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"YesJiall know the truth." , '■ - <■ . r C^ ■ j'.-.-"■><4 ^■'/■.>3U/F is CHICAGO: PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR. A. B. Case, Printer. 189 Monroe St 1868. PIP fit 7 /?& f. Entered according to &ot of Congress A. D., 1868, bj MRS. E. P. W. PACKARD, In the Clerk's office of .the Diet. Court for the Northern Dist. of Illinois. Preface. The legalized usurpation of human rights is the great evil underlying our social fabric. From this corrupt center spring the evils of our social system. This corruption has culmin- ated in the Insane Asylums of the nineteenth century. Let the Government but remove this cause of insanity, and the need of such Institutions would be greatly lessened. So long as the enlightened mothers of the present day are obliged to assert and defend their own identity, sim- ply because the Government fails to do it, so long will their offspring bear the seeds of unbalanced organization, which only waits for circumstances to develop into insanity. It is one object of the writer in giving her narrative to the world, to fasten the public eye upon this evil, as the great germinating cause of the insanity of the present age. The great evil of our present Insane Asylum System lies in the fact, that insanity is there treated as a crime, instead of a misfortune, which is indeed a gross act of injustice. Supposing our Government should establish a Charitable In- stitution for the purpose of taking all who have had the mis- fortune to lose their property, and imprison them, where they could be punished to any extent, without appeal, for this ca- lamity which had befallen them. Supposing too, th« Govern- IV FREFACE. ment forced this class to accept the discipline of this Charit- able Institution, without their own consent, on the verdict of a jury, that they had lost their property—would this guar- dianship of human rights be recognized as hnmanitarian or just? But supposing the defenders of such Institutions should contend that it is for " their good," and the good of "society" to thus entomb them; "for, they are no comfort to themselves, nor their families," while saddened by the loss of their for- tunes and business reputation; and besides, we do not call this Institution a Prison, but an Asylum, "where they can rest, and be kindly cared for." But permit me to reply that calling it an Asylum, when it is in reality a Prison, where they are punished for their mis- fortune, does not materially help the matter. And besides, whether legalized injustice ever promoted the good of the individual, or society, is a question yet to be settled. To lose one's property and become poor and dependent is a great misfortune, and such unfortunates ought to receive our commiseration, and be encouraged and helped to rise and retrieve their fortunes, instead of being cast out of society as public nuisances, to be publicly branded as men whose busi- ness capacities are henceforth to be regarded with suspicion and distrust. If it would be unreasonable to treat the mis- fortune of losing property on this principle, how can it be reasonable to treat a greater misfortune—that of losing one's reason—on this same principle ? In disclosing to the blinded public the real character of their Insane Asylums, the author has relied mainly upon her own personal observation, and threo years experience, as data PREFACE. V from which to draw her own conclusions ; and if from this data her conclusions are not legitimate, she asks the reader to be the judge. And it is to add weight to these conclusions, that she has annexed to her narrative the testimony of several other mar- ried women, who have experienced a term of imprisonment in Jacksonville Insane Asylum. Of these five ladies whose statements she has appended, three of them, viz : Mrs. Olsen, Mrs.Minard and Mrs. Shedd, claim that they have never been insane. Of that part of Mrs. Olsen's thrilling narrative relating to myself, the writer would say that she feels a delicacy in al- lowing herself to be so lauded in her own book, and that her only apology for so doing lies in the fact, that her confidence in Mrs Olsen's intelligence, Christianity and her purity of purpose was so entire, that she consented to publish her nar- rative before reading it herself. It may be a satisfaction to the readers of this volume to know, that the facts herein stated have been authenticated and corroborated by the Illinois Investigating Committee, ap- pointed by the Legislature of 1867 to investigate and report the result to the Governor ; which they did on the second of December, following. In this Report, the writer, Mrs. Olsen, Mrs.Minard, Mrs. Shedd,andfive others, were acknowledged as competent witnesses in the following language, viz :j "In point of intelligence, character and credibility, they are as worthy of belief as other witnesses on whose testimo- ny in courts, the property, character, liberty and lives of suit- ors daily depend. "The committee have entire confidence in the belief, that VI PEEFACE. all these witnesses had a clear understanding, and compre- hended, when examined, the obligations of the oath adminis- tered to them ; and in an unusually intelligent manner testi- fied to matters within their recollection, and were prudent and entirely honest, and testified to facts as they believed them to exist. With one or two, unimportant exceptions, neither of them exhibited any appearance of a disordered intellect, moral obliquity, or defective memory ; and, therefore, to re- ject their testimony, appeared to the Committee as calculated to defeat an investigation after the truth, and possibily sub- vert the ends of public justice." Mrs. E. P. "W. Packard. Chicago, May, 1868. i CONTENTS. Introduction.................................... U CHAPTER I. Inspiring Sentiments....................................... 13 CHAPTER H. Result of expressing my Obnoxious views, viz : Free Discussion of Religious Belief—-Rights of Private Judgement—" Total Depravity"—The Unlimited Atonement—God's Immutabil- ity—"What is it to be a Christian—Freedom of Conscience —Spiritual Gifts—Questions for the Class.................. 14 CHAPTER III. My Abduction.................................................. 34 CHAPTER IV. My Abduction—continued.................................... 44 CHAPTER V. My Journey................................................. 51 CHAPTER VI. My Reception............................................... 59 CHAPTEP VII. My First Day of Prison Life................................... 61 CHAPTER VIII. The Parting Scene........................................... 69 CHAPTER IX. Disappointed Hopes.......................................... 13 CHAPTER X. The Sunny Side of my Prison Life ......................... ... Tl CHAPTER XL My Transition............................................... 85 CHAPTER XII. Removal from the Best Ward to the Worst...................... 88 CHAPTER XIII. My Occupation.............................................. 93 CHAPTER XIV. How I Obtained my Papers................................. 99 CHAPTER XV. Evidences of My Insanity..................................... 102 CHAPTER XVI. The Attendant who Abused mc................................ 101 CHAPTER XVII. " Let Dr. McFarland Bear his own Sins"........................ 110 CHAPTER XVIII." Attempted Reconciliation with Mr. Packard.................... Ill (?) Mil CONTEXTS. CHAPTER XTX. Letter to My Children sent to the Wash tub.................... I16 CHAPTER XX. How I Obtained my first Writing Paper........................ I19 CHAPTER XXI. An Honorable Act in Dr. McFarland........................... I21 CHAPTER XXII. Married Women Unprotected.................................. 124 CHAPTER XXIII. My Life Imperiled............................................ 127 CHAPTER XXIV. Hope of Dr. McFarland's Repentance.......................... 132 CHAPTER XXV. " You should Return to your Husband"......................... 133 CHAPTER XXVI. Uncared for................................................ 136 CHAPTER XXVII. Self-defense—Clandestine Letters.............................. 139 CHAPTER XXVIII. Miss Mary Tomlin—A Model Attendant........................ 141 CHAPTER XXIX. Mrs. McFarland—The Matron................................. 150 CHAPTER XXX. Guilty Husbands............................................. 154 CHAPTER XXXI. The Sane kept for the Doctor's Benefit......................... 151 CHAPTER XXXII. An Unpleasant Response...................................... 162 CHAPTER XXXIII. Is Man the Lord of Creation.................................. 163 CHAPTER XXXIV. Petition to the Trustees Presented September 1861.............. 165 CHAPTER XXXV. The Rights of the Tax Payers................................. 169 CHAPTER XXXVI. The Imputation of Insanity a Barrier to Human Progress......... 170 CHAPTER XXXVII. Mr. James Lyon's Advice.................................... ^4 CHAPTER XXXVIII. Record of a Day...................................... jijg CHAPTER XXXIX. How I Bought and Retained some Paper........................ 179 CHAPTER XL. The Aristocracy of Jacksonville Rebuked—Another Honorable Act. 183 CHAPTER XLI. " Love Tour Enemies"....................................... lgH CHAPTER XLII. How Mr. Packard gave me Paper and how I lost it.............. 189 CONTENTS. IX CHAPTER XLTII. Dialogues with Dr. McFarland on the Woman Question........... 191 CHAPTER XLIV. My Family Relatives......................................... 194 CHAPTER XLV. Old Mrs. Timmons Deserted by her Children.................... 199 CHAPTER XLVI. Mrs. Cheneworth's Suicide—Medical Abuse..................... 202 CHAPTER XLVII. Changes and how Brought About.............................. 211 CHAPTER XLVIII. My Battle with Despotism—No Surrender...................... 215 CHAPTER XLIX. Good comes of Seeming Evil.................................. 219 CHAPTER L. Reading Books and Papers................--.................... 221 CHAPTER LI. Abusing Mrs. Stanley........................................ 225 CHAPTER LII. Subduing a New Prisoner..................................... 228 CHAPTER LHI. Treatment of the Sick........................................ 232 CHAPTER LIV. Mrs. Leonard's Visit to her Mother............................ 234 CHAPTER LV. Mrs. Emeline Bridgman—or Nature's Laws Broken.............. 238 CHAPTER LVI. The Guilt of Folly.......................................... 245 CHAPTER LVII. Mrs. Watts Driven from off" her Sick Bed....................... 249 CHAPTER LVIII. Dangerous to be a Married Woman in Illinois................... 250 CHAPTER LIX. Interview with Mr. Wells of Chicago—A Victim of homesickness. 253 CHAPTER LX. An Asylnm Sabbath.......................................... 257 CHAPTER LXI. Letters to Dr. McFarland..................................... 258 CHAPTER LXII. My Attempt to get an Attendant Discharged.................... 261 CHAPTER LXIII. A New Attendant Installed—Something New................... 265 CHAPEER LXIV. My Protest Deprives me of no Privileges.......................267 CHAPTER LXV. Dr. McFarland a Respecter of Persons.................:........ 269 CHAPTER LXVI. Kidnapping the Soul......................................... 271 Al X CONTENTS. CHAPTER LXVII. Orthodox Heaven and Hell................................... 274 CHAPTER LXVIII. A Scene in the Fifth Ward—A Good Omen..................... 276 CHAPTER LXIX. Every Moral Act Influences the Moral Universe................. 280 CHAPTER LXX. The Death Penalty to be Annihilated.......................... 281 CHAPTER LXXI. I was Punished for Telling the Truth........................... 284 CHAPTER LXXII. Wrong Actions are Suicidal:.................................. 289 CHAPTER LXXIII. Mrs Sybil Dole—A Fallen Woman............................. 289 CHATER LXXIV. Can a Blind Person See...................................... 292 CHAPTER LXXV. Human Instincts above Hnman Enactments..................... 294 CHAPTER LXXVI. The Prisoner who called Himself " Jesus Christ"................ 296 CHAPTER LXXVII. Letter to Judge Whitlock of Jacksonville...................... 300 CHAPTER LXXVIII. Difference between Contentment and Patience.................. 303 CAAPTER LXXIX. My Successful attempt to obtain my Freedom...................305 CHAPTER LXXX. The Dawning of a New Dispensation........................... 312 CHAPTER LXXXI. The Moral Barometer Indicates a Storm—A Hurricane........... 316 CHAPTER LXXXII. The Clouds Disperse......................................... 323 CHAPTER LXXXIII. My Oldest Son Obtains my Discharge.......................... 327 CHAPTER LXXXIV. The Trustees Force me into the Hands of Mr. Packard........... 329 CHAPTER LXXXV. Jacksonville Insane Asylum a Type of other Insane Asylums.....338 CHAPTER LXXXVI. A Note of Thanks to the Railroad Companies and the Press of 111.. 339 CHAPTER LXXXVII. An Appeal to the People of Illinois for a Redress of my Wrongs.. 