Venus incarnate, 
Assist him to recuperate. 
Anon at home we see him landing, 
A man of " ripened understanding." THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
23 
Class IV. Medicus Practicus. 
Order 1. The Lion of the Boudoir. 
The doctor makes a gain emphatic 
By aping ways aristocratic. 
Especially in the female world 
Much hangs on how the hair is curled. 
Whoever then would be in tone 
Must make these manners all his own, 
Which act as " open sesame," 
For those who " upper ten " would be. 
Always in faultless taste arrayed, 
Reeking with perfume and pomade, 
With diamond ring, silk hat, glaces, 
Shoes patent leather, gold pince-nez; 
Upon the hour of the visite 
He waits upon the " haut elite." 
And if with wit and bon esprit 
He ornaments the causerie, 
He knows the time not far away 
For audience in neglige. 
With gossip from the matinee, 
From corso, grand ball, and soiree, 
He drives away through eye and ear 
All that her fancy had to fear. 
Till soon, from treatment without end, 
He is a most dangerous family friend: 
He is a living neverslip 
In point of close companionship. 
Round noble minds he weaves his toils 
Close as the gliding serpent coils, 
And cultivates with ardent passion 
The vices of the world of fashion. 
The arts of gaming he has learned, 
To feats of chance his hand has turned, 
The jockey club he also prizes, 
And loud his winnings advertises; 
For knowledge of the Derby races 
The climax on attainments places. 24 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
The news in latest buffet scenes, 
Last scandals of the lyric queens; 
The newest " bon mot " of the street 
He gives, the kernel and the meat, 
With effort which no limit knows 
Repeats the tale where'er he goes. 
Thus only in the " higher walks " 
Of life this gaudy creature stalks. 
Cajoled by disappointed dames 
He thus a certain standing claims. 
Applaudlte, then, colleagues all! 
You all would suffer should he fall. 
Science must rise, cost what it may, 
E'en though her pedestal be clay. 
Order 2. The Graduated Jackass. 
Medicus asinus. 
In ancient times the doctor's gown 
Was like an heirloom handed down. 
But even the garment most sublime 
Grows shabby with the lapse of time, 
And gowns, like other earthly wares, 
Are also variable affairs. 
Oft 'neath the doctor's hat appears 
A prominent pair of ass's ears. 
The first-born son is now sixteen . . . 
And great anxiety is seen 
In frequent family councils grave 
As to what calling he shall have. 
Law would cost father too much "tin." 
As teacher he's not worth a pin; 
The aunt suggests " theology." 
" No ! that at least can never be ! " 
Cries the whole family with misgiving; 
"In that he ne'er could get a living." 
" No, dearest Auntie, in our day 
Medicine is by a long way THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
25 
The best-there is no doubt of it, 
He could make something out of it." 
Therefore, solely for the " tin," 
The fellow studies medicine. 
Only that knowledge can be right 
Which safely stands in black and white. 
Therefore in notebook he records 
The old professor's drowsy words, 
And duly notes from A to Z 
Whate'er of practice he may see. 
For observation is in minority 
Against a pedagogue's authority. 
Their therapeutical " arrangements," 
The way they classify " derangements," 
The methods they in treatment try 
Are most convenient for a " b'y." 
He does not need to doubt or quibble, 
Only a daubed receipt to scribble; 
Goes only to his desk to seek 'em 
From Doctor Docent's Vade Mecum 
For every dullard's quick advisement 
[It answers as an advertisement]. 
The examination makes him tremble. 
Its terrors he can not dissemble. 
He has no confidence in shamming, 
So zealously resorts to cramming. 
That which he has in lectures taken, 
Trusting thereby to save his bacon, 
He rolls forth without hesitation, 
To each his wordy peroration. 
At length he passes all the quaestors, 
Is ranked among the " coming Nestors," 
Is titled virurn illustrum 
And all the rest of quid and quern, 
Recorded in his grave diploma 
In classic terms of ancient Roma. 26 
THE NATURAL HISTORY OF 
Now Michael need not fear the future, 
Although he know not pill from suture; 
Need not in science to speculate, 
Nor theories to ventilate. 
He has no use for such possessions 
Now that he's joined the "learned professions." 
Before his neighbors and relations, 
Whate'er their state or occupations, 
The cousins, uncles, nephews, aunts, 
Whether in petticoats or pants, 
Wet-nurses, midwives, foul or neat, 
The officers upon the beat- 
He throws the dust in all their eyes, 
That they his skill may advertise. 
It's quite essential the first cure 
Should be made pleasant, prompt, and sure. 
One does well to select migraine, 
For morphine will relieve the pain; 
Should this fail, as sometimes it will, 
We've plenty of narcotic still; 
If thus we give the patient rest, 
The laity is much impressed. 
A syringe is his first selection 
For subcutaneous injection. 
Next to his heart it finds a place 
Within a silver-plated case. 
Where " indications " he detects 
He " symptomatically " injects. 
Enough; the valiant Michael quick 
Is widely known among the sick. 
But in regard to surgery 
He shows a marked antipathy. 
For pulling teeth he has a passion, 
But knives are now quite out of fashion. 
By salves much comfort is achieved; 
Fear of the knife is thus relieved; 
And should the patient not do well, 
He's carted to the hospital. THE SPECIES MEDICUS. 
27 
Order 3. The Honest Old Family Physician. 
I turn my gaze from these delusive forms. 
Bring from the shadows of the honored past, 
Fond memory, the bravest of our race, 
And let me glance at long-neglected worth. 
No laurel decks thy brow, but where thy spirit true 
Thy comrades showed the way to live and do. 
There lives thy form, enthroned in every heart; 
There thou art still, and hast in life a part. 
On the low couch within the chamber dim 
A sufferer waits the last long struggle grim; 
Thou comest; it is light, and sorrow disappears, 
Pain is forgotten; hope replaces fears. 
So happy makes thy face, so brave thy kindly glance, 
The touch of thy loved hand brings ease and confidence. 
And, what with sordid gold can not compare, 
The tears of gratitude reward thy care. 
I see thee, dearest councilor and best, 
The children's friend, the always welcome guest. 
Sorrow is shared, and doubled is the joy, 
Affection true, and trust without alloy. 
I hear thy accents, fresh from noble mind, 
In language chaste, in motive always kind. 
Thy cutting satire, causing fools to quake, 
Who on some passing whim their fortunes stake. 
Shall I entice thee to the motley crowd, 
Thou hoary guest of period long since past, 
That tricksters of an age beneath thy worth 
Should air their folly on thy classic robe ? 
Let us away from busy streets' commotion, 
Turning aside into the silent vale, 
And where some ancient comrade kindly beckons, 
There let us rest, and grant me thy communion. & B REASONS WHY 
Physicians Should 
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