340 PART I. INTRODUCTION. "A wounded spirit who can bear." Spirit wrongs are the keenest wounds that can be inflicted upon woman. Her na- tnre is so sensitively organized, that an injury to her feelings is felt more keenly than an injury to her person. The fortitude of her nature enables her to endure physical suffering heroically ; but the wound which her spirit feels under a wanton physical abuse, is far more deeply felt, and is harder to be borne than the physical abuse itself. Her very benevolent, confiding, forgiving nature, renders it a greater crime to abuse her spirit, than to abuse her person. To most men, and some women, this position may appear ab- surd, yet it is true; neither do we feel disposed to blame this class for not appreciating it, for their coarser organization incapacitates them to understand us. When woman is brought before our man courts, and our man juries, and has no bruises, or wounds, or marks of violence upon her person to show as a ground of her complaint, it is hard for them to realize that she has any cause for appeal to them for protection ; while at the same time her whole phys- ical system may be writhing in agony from spirit wrongs, such as can only be understood by her peers. Spiritual, sensitive woman, knowing this fact, suffers on in silent anguish without appeal, until death kindly liberates her from her prison-house of unappreciated suffering. Ml INTRODUCTION. It is to delineate these spiritual wrongs of woman, that I have given my narrative to the public, hoping that my more tangible experiences may draw the attention of the philan- thropic public to a more just consideration of married woman's legal disabilities; for since the emancipation of the negro, there is no class of American citizens^ who so much need legal protection, and who receive so little, as this class. As their representative, I do not make complaint of phys- ical abuses, but it is the usurpation of our natural rights of which we complain; and it is our legal position of nonentity, which renders us so liable and exposed to suffering and perse- cution from this source. In the following narrative of my experiences, the reader will therefore find the interior of woman's life delineated through the exterior surroundings of her bitter experiences. I state facts through which, the reader may look into woman's soul, as through a mirror, that her realm of suffering may be th,us portrayed. I therefore commence my narrative where my persecution commenced, with the marital usurpation of my rights of opin- ion and conscience, and as I progress, will note such incidents as I can best employ to portray my feelings, rather than the recital of the physical abuses I witnessed; since my Coadjutors and the Committee have so graphically described the exterior life of the prisoner, it is unnecessary for me to enlarge on this feature of prison life in Insane Asylums. My Asylum journal, delineating my inner life more particu- larly, is .given, of course, in the language in which it was written at the time, and will doubtless, to many appear, for this reason, to be strong language. Allow me to suggest to such critics, that before you harshly, and rashly censure the writer, just place yourselves in her exact position, and then judge whether your real emotions could be clothed in milder language. And let us remember too, that if we speak at all it is the truth alone we are bound to utter, regardless of the censure or applause of mortals. I. Inspiring Sentiments. Providence hinges mighty events on pivots exceedingly small. What men call accidents, are God's appointed inci- dents. We are traitors to any truth when we suppress the utterance of it, and allow the opposite error to go unrebuked. High principles must be advanced as real laws. A desire to elevate all mankind to the nobleness for which they are de- signed, should manifest the depth and purity of our moral convictions. We should meet evil with mildness, yet, with unfaltering firmness. We should aim to bring out a noble spirit into daily intercourse, believing that a holy life is a more precious offering to truth, than retired speculations and writing ; for, he who leaves a holy life behind him, bequeaths to the world a richer legacy than any book. The want of moral courage to carry out great principles, and to act upon them at all risks, is fatal to originality, because the faculties slumber within, being weighed down by the chains of custom. This habit of reliance on principle, should give us a buoyant consciousness of superiority to every outward influence. A far higher anticipation of great results from worthy deeds, should make us strenuous in action, and fill us with a cheer- ful trust. We must be palsied by no fear to offend, no desire to please, no dependence upon the judgment of others. The consciousness of self subsistence, of disinterested conformity to high principles, will command an open freedom to our utterances, and will summon into our service a spiritual force that will resist and overcome all obstacles. (13) 14 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Under the inspiration of such sentiments have I penned the following narrative of my experiences, beneath a dark cloud of adverse events, whose silver lining is yet to be discovered to my physical vision. As the dyer uses mordants to set his colors, so my Heavenly Father has employed the mordant of adversity to individualize my sentiments of morality and virtuous action. And, by my experiences, it would seem, that my Father intended to so capacitate me, that I should be daunted and discouraged by nothing, that true loyalty might be burned into my heart. This loyality demands that individual reason and conscience be the guide of human actions. It allows no oligarchy of creeds, sects, or customs to be a standard, which ignores the individual as the sove- reign over himself. The God within, is the monarch of this realm of human freedom. II. Result of expressing my Obnoxious views. I have been Illinois State's Prisoner three years in Jack- sonville Insane Asylum, for simply expressing religious opin- ions in a community who were unprepared to appreciate and understand them. I was incarcerated June 18, 1860, and liberated June 18, 1863. Fortunately for me, all these ob- noxious views were presented in writing, and are now in my own possession, although they were, secretly taken from me, at the time of my abduction, and retained for years in the hands of my persecutor, Rev. Theophilus Packard, who was at that time the pastor of the Old School Presbyterian Church at Manteno, Kankakee County, Illinois. He had been my husband for twenty-one years, and was the father of my six children, five of whom are boys, and one girl. At the time he forced me from my dear little ones, my daughter was ten years old and my babe eighteen months. I was in perfect health and of sound mind, and cheerfully and faith- OBNOXIOUS VIEWS. 15 fully performing the duties of wife and mother to the entire satisfaction of my family and society, so far as I know. And, since the only plea Mr. Packard makes in defence of this course is, that my religious views were dangerous to the spiritual interests of his children and the community, I feel called upon to present these views, frankly and candidly, that my readers may judge for themselves whether my imprison- ment can be justified on this basis. As an Introduction therefore to my "Hidden Life" in my prison, I shall present these views just as I presented them to the bible class in Manteno, a few weeks before my incar- ceration. I became connected with this class at the special re- quest of Deacon Abijah Dole, the teacher of the class, and with the full and free consent of my husband. Mr. Dole gave as his reason for wishing me to join his class, that he found it impossible to awaken any interest, and he fondly hoped that I might bring forward some views which might elicit the attention he desired. I seated myself among his pupils, who then numbered only six men in all, as a sincere seeker after the truth. Mr. Dole allowed his pupils to be regarded as mutual teachers, so that all were allowed to ask questions and offer suggestions. Availing myself of this license, others were encouraged to follow my example, so that our class soon became the place of animating discussions, and as our tolerant teacher allowed both sides of a question to be discussed I found it became to me a great source of pleasure and profit. Indeed, I never can recollect a time when my mind grew into a knowledge of religious truths faster, than under the influence of these free and animated discussions. The effect of these de- bates was felt throughout the whole community, so that our class of seven soon increased to forty-six, including the most influential members of the community. About this time a latent suspicion seemed to be aroused, lest the church creed be endangered by this license of free inquiry and fair discussion; and a meeting of some of the leading church-members was called, wherein this bible-class Itf THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIKE. was represented as being a dangerous influence, involving the exposure of the creed to the charge of fallibility. To prevent this, it was agreed that the tolerant Deacon Dole must be exchanged for the intolerant Deacon Smith, in order that free discussion might be effectually put down. And this Deacon Smith suggested, that the way to put down free-dis- cussion was, to put down Mrs. Packard. This he engaged to do, in case they would install him as teacher. This being done, the battle commenced, and I found our license had ex- piredrwith our kind teacher's resignation. Ignorant as I was of this conspiracy against the right of private opinions,I continued to use this God given right, as my judgment and conscience dic- tated, until I found, by open opposition, that it was the ex- press objeet of the change, to abolish all expression of any views which did not harmonize with the Presbyterian Church creed. I knew and felt that it was their determination to fetter me, and bring me into unquestioning acknowledgment of their doctrines, as the sum total of all important truths. Of course I could not do this, and be honest to myself; but from this point, I had the precaution to put into a written form, every idea I uttered in conflict with what Deacon Smith thought orthodox views, so as to avoid being misrep- resented, and I almost uniformly read these papers to Mr. Packard, before presenting them to the class, and secured from him his consent to my reading them. This digested form of presenting my ideas, tended to in- crease rather than diminish the interest in favor of my new views, so that finally after Mr. Packard had given his con- sent for my reading my articles, Mr. Smith would refuse to have them read. Up to this point, Mr. Packard acted the man, and the Christian, in his treatment of me. But now came the fatal crisis when evil influences overcame him! One afternoon Deacon Smith visited him in his study, and held a secret interview w*,h him of two hours length, when he left him a different man. That evening just before retir- ing to rest, he remarked in a very pleasant tone "Wife, I want to talk with you a little while, come here!" OBNOXIOUS VIEWS. 17 I went into his extended arms, and sat upon his lap, and encircled his neck with my arm, when he remarked in a very mild tone of voice. "Now wife, hadn't you better give up these bible class discussions? Deacon Smith thinks you had better, and so do some others, and I think you had better too." " Husband, I should be very glad to get rid of the responsi- bility if I can do so honorably, but I do not like to yield a natural right to the dictation of bigotry and intolerance, as Deacon Smith demands, but I am willing to say to the class that as Deacon Smith, and Mr. Packard, and others, have ex- pressed a wish that I withdraw my discussions from the class, I do so, at their request, not from any desire to shrink from investigation on my part, but for the sake of peace, as they view it." " No, wife, that won't do; you must resign yourself." "Won't that be resigning, and that too on a truthful basis?" "No, you must tell them it is your choice to give them up." " But, dear, it is not my choice 1" "But you can make it so, under the circumstances." "Yes, lean make it so, by stating the truth; but I can't by telling a lie." "Well, you must do it!" "0 husband ! how can you yield to such an evil influence ? Only think ! Here you have pledged before God and man that you will be my protector, until death part us, and now you are tempted to become my persecutor I Do be a man, and go to the class, in defiance of Deacon Smith, and say to the class, ' my wife has just as good a right to her opinions as you have to yours, and I shall protect her in that right. You need not believe her opinions unless you choose; but she has a right to defend her honest opinions as well as your- selves. I shall not suffer her to be molested in this right.' Then you will be a man—a protector of your wife—and you will deserve honor, and you will have it. But if you become 18 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. my persecutor and go against me, asDeacon Smith desires, you will deserve dishonor, and you will surely get it. Don't fall into this fatal snare, which the evil one has surely "laid for you." He construed my earnestness into anger, and thrust me from him, determining to risk this result at all hazards. From that fatal time, all good influences seemed to have for- saken him, and he left to pursue his downward way, with no power to resist evil or flee from the tempter. Reason, conscience, judgment, prudence, consistency and affection, all, all directly sunk into the fatal sleep of stupidity or death. From that point, I have never had a protector in my hus- band. He has only been my persecutor! In a few weeks from that time, he forcibly entombed me within the massive walls of Jacksonville Asylum prison, to rise no more, if he could prevent it. He told me he did this, to give the impression that I was insane, so that my opinions need not be believed, for, said he, "I must protect the cause of Christ!" The following is a copy of some of the articles I prepared for the class, wherein my most radical opinions are delineated, which led to this unnatural imprisonment. Free discussion of religious belief. Free discussion implies that both sides of a subject can be investigated, and allows full liberty to each individual to ex- press his honestly cherished opinions, and also give his rea- sons in support of them. My classmates, we have nothing to fear in applying the scales of free discussion to our reli- gious belief, for truth will sustain itself; the scales of free- discussion, intelligently used, always preponderate on the side of the truth, that is, the weightiest reasons always bear upon that side, and indicate a balance in its favor. For instance, should we wish to test the existence of a God in the scales of free discussion, what have we to fear in the use of the scales on this point? If we are not prepared to sup- FREE DISCUSSION. 19 port his existence by such arguments as will make the scales preponderate right, is it not best for us to bestow study upon that point sufficient to defend it with intelligent reason, since this is confidently assumed to be a truth in our creed? Then we shall be prepared to defend, as well as assert our belief. It is not respectful for us to say to our opponents on this or any other point, " I know your side is the wrong one, and you ought to take our positive assertion as authority jsufficient to condemn you as a heretic, simply because you believe contrary to my honestly cherished opinions." No, my classmates, the religion of authority has had its day—a reasonable religion, such as will bear the infallible tests of truth, based on arguments drawn from God's word and works is the religion for us. Truth should be endorsed by us through our reasoning faculties alone, and therefore should not conflict with our common sense and enlightened reason. And it is my opinion- that the religion God sent to man, is so peculiarly adapted to man's nature, as not to conflict with the common sense views of the common mass of minds. And ere the bright millennial day dawns upon us, I believe that theologically sectarian views, will give place to the common sense views of mankind, and that this is to be the way there is to be " but one God, one faith, one baptism." Now, what can be the harm, dear classmates, in our trying to hasten this day, by bringing our educated belief to this test, by kiudly using the scales of free discussion. For my- self, I feel willing to have all my opinions tested by these scales, and I am willing to yield any point of belief to a weightier invincible argument in the opposite scale—that is, those views which seem best supported by sound argument and candid reasoning I willingly endorse, although they may conflict with some of my preconceived ideas, or my educated belief, or even with our sectarian creeds. For it is not im- possible but that some simple moral truth may have become perverted by educational influences. And.candor and hon- esty, it seems to me, compel us to admit, "that there is a mixture of truth and error in the creeds of all denominations 2() THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. of christians, not even excepting the creed of the Presby- terian church; and what can be the harm in thus testing these views, and thereby separating the precious from the vile, rather than by trying to defend our sectarian creeds, by arguments and reasons which are not based in truth for their support, thus perpetuating falsehood or errors. It is my desire, dear classmates, that this social bible class be employed as a means to fit us to become valiant defenders of our faith—that we here capacitate ourselves to defend all points of our belief by rational and intelligent reasons, that we may be able to meet the common enemy of our holy religion with arguments "such as he can not gainsay or resist." The truth never suffers by agitation and free dis- cussion. It is error alone that fears the light and shrinks before the scales. Let us dare to judge for ourselves what is right, and let us know what right and truth are, by bring- ing our religious belief to this test of reason and common sense. Let us throw off the blinding influence of prejudice and sectarian zeal, and come up upon the nobler, higher plat- form of being simple, sincere, charitable, honest seekers after the real, simple, naked truth. Having obtained permission from our teacher, Deacon Smith, to read the above article before the class, I com- menced reading; but finding it to be a defence of what he had determined to stop—free discussion—he interrupted me, by forbidding my reading any farther. Of course I quietly submitted to this mandate with unanswering obedience. Rights of Private Judgment. I profess to be no theologian, or to have adopted the creed of any sect or denomination of christians as infallible. But I do profess to take the works and word of God, or facts and revelation as our only infallible guide in our search for truth and a "thus saith the Lord," as a settling of all controversy. But since I know it to be a fact that equally sincere and honest christians put a very different construction upon the same event of Providence, and the same text of scripture PRIVATE JUDGMENT. 21 I feel that we are compelled to assume the responsibility of private judgment. And in so doing, I believe we are obey- ing Christ's directions in the 57th verse of the 12th chapter of Luke, viz : " And why, even of yourselves, judge ye not what is right?" I regard this bible class as having reached that stage of development where God holds us individually responsible for our belief. I therefore esteem it a great privilege to be in a bible class where our opinions are called for, rather than the opinions of commentators. Not that I wish to disregard the opinions of commentators, or learned theologians in my search for Bible truth; for I do think that their opinions are entitled to great deference and respect. While I at the same time believe that the Bible is a book so peculiar in its nature, that learning and tatent are not indispensable to a correct interpretation of it, any more than experience and education are indispensably necessary to our judging correct- ly of the wants of nature. For instance, because an adult may choose strong drink to allay his thirst, and the child prefer cold water, I do not think we are justified in conclud- ing that strong drink is the best adapted to meet the wants of nature, simply because a mature man chooses it; for this adult may have perverted his natural appetite, so that his choice may no't be so much in accordance with nature as the instincts of the child. As in our physical, so in our moral nature, there may be a liability tnat a simple moral truth may have been perverted by educational influences. There- fore, I do not think that because a talented and learned theologian advances an opinion, that he is certainly correct; neither because an illiterate layman holds a different opinion, do I think he is certainly wrong. But in both cases we should judge of the opinion upon its own intrinsic merits, independent of the source or medium through which it comes to us. Now, dear classmates, conscious that I am alone and per- sonally responsible to God for my religious belief, I do not want to embrace an error. Therefore I will be very thank- 22 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. ful to be shown wherein my opinions are unsound, or my reasoning inconclusive. Just consider my views, not as those of a theologian, but as one who is searching for truth on the same common plane with yourselves ; and I ask you to give my opinions no more credence, than you think truth entitles them to as you view it. For it is the common sense of common men and common women that I so much covet as my tribunal of judgment, rather than learned commentators, or popular theologians, or venerable doctors of divinity. "Total Depravity." It is the authority of creeds, echoed by the theologians and ministers of the Presbyterian pulpit, not excepting our own pastor, that human nature is necessarily a sinful nature. Now I ask the privilege of presenting to our class this question: "If human nature is necessarily a sinful nature, how could Christ take upon himself human nature and know no sin?" This question was referred to their pastor for an answer. Mr. Packard gave it as his opinion that a "Holy God might make a holy human nature for Christ, and a sinful nature for the rest of the human family." Upon this, one of the class inquired, " Can a holy God make sin? " These questions troubled both our teacher, Deacon Smith, and their pastor. They could not answer them satisfactorily to themselves or the class ; and it was to extricate them- selves from this unpleasant dilemma, that they at once agreed that this question was the result of a diseased brain, from whence it had emanated, and therefore it was unworthy of their consideration! Thus their reputation for intelli- gence and ability was placed beyond question, and the infal- libility of their creed remained inviolate ! And their poor afflicted christian sister must be kindly cared for within the massive walls of a prison, lest her diseased brain communicate its contagion to other brains, and then what will become of our creed ! for we cannot afford to follow the example of this "Man of God," and sacrifice our wives and mothers to save our creed! TOTAL DEPRAVITY. 23 SPARE THE CREED I Though the mother's heart do bleed, Spare, 0, spare our trembling creed I Though her tender infants cry, Though they pine, and droop, and die, Though her daily care they need, Spare, 0, spare our trembling creed ! Force the mother from her home I That once pure and peaceful dome ; Bind her fast with maniacs, where None will heed her yearning prayer ; Let cold bars and bolts and keys Fetter mothers such as these 1 Iron manacles we need To protect our darling creed. What are homes or children's claims ? What a doting mother's aims ? What were life, love, liberty, If our creed imperilled be ! Nothing in this world we heed, Like our dear endangered creed. Thus State power august hath wrought Fetters for too daring thought 1 Souls thus bold, Asylums need, To protect our precious creed.—Mrs. S. N. B. 0. This was the pivot on which my reputation for sanity was suspended ; for I could not be made to confess that God made a bad or sinful article when he made human nature; but on the contrary, I claimed that all which God made was "good"—that is, was just as he intended it to be; and I furthermore argued, that to be natural, was to be just as God had made me to be—that to be unnatural, was to be wrong or sinful. I claimed that God's work, as he made it, was perfect—it needed no regeneration to make it right—that regeneration was necessary only when we had become unnat- ural or different from what God had made us. I willingly acknowledged that our natures in their present state, were perverted or depraved, in many instances to a painful degree; but that none are entirely lost to all traces of the divine image. For example, the drunkard is depraved in his appe- 24 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. tite for drink, and the regeneration he needs, is not a new appetite but a restoration of it to its natural, original, unper- verted state. Then he would have only a natural appetite for food and drink, which is in itself no sin ; but the sin con- sists in his abuse of a natural instinct, not in the natural use of it. So that the natural exercise of our faculties, as God has made them, is not wrong, but only the unnatural or abusive use of them is wrong or sinful. The Unlimited Atonement. The professedly orthodox pulpit says, that "God intended all mankind for a life of purity, virtue and happiness." Now I wish to ask, if God's intentions can be thwarted? If they can not be thwarted, and God intended all mankind for hap- piness, will not all men be saved? If God intended it, and does not accomplish it, is he omnipotent? I believe God is omnipotent—that he intends nothing but good—and he will carry out all his intentions. I believe the devil is not om- nipotent—that he intends nothing but evil—and he will ultimately fail in all his intentions. Therefore, God's intention in sending his Son into the world to redeem and save it, can not be defeated; and when he assures us in his word that he "would that all men be saved," I believe that he is sincere, and thereby intends to bring all men ultimately to repentance and faith in Christ. And when he assures us that " death and hell shall be de- stroyed," I believe it. And therefore there must ultimately be a time when sin and punishment shall cease to be; and as sin and punishment had a beginning, they must have an end. But as God never had a beginning, so will he never have an end, but is destined ultimately, to be the mighty conqueror and head over all. God's Immutability. While Deacon Smith was our teacher, I once asked him this question, viz : "Did God change his purpose towards Nineveh, when he said he would destroy Nineveh and after- BIBLE CLASS DISCUSSIONS. 25 wards saved it, as Jonah seemed to think he did, and expos- tulated with him to this effect ? " Deacon Smith replied, "He did not. God never changes his purposes." This I considered as a correct answer; but his attempt to reconcile the two facts, viz : his attribute of unchangeableness, and his change towards Nineveh, was not satisfactory. He simply remarked, "God was not obliged to explain his plans and operations of government.to Jonah's satisfaction." This reason seemed to my mind to reflect a degree of dishonor upon the perfect character of our God. I believe we have a right to inquire, like Jonah, into a knowledge of his ways concerning us, and that we can, and ought, so to interpret his providences as not to reflect dis- honor upon his character for justice and veracity, either in word or action; and I believe he is willing thus to manifest himself to us," and thereby convict us of our unreasonable complaints against his providences towards us. I say this suggestion from Deacon Smith did not satisfy me, but the suggestion of Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Dixon did fully satisfy me. They said. " the Ninevites repented, as a reason why God's actions towards them changed." Here was the key which unlocked all the mystery. It is we that change, not God. He has unchangeably decreed that sin and sinners shall be punished. And he has unchangeably decreed to extend par- don and forgiveness to the repentant sinner. These two eternal purposes are his unchangeable decrees thus to act in all future time. The Ninevites knew it was so, and there- fore they resorted to the only possible way they could resort to and be saved. They repented—God's immutable purpose stood unchanged. They were forgiven, and thus saved. What is it to be a Christian ? It is not to cease to be a sinner. "No man liveth and sinnethnot." All come short of perfect obedience to God's laws. To be a christian is to be like Christ—that is, to live in accordance with the laws of our being, both physical B 26 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. and moral and spiritual; but as our knowledge of these laws is limited, we are liable to transgress ignorantly ; but the christian is willing to put on Christ's righteousness, by repenting of his wrong doing, and thus living like him. By obeying God's laws, he becomes like Christ, and thus puts on his righteousness. It is one part of my Christianity, as I view it, to obey the laws of health, and thus live a healthy, natural life, believing that is the best foundation on which to build up my spiritual nature. I can not conceive of a symmetrical spiritual body without a healthy natural body to sustain it, anymore than I can expect to build a cupola without a house to rest it upon. "First the natural, then the spiritual," seems to be the order God has established to develop human beings and make them like Christ. The human nature must be sublimated into the divine nature; or in other words, the lower, animal propen- sities must become only the servants of the higher, spiritual faculties, instead of being their masters as they now are, in their present depraved or unnatural condition. Freedom of Conscience. Conscience is God's vicegerent in the soul. To heed the voice of conscience is to heed the voice of God. I never dare to do what I conscientiously believe to be wrong; neither will I be deterred from doing what I conscientiously believe to be right, impossibilities of course excepted, for God never requires of us impossibilities. I regard my conscience as a safe guide for myself, there- fore I allow it so to others; while at the same time I believe it is only safe when it is based upon truth; and to me, the truth must be based upon God's revealed will, as I view it in God^s word and works, and is thereby identified with the Bible. But I do not regard my views of truth as a standard for any other human being but myself; therefore I do not feel at liberty to judge any other's conscience than my own. I cheerfully assume the entire responsibility of my own ac- tions, viewed from my own standpoint; but I am not willing SPIRITUAL GIFTS. 27 to take the responsibility of any other's actions, viewed from their standpoint. We must all stand or fall for ourselves in judgment. Therefore, I claim Freedom of Conscience for all the human family equally with myself. Spiritual Gifts. The following article was prepared for the class, but was refused a hearing lest it be found to favor Spiritualism. I differ from Deacon Merrick in the opinion that those spiritual gifts mentioned in the 12th chapter of 1st Corin- thians—viz : the gifts of healing, working of miracles, proph- ecy, discerning of spirits, interpretation of tongues the word of wisdom, and the word of knowledge, etc., were confined to the apostolic age. But it is my opinion that they are the legitimate fruits of pure Christianity, and attendant upon it to the end of time. Christ says, "these signs shall follow them that believe." Faith is evidently the stock on which these gifts are grafted, and I believe this is a kind of faith which it is our duty to cultivate and exercise to the same degree that the apostles did. And my reasons for this belief are supported by facts and revelation, as I view it. First.—The Bible supports this opinion. Christ instructed us to exercise a kind of faith, which he compares in power to that of "removing mountains," and also, "if ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed ye might say to this sycamore tree, be thou plucked up by the roots, and be thou cast into the sea, and it shall obey you." Now these illustrations evi- dently seem to teach that in the exercise of this faith we may expect effects to be produced beyond what our re'ason alone would justify us in expecting. Again, in James it is said, " the prayer of faith shall save the sick." And again, " all things whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." Now will it be uncharitable in me to suggest that the faith of the orthodox churches of the present day may be like unto the faith of the woman who was told she could have whatever she asked for, believing she should have it. Shortly after she 28 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. wanted something very much, and so prayed for it to get it; but it did not come. " Chagrined at her failure, she remark- ed indignantly, "I knew it would not come when I asked for it!" Now may not christians ask like this woman, disbelieving, instead of believing they shall have them? Secoxd.—The proof of facts that this faith was not con- fined to the apostles—first, the Bible fact. James directs the churches to call for the elders of the church "to come and anoint the sick man with oil, and to pray over him, and the prayer of faith shall save the sick." These elders who had this power were not the apostles. And Joel prophesTes of the last days, "your sons and your daughters shall proph- esy." From this it seems there is to be a time in the future when pure, simple Christianity, like that which the apostles taught, is to prevail again upon the earth, and then these gifts are to follow as the fruit of this simple faith; thus showing that this faith was not to be confined to the apostles,„ but was intended to be the natural heritage of the church whenever she became pure enough to produce this vigorous growth of faith required to ensure these manifestations. This faith was taught by Christ and exemplified by himself and the apostles. Again, all the christian fathers, certainly down to the end of the third century, affirm the continuation of these gifts ; and they maintain their assertion by well authenticated facts in church history. But in succeeding ages, when the mass of christians had become corrupted by worldly materialism and carnal-mindedness, these gifts became more and more rarely manifested, and were mostly confined to the humble few who adhered more tenaciously to the primitive faith and practice. Yet instances have occurred among some dis- tinguished teachers of Christianity. So late as the year 1821 Rev. Prince Hohenlhe, of Worburg, Germany, a distinguish ed divine, after preaching to immense crowds, commenced to perform miracles. To the astonishment of the populace, he made the blind to see, the deaf to hear, the lame to walk, and the paralytics to be cured ; and in a short time, no less SPIRITUAL GIFTS. 29 than thirty-six persons were restored to health, from a state of hopeless infirmity. This he did by his prayers, and a firm confidence in God's power. Another fact nearer home. About twenty years since I heard of a woman in Chesterfield, New Hampshire, who ex- hibited the power of discerning spirits, by telling at first sight the true character of entire strangers, as correctly as if she had always known them. But to come still nearer home. Have we not seen those who could instinctively read persons at first sight? and others who have a kind of prevision of what is about to take place, and they even act upon it with a kind of certainty that it would take place, for -their ex- perience had assured them that it could be relied upon as prophetic. I once heard of a physician who had this foresight to such a degree as enabled him, in many instances, to save life, by acting in accordance with it. For instance, he once, while riding home, felt an impression that he was needed in a cer- tain street; and following the impression, he went directly there, and found a man who had just been thrown from his horse, and in such a situation that unless surgical help were immediately applied, he must have died. And many times had he left his bed at midnight to visit his patients, guided only by these impressions, and thus saved the lives of many of his patients. This kind of discernment is a gift higher than reason; and may it not be possible that they are of the nature of these spiritual gifts, and are but the incipient developments of a law of our spiritual nature as yet undeveloped, on which these gifts are founded, which is to be the fulfillment of Joel's prophecy ? Objection First.—Mrs. Dixon objected that since the pow- er of working miracles is included among these gifts, she concluded they must be confined to the apostolic age, since the day of miracles is past. I reply, if the term miracle must mean only a suspension of a law of nature, or contrary to na- ture, I think with her, that the day is past for such manifes- 30 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. tations. But, if it mnv bear the interpretation which men of talent and ability put upon it-viz: that a miracle signifies, and implies a supernatural power, meaning a power acting in harmony with a higher than natural law, I think they may, and still do continue. The law by which these supernatural events takes place, is unknown to us, and may be beyond our present ability to comprehend. For example, had we never seen or known that a caterpillar could be changed into a butterfly, we should call it a miracle. The facts occurring daily on the telegraphic wires would have been considered miracles to past generations. So of eclipses, which were regarded as miracles, until the law of eclipses was discovered. And I think it will continue to be a fact, that supernatural events will continue to take place, because they are the result of laws on a plane of which we are as yet ignorant. I believe these spiritual gifts are all controlled by established laws of our spiritual existence, of which we are at present compara- tively ignorant. I fully believe God never acts except in harmony with established laws, and is never compelled to break these laws to bring about his purposes. Objection Second.—Deacon Merrick objected, that if this was the true view, all who believe must have this power; and since none do have it as he thought, therefore there can be no true Christianity in the church. I reply, that I do not think this a legitimate conclusion— that because all do not have this power, therefore none do. Would Deacon Merrick say that because all the blossoms of the apple tree do not perfect into perfect, sound, ripe apples, therefore none do ; or that there are no apples at all? Or would he rather say, that each blossom has in it the germ of the mature, sound apple, which will naturally be developed into fruit, unless some accident occurs to prevent it ? So all who have any degree of saving faith, have that in them which will ultimately perfect into this vigorous faith, and bring forth some of these perfected fruits or spiritual gifts. This faith is the natural outgrowth of human nature—that is, it has that universal principle of human nature, viz : trust SPIRITUAL GIFTS. 31 or confidence, for its foundation to rest upon. We can no more get faith without this principle of human nature to build it upon, than we can get apples without soil to support the tree; and no more is the soil a sinful article because it is natural, than is human nature sinful because it is natural. Both the nature, and the precious spiritual fruits germinated upon it, are parts of God's well done work, and therefore are both equally good in their places. But for lack of proper cultivation this kind of fruit is rarely brought to perfection in this life. Another illustration. I once heard the Rev. Mr.^ Cooper, a Presbyterian minister, of Salem, Iowa, relate the following fact, which took place when he served on board a vessel, on the coast of Norway: His captain found himself utterly unable to navigate his ship through a very dangerous chan- nel between an island and the main land. A pilot on board seeing the very dangerous condition they were in, volun- teered his services to the captain, assuring him he could Uke the ship safely through. The captain accepted the offer, although not without some misgivings as to the ability of this stranger pilot. But confident he could not guide it him- self, he felt compelled to accept the offer. Consequently he resigned his ship entirely to this pilot's control, and directed his men to follow all this new pilot's directions. The pilot accepted his charge, and commenced by revers- ing all the captain's orders, and headed the ship towards the breakers on shore. This aroused the captain's fears. Still he could do nothing but submit. But very soon his fears became so much aroused, in view of their approach towards the breakers, that he ventured to tell his pilot that they were going into the breakers. "I know it," was his only reply, and°still approached the breakers. The captain ex- postulated with him three times; and each time received the same answer,." I know it! " For a time the captain paced the deck in agony, wringing his hands, until at length be- coming desperate, he determined to take the ship into his own hands, confident that his professed pilot was unworthy 32 THE PRISONER'S HI 1)DION LIFE. of confidence, and was just in the act of doing so, when, behold i the pilot turned the ship about, and soon brought it out of all danger. He afterwards found that the pilot had turned the ship at just the point, and the only point, where it could be done without being wrecked, for there was a narrow channel of rocks beneath, which the pilot knew how to follow ; but the least deviation from that course would have been destruction to the ship, and an attempt to turn before the right point was reached would have been not only impossible, but certain destruction. 2\ow this captain had only just faith enough in his pilot to save him. He did not have that degree of faith needed to raise him entirely above his fears, in view of dangers so ap- parent to his reason. This degree of faith demanded the exercise of even a higher faculty than his reason, for it appar- ently conflicted with reason. But gospel faith in its highest exercise, never conflicts with reason, although it sometimes transcends reason. But the different gradations of faith, from the mere saving faith to that all conquering faith, which allays all anxiety and solicitude, under the most adverse circumstances, depends upon the different organizations and surroundings which determine its development and growth. And all these manifold variations and gradations are ulti- mately to perfect into that sound and vigorous faith which ( hrist inculcated, and is the stock upon which all these spiritual gifts germinate into natural fruit. Questions for the Class. The following are some of the questions I proposed to the class for discussion, some of which were allowed to be dis- cussed, and many were not: 1. Do true christians ever die with unrepented sins upon them? 2. Does death, which is merely a natural law of the body, affect the spirit; or does the extinction of merely animal life produce any change in our spiritual life ? QUESTIONS FOR THE CLASS. 83 3. Is it not the spirit that repents? 4. Why then cannot the spirit repent when disconnected from the body ? 5. Does truth ever change? 6. Can people have a difference of opinion on the same subject, and yet all be correct? 7. What causes this diversity of belief? 8. Will all equally good people see the truth in just the same light ? 9. How ought we to treat those who we think teach error? 10. Should we accede to the errorist the same right of opinion we do the advocates of truth? 11. Are we to expect new moral truths to be developed at the present day, since the canon of scripture is complete ? 12. Does progress in knowledge necessarily imply a change of views ? 13. Is not the platform of common sense the platform for a common religion to stand upon ? 14. Are bigotry and intolerance confined to any one church, or is this " Great Beast" found in all churches? 15. Can there be "one Lord, one faith, one baptism," without a mutual yielding of sectarian views among all de- nominations of christians ? 16. Have we any reason to expect that a christian farmer, as a christian, will be any more successful in his farming op- erations than an impenitent sinner ? or, in other words, does the motive with which we prosecute our secular business, have anything to do with the pecuniary results ? And if not, how is godliness profitable ? If any of my readers would like to see my answer to the sixteenth question, I could refer them to my " Three Years' Imprisonment for Religious Belief," where they will find it on the thirty-third page. In that book the reader will also find a full account of my jury trial before Judge Starr, of Kankakee City, where my sanity was vindicated ; and my persecution is there demonstrated to be the triumph of big- otry over the republican principles of free religious toleration. 3-1 THE fKISONEIl's HIDDKN LIFE. This trial was not allowed me until after an inprisonment of three years, when, by the decision of the court, it was found that I had not been insane, and thereby had been falsely im- prisoned all this time. The way in which my incarceration was secured will be found in the subsequent chapter. III. My Abduction. Alfout three weeks before my incarceration, Mr. Packard came to my room one day, and made me another proposition for withdrawing from the class. Said he, "Wife, wouldn't you like to visit your brother in Batavia ? " " I should like it very well, if it is not running from my post of duty." " You have not only a perfect right to go, but I think it is your duty to go and get recruited." " Very well, then I will go with the greatest pleasure. But how long do you think I had better make my visit?" " Three months." " Three months ! Can you get along without me three m6nths ? and what will the children do for their summer clothes without me to make them ?" " I will see to that matter ; you must stay three months, or not go at all." "Well, lam sure I can stand it to rest that length of time, if you can stand it without my services. So I will vo. But I must take my baby and daughter with me, as they have not fully recovered from their influenzas, and I should not dare to trust them away from me." "Yes, you may take them." "I will then prepare myself and them to go just as soon as you see fit to send us. Another thing, husband. I shall want ten dollars of my patrimony money to take with me for spending money." MY ABDUCTION. 35 "That you can't have." " Why not? I shall need as much as that, to be absent three months with two sick children. 1 may need to call a doctor to them; and besides, my brother is poor, and I am rich, comparatively, and I might need some extra food, such as a beefsteak, or something of the kind, and I should not like to ask him for it. And besides, I have your written promise that I may have my own money whenever I want it, and I do want ten dollars of it now ; and I thinK it is no unreasonable amount to take with me." "I don't think it is best to let you have any. I shan't trust you with money." " Shan't trust me with money! Why not? Have I ever abused this trust? Do not I always give you an exact account of every cent I spend? And I will this time do so ; and besides, if you cannot trust me, I will put it into broth- er's hands as soon as I get there, and not spend a cent but by his permission." "No, I shall not consent to that." "One thing more I will suggest. You know the Batavia people owe you twelve dollars for preaching one sabbath, and you can't get your pay. Now, supposing brother ' duns' and gets it, may I use this money if I should chance to need it in an emergency? and if I should not need any, I won't use a cent of it? Or, I will write home to you and ask per- mission of you before spending a dollar of it." " No, you shall neither have any money, nor have the con- trol of any, for I can't trust you with any." " Well, husband, if I can't be trusted with ten dollars of my own money under these circumstances, I should not think I was capable of being trusted with two sick children three months away from home, wholly dependent on a poor broth- er's charities. Indeed I had rather stay at home and not go at all, than go under such circumstances." "You shall not go at all," replied he, in a most excited, angry tone of voice. "You shall go into an Asylum I" " Why, husband, I did not suspect such an alternative. I 36 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. had rather go to him penniless and clotheless even, than go into an Asylum !" " You have lost your last chance. You shall go into an Asylum !" Knowing the inflexibility of purpose which characterized my husband, I knew there was no refuge for me in an appeal to his humanity, his reason or his affection, for a commuta- tion of my sentence. I therefore laid my case before our kind neighbor, Mr. Comstock, avIio professed to be a kind of lawyer, and sought his counsel and advice. Said he, "Mrs. Packard, you have nothing to fear. It is impossible for your husband to get you into any insane asylum; for before he can do this, you must have a jury trial; and I can assure you there is no jury in the country who would pronounce you to be an insane person, for you give every evidence of intelligence that any person can give." As this Mr. Comstock had been a constant attendant at our bible class for some time past, and had thereby heard and seen all the evidence which could be brought against me ; and as he professed to understand the law on this point, this unqualified and positive assertion served to quiet my fears and anxious foreboding to a considerable degree. But had Mr. Comstock known the law as it then was, he could not have made this assertion. He probably took it for granted that the common principles of justice characterized the Illinois statue laws, viz : that all its citizens should be allowed a trial before imprisonment; but being mistaken on this point, he blindly led me astray from the truth. Had I known what Mr. Packard knew, of the legal power which the law gave the husband to control the identity of the wife, I should not have been thus deceived. I did not then know what I now do, that married women and infants were excepted in the application of this principle of common justice. This class were not only allowed to be imprisoned by their husbands or guardians without any trial, or without any chance at self-defence whatever, but they were also ex- pressly licensed to imprison them in an insane asylum witJwut MY ABDUCTION. 37 evidence of insanity! This legal license reads thus, as found on the Illinois Statute Book, page 96, Session Laws 15, 1851, Section 10: "Married women and infants who, in the judgment of the medical Superintendent (meaning the Superintendent of the Illinois State Hospital for the Insane,) are evidently insane or distracted, may be entered or detained in the hospital on the request of the husband of the woman, or the guardian of the infant, without the evidence of insanity required in other cases." Not knowing that Illinois had legalized this mode of kid- napping the married women of their State, I had no idea that my personal liberty depended entirely upon the will or wishes of my husband. I thereupon returned to my home with a feeling of comparative security, trusting and suppos- ing that upon the principles of our free government of religious. toleration, my rights of conscience, and rights of opinion were respected and protected by law, in common with other American citizens. Still, believing that a most strenuous effort would be made to fasten the stigma of insanity upon me, by my opponents in religious belief, I now began to con- sider what my plea of self-defence must be when arraigned for trial on insanity, based upon what they regarded as heresy. But while my mind was cogitating my plea, and my hands were busily employed in my domestic duties, I could not help noticing many singular manifestations in Mr. Packard's con- duct towards me. One was, from the time my sentence was pronounced, Mr. Packard left my bed without giving me any reason for this singular ac-t, and he seemed peculiarly deter- mined to evade all, and every inquiry into his reasons for so doing. Still I insisted upon knowing whether it was because of anything I had done, which led him thus to forsake me. He assured me it was not—adding, "you have always been kind, and true and faithful to me." While this truthful acknowledgement, afforded a kind of relief to my feelings, it only served to increase the mystery of the affair still more, and even to this day this mystery has never been solved in 38 the rrasosTiat's hidden like my mind. The only reason he ever gave me was, " I think it is "best!" Another thing, he removed my medicine box, containing our family herbs and cordials, from my nursery into his sleep- ing apartment, and when I found it necessary one night to give my little Georgie some lobelia to relieve him from spas- modic croup, I was obliged to seek for it, and finding it under his bed instead of its accustomed place, I inquired why he had made that arrangement, and received the same mysterious re- ply, "I think it is best!" Another thing, he seemed unaccountably considerate of my health, insisting upon it that I should have a hired girl to help me. This arrangement surprised me, all the more, because I had so often been refused this favor, when I had asked for it at times when I thought I needed it within a few past years. 1 however found it very easy and pleasant to concur with this arrangement, which afforded me more uninterrupted time and thought to devote to my plea. But (here was one thing about it which I did not like, and that was, to dismiss my girl, just when I had got her well learned how to do my work, without giving any reason whatever, either to me or my girl, for this strange conduct. But I afterwards found out the reason for dismissing her was, because she had remarked to a neighbor of ours that, "I can't see what Mr. Packard does mean by calling his wife insane; for she is the kindest and best woman I ever saw—I never worked for so kind a mistress." But his summary manner of disposing of my good, kind, faithful French Catholic girl, and supplying her place with one of his own church members, an opponent to me in argu- ment, and she the eldest daughter of the most aristocratic family in the place, was very peculiar. This aristocratic Miss Sarah Rumsev, was introduced into my family as a dinner guest, on whom I bestowed all the attentions of the hostess until after dinner, when my girl came to the parlor to bid me " good bye," saying with tears, " .Mr. Packard has dismissed me." " Dismissed you ! For what?'' " I dont know—he simply told me to get my things and MY ABDUCTION. 39 leave, that my services were no longer wanted in his family." While I was trying to comfort her under this uncivil dis- charge, Miss Rumsey stepped up and volunteered her services as " my help." " My help ! have you come here to be my hired girl ?" said I, in amazement. "Yes, I am willing to help you." "But I wish to understand you—has Mr. Packard secured your services as my hired servant?" " Yes, Mrs. Packard, I have come for that purpose?" " Very well, then, I will set you to work, and you may look to him for your wages." She then followed me into the kitchen, where I gave her my instructions, and then I retired to my parlor, leaving her to take her first lesson in practical service in her beloved pastor's kitchen. During her term of service, which lasted until I was kid- napped, about one week from this time, I frequently caught Mr. Packard and Miss Rumsey and Mrs. Sybil Dole, his sister, in most earnest conversation, which was always carried on in a whisper whenever I was within hearing distance, and my presence seemed always to evoke manifestations of guilt on their part. I think the theme of conversation at these clan- destine interviews was, my abduction and how it should be secured. My children now became almost my only companions and councillors. The three youngest slept with me, so that I had their company both night as well as day. I expressed to them mv fears that I might yet be forced away from them, always assuring them that no power but force should separate me from them. They always responded, "they"will have to break my arms to get them loose from their grasp upon you, Mother, if thev trv to steal our dear mamma from us!" But the filial in- fluence Mr. Faekard most feared to cope with, was my second son, I. W. Packard, then sixteen years old. My oldest son Theophilus, was then at Mt. Pleasant, Iowa. I. W. commu- nicated to Theophilus the dangers he feared impending over 40 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. his mother. Theophilus responded, pledging himself that should his dear mother ever be put into an Insane Asylum, he should never rest until he had liberated her. 1. W. agreed to this same pledge of untiring devotion to his dear mother's welfare. During; these ominous days of solicitude and painful forebo- dings, this tender hearted and devoted son would never leave for his work in Mr. Conistock's store, without first coming to my room, and as he would imprint a most loving kiss upon my lips, ho would whisper—" dont feel bad, mother I keep up good courage, 1 shall do all I can for you." And he did do all he could to stem the rising current, by rallying influences in my defence. Quite a number of volun- teers gave him their pledge that his mother never should leave that depot for an Insane Asylum ; but unfortunately, his fath- er became acquainted with this fact, and to prevent any co- operation with his mother in the execution of any of his plans for my deliverance, he issued his mandate that I. W. should not speak to his mother for one week. Not knowing that such an injunction had been laid upon him, I accosted him from my window on his return from his store, and, as usual inquired after nis health. He had been my patient for some weeks past, having spit blood several times during this time, and of course I felt a deep solicitude for his health; and now when he answered me only by the pressure of his fore finger upon his closed lips, and a significant shake of his head, I be- came alarmed, and anxiously inquired, "can't you speak?" A shake of the head was his only response. I rushed to the door to meet him, to ascertain what had happened, where we met my only darling.daughter of ten years, whom we all called " Sister," to whom he said, " Sister, I want you should tell mother that father has forbid my speaking to her for one week and that is the reason 1 can't answer her questions." "But how is your breast, my son?" '• Sister, I want you should tell mother it is worse ; I have spit more blood to-day." In this manner, with my daughter for our medium, I ad- MY ABDUCTION. 41 ministered to his physical wants and spiritual comfort for one week, which term expired one day before my abduction. During this tiine he never failed to come to my room or to the window, before leaving, to bestow upon my lips his lov- ing kiss of silent, undying affection. A few days previous to my seizure, Mrs. Dole and Mr. Packard tried to prevail upon me to let her take my darling babe home with her for a few days, to rest me from my night watches with my sick children, to which I foolishly consented, supposing this offer was only dictated by affection and sym- pathy for me. I soon became impatient for my babe, and Mr. Packard allowed me to go to Mr. Dole's with him to see Arthur, but would not allow me to bring him home with me. They must keep him a day or two longer ! I must consent to take a few more nights of good sound sleep before I could embrace my darling babe once more ! Alas! this was the final parting with my precious darling infant, weaned from the breast but three months before. His little arms could hardly be unclasped from my neck, to which he seemed to cling instinctively; with the tenderest affection he would press his soft cheek against mine, and say, "dear mammal dear mamma !" These were the only words he could articu- late. 0! little did I suspect this was a treacherous act of false affection, to steal from me my darling babe. But so it proved to be. This was Saturday. On Sabbath they stole from me my only daughter, by a similar act of hypocrisy. After meet- ing Sabbath evening, the Rumsey carriage called at our door and claimed the privilege of taking my daughter home with them to visit her intimate friend and schoolmate, the young- est Rumsey. They plead that her health needed a change. and she could come home any day I chose ; and in answer to my inquiry, "has this anything to do with my being taken off?" they all with united voices, insisted that it had not, adding, " this is not our most distant thought." I at length reluctantly consented to her going, and we too, parted for the last time before my abduction, little suspecting 42 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. it to be so. But as we were embracing each other for the last time, she whispered in my ear, " Mother, if there are any signs of taking you away, you will let me know, won't you?" " Certainly I will, my daughter, you may rely upon your mother's promise in this thing. So set your heart at rest, and enjoy yourself as best you can." And we parted! That night I had no one to caress but my darling Oeorgie, of seven years, who was now nearly recovered from his lung fever. But from some unknown cause, sleep was not easily courted that night. Usually my sleep was sound, quiet and refreshing. Sleepless, wakeful nights were unknown to me. But now some evil forebodings assured me all was not right. About midnight I arose and silently sought Mr. Packard's room, to see if I could make any discoveries as to the aspect of things. Here instead of being in his bed, I found him noiselessly searching through all my trunks and bandboxes. What could this mean? AVithout his observing me, I went back to my bed, there to consider this question. Before morning my suspicions assumed a tangible form. I summoned I. \V. early to my bedside, to tell him I was sure arrangements were being made to carry me off somewhere, and therefore I wished him without delay to go and get " Sister" home, as I had promised to send for her in case of any appearances of this kind. He replied, " Mother, I will do so; but I must first go of an errand on to the prairie for Mr. Comstock, and then I will return to the house and take you to ride with me to Mr. Rumsey's and get Sister." "Yes, that will do; we will go by brother Dole's too, and get my baby. I will be all ready when you return, to go with you." This was our parting ! Little Georgie, ever ready to serve me, ran out into the dewy grass and picked a saucer of ripe strawberries and brought them to my room, saying as he handed them to me, "I have pick- ed some strawberries for your breakfast, mother;" and he had hardly time to receive his mother's thanks,when his father called him out to the door, and with extended hand said, "Come, MY ABDUCTION. 43 George, won't you go with father to the store and get some sugar-plums ?" Glad as any boy of his age is to get sugar-plums, he of course, readily went with his father to get his plums, and also to get a ride too with his brother off on to the prairie ! This was our parting scene ! Thus had my children been abducted, to prepare the way for the mother's abduction, on the morning of the 18th of June, 1860. And now the fatal hour had come that I must be transported into my living tomb. But the better to shield himself in this nefarious work, Mr. Packard tried to avail himself of the law for commitment in other cases, which is to secure the certificate of two physicians that the candi- date for the Asylum is insane. Therefore at this late hour I passed an examination made by our two doctors, both mem- bers of his church and our bible class, and opponents to me in argument, wherein they decided that I was insane, by simply feeling my pulse ! This scene is so minutely described in the " Introduction to my Three Years Imprisonment," that I shall not detail it here. The doctors were not in my room over three minutes, conducting this examination, and without asking me a single question, both said while feeling my pulse, " she is insane!" My husband then informed me that the " forms of law" were now all complied with, and he now wished me to dress for a ride to Jacksonville Insane Asylum. I complied, but at the same time entered my protest against being imprisoned without a trial, or some chance at self-defence. I made no physical resistance however, when he ordered two of his church-members to take me up in their arms, and carry me to the wagon and thence to the cars, in spite of my lady-like protests, and regardless of all my entreaties for some sort of trial before commitment. My husband replied, " I am doing as the laws of Illinois allow me to do—you have no protector inlaw but myself, and I am protecting you now! it is for your good I am doing this, I want to save your soul—you don't believe in total depravity, and I want to make you right." 44 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. " . • on "Husband, have I not a right to my opinions t " Yes, you have a right to your opinions, if you think right." - P,ut does not the constitution defend the right of religious toleration to all American citizens?" "Yes, to all citizens it does defend this right, but you are not a citizen; while a married woman you are a legal nonen-. tity, without even a soul in law. In short, you are dead as to any legal existence while a married woman, and therefore have no legal protection as a married woman." Thus 1 learn- ed my first lesson in that chapter of common law, which denies to married woman a legal right to her own identity or individuality. T-n- J IV. My Abduction.—Continued. The scenes transpiring at the parsonage, were circulated like wild-fire throughout the village of Manteno, and crowds of men and boys were rapidly congregating at the depot, about one hundred rods distant from our house, not only to witness the scene, but fully determined to stand by their pledge to my son, I. W., that his mother should never leave Manteno depot for an Insane Asylum. The long two horse lumber wagon in which I was conveyed from my house to the depot, was filled with strongmen as my body guard, including Mr. Packard, his deacons, and Sheriff Burgess, of Kankakee city among their number. AVhen our team arrived at the depot, Mr. Packard said to me, " now, wife, you will get out of the wagon yourself, won't you? You won't compel us to lift you out before such a large crowd, will you?" " No, Mr. Packard, I shall not help myself into an Asylum. It is you who are putting me there. I do not go willingly, nor with my own consent—I am being forced into it against my protests to the contrary. Therefore, I shall let you show yourself to thio crowd, just as you are—my persecutor, instead of my protector. I shall make no resistance to your brute force claims upon my personal liberty—I shall simply remain a passive victim, helpless in your power." He then ordered MY ABDUCTION. 45 his men to transport me from the wagon to the depot in their arms. Before this order was executed, I addressed the sheriff in these words, "Mr. Burgess, won't you please have the kind- ness to see that my person is handled gently, for I am easily hurt, and also see that my clothing is so adjusted as not to expose me immodestly, which with my hoops I fear you will find some difficulty in doing." "I will heed your requests, Mrs. Packard," he kindly re- plied. He then ordered two men into the wagon, to lift me from the board seat, which was placed across the top of the wagon, and hand me over the wheel, gently down into the arms of two men, who stood with outstretched arms below to receive me, and transport me into the "Ladies' Room" at the depot. This order was executed in as gentle and gen- tlemanly a manner as it could be done, while the faithful sheriff carefully adjusted my clothing as best he could, and I was landed upon a seat in the "Ladies' Room." I then thanked Mr. Burgess and my carriers for the kind manner in which they had executed my husband's order ; and they left me alone to join the crowd on the platform. I then arose, adjusted my dress and walked to the window, to see who were there assembled. I saw they were my friends and foes both, about equally divided, the countenances of all equally indicating great earnestness and deep emotion. Soon Mr. Packard came alone into the room, and I resumed my seat when he addressed me as follows : Bending over me, he spoke in tones the most bland and gentle, and said, " Now, wife, my dear! you will not make us carry you into the cars, will you? Do please just walk into them when they come, won't you, to please me ! Do now, please me this once ; won't you ?" Looking him full in the face, I said, " Mr. Packard, I shall not. It is your own chosen work you are doing. I shall not help you do it. If I am put into the cars, it will not be my act that puts me there." He then left me, and soon returned with Mr. Comstock at his side, when he said, "Now, wife, 46 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. Mr. Comstock thinks you had better walk into the cars, and you know you think a good deal of him ; you will follow his advice, won't you?" " Mr. Comstock is too much of a man to advise me to leave my dear little children, to go and be locked up in a prison without any trial. I know he would not advise any such thing," said I. Mr. Comstock then, without having spoken one word, left the room. While these scenes in the Ladies' Room were being enacted, Deacon Dole was acting his part on the plat- form outside. Finding the crowd had assembled to defend me, and that they were determined I should never be forced into the cars, his conscience allowed him to be the bearer of a lie from Mr. Packard to the company, on the plea that the interests of his beloved pastor and the cause of the church required it as an act of self-defence. He therefore positively told them that Mr. Packard was pursuing a legal course in putting his wife into an Asylum—that the . Sheriff had legal papers with him to defend the proceeding, and if they resisted the Sheriff, they would be liable to imprisonment themselves. The crowd did not know that Deacon Dole was lying to them, when he said the Sheriff had legal papers; for he had none at all, as the Sheriff afterwards confessed—adding, " I went to the Probate Court to take out my legal papers, and they would not give me any, because, as they said, I could not bring forward any proof of insanity which could satisfy them that Mrs. Packard was insane. Therefore I ventured to carry out Mr. Packard's wishes without any papers !" Thus the "majesty of the law," added to the sacred dig- nity of the pulpit, so overawed this feeling of manliness in these Mantenoites, that they dared not make a single effort in defence of me. Therefore, when the engine whistle was heard, Deacon Dole found no obstacle in the way of taking me up in his arms, with the help of another man, and carry- ing me from the depot to my seat in the cars, except tho difficulty Of knowing how to take hold of me in a modest and gentlemanly manner. I, however, soon solved this difficulty MY ABDUCTION. 47 for him, by suggesting that two men make a "saddle-seat" with their four hands so united, that I could sit erect and easily upon it, between them both. This, with my assistance, they promptly did, and I quietly seated myself, while Mr. Burgess kindly arranged my wardrobe for me. While borne along on this human vehicle, by my manly ( ! ) body guard, my elevated position afforded me a fine view of the sea of heads below me ; and while I imploringly and silently looked towards them for that protection and help they had so con- fidently volunteered should be extended to me if needed, I looked in vain 1 "No man cared for my soul!" although Mrs. Blessing was walking the platform, wringing her hands in agony at the spectacle I presented, and in a loud voice, while the tears were streaming down her- cheeks, she was imploring them to extend to me the help I needed, in these expressive words: "Is there no man in this crowd to pro- tect this woman? Will you let this mother be torn from her children and thrust into a prison in this style, with none to help her? 0 ! is there no man among you? If I were a mao. I would seize hold upon her." MRS. BLESSING'S LAMENT. One, one alone, stood by my side, With pleading hands and voice she cried, li Is there no help ? Can no one here Aid now our suffering sister dear ? Breathes there not here one mother's son Who dares to aid this injured one? Must she from her own sons be torn, Her darling children left to mourn ? Crying in vain for mother dear To wipe away the scalding tear. Are love and honor both, all dead ? Oh neighbors I has your reason fled ? Can you look and see her go To the dark maniac's house of woe? Yet raise no voice, no hand, no eye, To stay that dread calamity ! Throbs here no heart of sympathy ? Can no one say she shall be free? Oh I in the sacred name of love, 48 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. Of liberty, of God above, • By all the tender ties of life, Spare ! spare ! that deeply suffering wife. Recording Angel! cans'tthou soo A blacker shade of cruelty."—Mrs. S. N. B. O. As soon as I was landed in the cars, the car door was quick- ly locked, to guard against any possible reaction of the public, manly pulse, in my defence. Mr. Packard, Deacon Doha and Sheriff Burgess seated themselves near me, and the cars qui- etlv moved on towards my prison tomb, leaving behind me, children, home, liberty and an untarnished reputation. In short, all, all, which had rendered life desirable, or tolerable. Up to this point, I had not shed a tear. All my nervous energy was needed to. enable me to maintain that dignified self-possession, which was indispensably necessary for a sensi- tive womanly nature like my own, to carry me becomingly through scenes, such as I have described. But now that these scenes were past, my hitherto pent up maternal feelings burst their confines, and with a deep gush of emotion, I exclaimed, 5£ O ! what will become of my dear children!" I rested my head upon the back of the seat in front of me, and deliberate- ly yielded myself up to a shower of tears. 0 ! thought I, " what will my dear little ones do, when they return to their desolate home, to find no mother there ! 0 their tender, lov- ing hearts, will die of grief, at the story of their mother's wrongs!" Yes, it did well nigh rend each heart in twain, when the fact was announced to them, that they were motherless! My sons, I. W., and George were just about this time returning from their prairie errand, and this fact was now beino- com- municated to them, by some one returning from the depot, whom they met near the same. When within speakin"- dis tance, the first salutation they heard was, "Well, your mother is gone." ''What?'' said I. W., thinking'he had misunderstood. " Your mother is gone !" Supposing this was only an old rumor revived, he carelessly replied, "No she isn't, she is at home, where I just left her, MY ABDUCTION. 49 and I am now on the way there to take her to ride with me." "But she has gone—I just came from the depot, and saw her start." Now, for the first time, the terrible truth flashed upon his mind, that this is the reason George and I have been sent off on this errand, and this accounts also, for the attentions so lavishly bestowed upon us this.morning by my groom, by my father, and by Mr. Comstock. Yes, this awful fact at last found a lodgment in his sensitive heart, when he, amid his choking and tears could just articulate, "George ! we have no mother." Now George, too, knew why he had been so generously treated to sugar-plums that morning, and he too burst into loud crying, exclaiming, " they shall not carry off my mother." "But they have carried her off! We have no mother!" said I. W. Here they both lifted up their voices and wept aloud, and as the team entered the village, all eyes were upon them, and others wept to see them weep, and to listen to their plaintive exclamations, "We have no mother ! We have no mother!" As they drew near the front of Mr. Conistock's store, seeing the crowd settling there, I. W. felt his indignation welling up within him, as he espied amono- this crowd some of his volunteer soldiers in his mother's de- fence, and having learned from his informant that no one had taken his dear mother's part, he reproachfully exclaimed, as he leaped from his wagon, "And this is the protection you promised my mother! What is your gas worth to me ! " They felt the reproaches of a guilty conscience, and dared not attempt to console them. Mr. Comstock was the only one who ventured a response in words. He said, " You must excuse me, I. W., for I did what I thought would be the best for you. I knew your father was determined, and he would put her in at any rate ; and I knew too, that your opposition would do no good, and would only torment you to witness the scene. So Iliad you go for your good !" " For my good 1" thought he, " I think I should like to be my own C 50 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. judge in that matter !" He spoke not one reproachful word in reply, but quickly sought his mother's room, where he might weep alone. But George, knowing the direction the cars went with his mother, ran on the track after them, determined he never would return until he could return with his mother rescued from prison! He was not missed until he was far out of hearing, and almost out of sight—he only looked like a small speck on the distant track. They followed after him; but he most persistently refused to return, saying, "I will get my dear mamma out of prison 1 My mamma shan't be locked up in a prison! I will not go home without my mother 1" He was of course forced back, but not to stay—only until he could make another escape. They finally had to imprison him—my little manly boy of seven years, to keep him from running two hundred miles on the track to Jacksonville, to liberate his imprisoned mother 1 But 0, my daughter ! no pen can delineate thy sorrow, to find thy mother gone ! perhaps forever gone ! from thy com- panionship, counsel, care and sympathy! She wept both night and day, almost unceasingly; and her plaintive moans could be heard at quite a distance from her home. "01 mother ! mother ! mother!" was her almost constant, un- ceasing call. Her sorrow almost cost her her reason and her life. And so it was with I. W. He grieved himself into a settled fever, which he did but just survive ; and during its height, he moaned incessantly for his mother, not knowing what he said ! His reason for a time was lost in delirium. But my babe, thank God ! was too young to realize his loss. For him, I suffered enough for two human beings. Here we leave these scenes of human anguish, to speak one word of comfort for the wives and mothers of Illinois. Conscious that there had already been innocent victims enough offered in sacrifice on the altar of injustice, in conse- quence of these cruel laws of Illinois against my own sex. I determined to appeal, single handed and alone, if neces MY JOURNEY. 51 sary, to their Legislature, to have them repealed, and there- by have the personal liberty of married women protected by law, as well as by the marital power. Consequently, in the winter of 1867, I came alone, and at my own expense, from Massachusetts to Illinois, and paid my board all winter in Springfield, Illinois, trying to induce the Legislature to re- peal the barbarous law under which I was imprisoned, and pass in its stead a "Bill for the Protection of Personal'Lib- erty," which demands a fair jury trial of every citizen of the State, before imprisonment in any Insane Asylum in the State. The Legislature granted my request. They repealed the barbarous law, and passed the Personal Liberty Bill, by an unanimous vote of both houses. So that now, no wife or mother in Illinois need fear the re-enacting of my sad drama in her own case ; for, thank God ! your personal liberty is now protected by just laws. V. My Journey. Sheriff Burgess left our company at Kankakee City, twelve miles distant from Manteno, where he then resided. Not knowing at that time, but that he had the legal papers Dea- con Dole claimed for him, in taking leave of him I thanked him for the kind and gentlemanly manner he had discharged his duties, as a Sheriff, in this transaction, adding, "you have only discharged your duty, as a Sheriff; therefore, as a man, I shall claim you as my friend." And, six months from this date, when he called upon me in my Asylum prison, and inquired so kindly and tenderly after my comfort and sur- roundings, I felt confirmed in my opinion that I had not mis- judged him. Not long after he died, but not until after he had frankly confessed his breach of trust, as a public officer, in this transaction. As my wounded heart still sought the relief of tears, I con- tinued to weep on, and at length I ventured to express my sincere, deep anxiety, lest my children would not be able to •i 52 THE PRISONER* HIDDEN LIFE. survive their bereavement. Mr. Packard and Mr. Dole then both tried to console me, by assuring me they were left with kind friends who would take good care of them, and Mr. Packard said he had left a written document for each of them, which he thought would satisfy them, so that they would "soon get over it!" 0 thought I " soon get over it!" what consolation ! to be told that your children would soon forget you! Nay, verily, I am too indelibly united to their heart's temlercst," deepest affections, to suffer an easy or rapid alien- ation. And so it proved—for three years this cruel wound in their sensitive hearts remained unhealed—they instinctive- ly and persistently spurned the mollient he offered to heal it, viz ; " their mother was insane, and therefore must be locked up for her good." I have been told they would give expression to their feel- ings in language like the following, and it being (so character- istic of their natures, I have no doubt of its truth. " No," Georgie would say, " mother is good enough now I and haven't I a right to my mother?" "No," Elizabeth would say, "mother is not crazy, and you know she is not—I do think Pa is possessed with a devil, to treat our good, dear, kind mother as he does. We know our dear mother is good, for she never has done anything wrong—she is kind to you, and she is kind to everybody." The natural, unsophisticated natures of my children, ren- dered it very difficult for them to see< the necessity of locking up a person, while they were doing good, and had never done any thing wrong ! The philosophy of that kind of insanity, which required this to be done, was beyond their comprehension. And even the maturer minds of my oldest sons, Theophilus, then eigh- teen, and I. W., sixteen, were equally slow in discovering this necessity. In short, three years was too short a time for their father to convince these children of this painful necessity. At length, wearied with these fruitless efforts to get my children to sanction his cause, he finally resorted to the au- thority of the father to silence them into acquiescence to his MY JOURNEY. 53 views. He therefore forbade their talking upon the subject, and mude it an act of disobedience on their part, to talk about their mother. This taught them to use hypocrisy and deceit, for I. W., and, Elizabeth would watch their opportunity, in the absence of their father, to talk upon their favorite theme, and when Elizabeth and Georgie could not evade this order by day, they would take the hours of sleep and talk in a whisper about me, after they had retired to their bed. Another agency he employed to wean them from me, was, he would-not allow me to be spoken of in their presence, except as an insane person, and in terms of derision, ridicule, or contempt. But notwithstanding all these combined agen- cies, he could not wean them from me, or lessen their confi- dence in me, according to his own statement, which he mado to Mrs. Page on one of his yearly visits to the Asylum. Some years after this date he said, " I never saw children so attached to a mother, as Mrs. Packard's are to her-—I can- not by any means wean them from her, nor lead them to disregard her authority in the least thing, even now. I cannot even induce them to eat anything which they think she would- disapprove of. She seems by some means, to hold them to obedience to her wishes, just as much in her absence, as in her presence. This influence or power is more than 1 can under- stand." Yes, I knew full well that Mr. Packard did not understand the nature and disposition of my children, and therefore I felt unwilling to trust them with him. But how could I avert this fate? In no way. I had not chosen this separation— God's providence had permitted it against my wishes, and regardless of my prayer to the contrary. Now, what shall I do ? Shall I murmur and complain at what I can not help, and when I know it will do no good? or, must I silently sub- mit to this inevitable fate, and trust to the future develop- ments of providence to unravel this great mystery? Yes, I must submit. I must not complain, while at the same time, I have a right to use all suitable means for a restoration to my family and duties; therefore as the result of this soliloquy, 54 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. I concluded to avail myself of the advice given me by my Manteno friends at the depot, viz: "Be sure, Mrs. Packard, and tell every one you see that you are on your way to the Insane Asylum, and for what, for possibly by this means, you may come in contact with some influence that may rescue you." Knowing that duties were mine; and events God's, I determined to dry up my tears and address myself to this duty. I announced this determination to Deacon Dole in these words : " Mr. Dole I am not going to cry any more. Cry- ing is not going to help me. I am going to put on a cheerful countenance, and cultivate the acquaintance of my fellow travelers, and enjoy my ride the best I can. I may as well laugh as cry, for I have as good a right to be happy as any other person." " That is right, Sister Packard ; you have as good a right to be happy as any one, and I am glad to see you smile again." After exchanging a few remarks respecting the beauty of the country through Avhich we were passing, and the delight- fully calm and clear atmosphere, so tranquilizing in its influ- ence over one's disturbed feelings, I looked about to see who were my companions, when I met the eye of a young lady, a stranger to me, whose eyes seemed to fasten upon me with such a penetrating Jook, that I could hardly withdraw my own without bestowing upon her a smile of recognition. Upon this she bent forward and spoke to me, and extended tome her hand, saying, "I am very sorry for you. I see they are carrying you to the Insane Asylum, and you do not wish to go." " Yes, that is so, and I thank you for your sympathy; but I have concluded not to weep any more about it, as I shall need all my nervous energies to meet my fate with dignity and self-possession." "But you are not insane, why do they put you there?" '• Xo, I am not insane, but my husband is trying to put this brand upon me, to destroy my moral influence." MY JOURNEY. 55 "But why does he wish to destroy your influence?" "Because 1 have defended some opinions in a bible class, where he is the minister, which he can not overthrow by argument, and now he tells me he is going to make the world believe that I am insane, so that my opinions need not be believed, for he says he must 'protect the cause of Christ.' " " Don't he think it his duty to protect his wife ?" " He thinks it is his duty to protect her from injuring the cause of Christ, by locking her up in a prison !" " I heard you speak of your children ; how many have you?" " Six—five boys and one girl." "Six children ! and he, their father, taking from them their mother, simply because you differ from him in opinion ! 0, 'tis too bad ! how I pity you !" At this point, she burst into tears, and resting her head upon the back of my seat, she cried and sobbed until she had completely drenched her pocket-handkerchief, when I handed her one of my own and she drenched that also—" 0," she said, " you must not go! you are too good a woman to be locked up in an Insane Asylum." I tried to console her, by telling her I felt it would all come out right at last—that all I had to do was, to be patient and do right. She then put her arm around my neck and kissed me, say- ing, " how I wish I could help you ! I will do all I can for you." She then left her seat and brought back another lady, whom she introduced as one who wished to talk with me. From her I learned that the sympathy of the passengers was with me—that some had thought of volunteering in my defence, and this feeling was now gaining strength by the influence of my first friend's conversation amongst them. I saw groups of gentlemen evidently talking together about me—some con- versed with me, and I had my hopes somewhat raised that something would be done to restore me to my children, and by the time the cars reached Tolono, I felt I was amongst friends, instead of strangers. 5»> THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Mr. Packard could not but see that the tide was against him, for he sat by mv side and listened most attentively to every word, and when opportunity presented, he aimed by self-vindication to counteract every hopeful influence from taking possession of my mind, by such remarks as these, "Von sav, wife, that the Lord prospers those whose ways please him; now, judging by this test, who is prospered in their plans, you or I? you see I succeed in all I undertake, while all your ef- forts are defeated. Now isn't the Lord on my side?" "The time hasn't come to decide that question by this test, this is only the beginning, not the end of this sad drama. You may be prospered by having-your way for a time, only to make your defeat all the more signal I do not think it is certain the Lord is not on my side, simply because I am not now delivered out of your power. God has a plan to be ac- complished, which requires all this to take place in order to its ultimate success. But I can't see what that plan is, nor why my sufferings are necessary to its accomplishment. But God does, and that faith or trust in the rectitude of his plans, keeps my mind in peace even now. Neither do I think it is certain the Lord is on your side, because you have been per- mitted to have your own way in getting me imprisoned. The end will settle this question." Another attempt at self-vindication appeared in the follow- ing conversation—said he, " You think a great deal of your father, and that what he does is right ; now I want to show you that he upholds me in doing as 1 now am, and approves of the course I am now pursuing, and here is a letter from your own dear father confirming all I have said." As he said this, he handed me an open letter in my father's own hand-writing, saying, "Here, read for yourself and see what your father says about it." "No," said I, shaking my head, "I do not wish to read such a letter from my father, for it would be a libel upon his revered memory. I know too, that if he has written such a letter a? you represent, he has had a false view of the c se presented to him. My father would never approve of the MY JOURNEY. 57 course you are pursuing, if he knew what the truth is respect- ing it. You have told him lies about me, or you never would have had his approval in putting me into an Asylum." Still he persistently urged me to read the letter, so I could judge for myself. But I would not." This was the only kind of consolation he attempted to offer me. We dined at Tolono, where I had the good fortune to be seated by the side of a very intelligent gentleman, at the head of the table, whom I afterwards found to be the general freight agent, who boarded there at that time. He sat at the end of the. table, I sat next him on the side, and Mr. Packard next to me. This gentleman, in a polite, gentle- manly manner, drew me into a free and easy conversation with himself, wherein I freely avowed some of my obnoxious views, and my progressive reform principles, respecting the laws of health, physical development, etc. He expressed his high appreciation of my views and prin- ciples, and remarked, " These have been exactly my views for a long time, and now I am happy to find one woman who is willing to endorse and defend them, and who can do so with so much ability." The entire attention of our table guests seemed centered upon our conversation, for all ap- peared to be silent listeners, and none seemed to be in any haste to withdraw—the cars giving us ample time for a full and leisurely taken meal. I noticed -one of the female waiters, a very intelligent looking lady, seemed almost to forget her duties, so eager was she to listen to every word of our conversation. After retiring with my husband to the sitting room, I recollected the instructions given me to tell all where I was goins, had been disregarded at the table, where I ought to have replied to the gentleman's compliment, by saying, "I am happy to have your approval, sir, for it is for avowing these views and principles that I am called insane, and am now on my way to Jacksonville, to be entered as an inmate, to suffer the penalty of indefinite imprisonment for this daring act; and this, sir, is my husband, Rev. Theophilus Packard, 58 THE PRISONERS H1DDKN LIFE. of Manteno, who is now attending me there." This thought did flit across my mind at the table, but the habitual practice I had acquired of shielding, instead of exposing my husband, led me to resist this suggestion of self-defence and wise coun- sel. I saw now my error in yielding, thus foolishly, to this feminine weakness, and I,like Peter, went out, not "to weep bitterly," but to seek to make the best atonement I could for this sin. I sought and found that listening female waiter, and asked her who that gentleman was with whom I held my conversation at the table. She told me. " 'Will you please deliver this message to him? Tell him the lady with whom he conversed at the table is Mrs. Packard, and that the gentleman by her side was her husband, a minister, who is taking her to Jacksonville, to imprison her for advancing such ideas as he had so publicly endorsed and approved at the table." The woman looked at me in amazement, and exclaimed, "You are not going into the Asylum !" " Yes, I am. This very night 1 shall be a prisoner there." " But you must not go ! You shall not go ! Come and consult the landlady—she may hide you." As she said this, she took me by the hand, and led me to an open door, where, from the threshold, she introduced me to a very kind looking lady, in these words : " This is the lady I told you about, and her husband is taking her to the Insane Asylum ; can't you help her ? " Looking at me for a moment in amazement, she said : " Yes, I will. Come with me and I will hide you." " No, my kind friend, it will be of no avail. My husband has the law on his side, and you can not protect me." "But I will try. You must not go into an Insane Asylum. Come ! and I will shield you." As she said this she extended to me her hand, while the tears of real sympathy were coursing down her cheek. I replied, "O ! sister, I thank you for your kindness and sym- pathy. But don't distress yourself for me. I shall be sus- tained. I feel that God's providence overrules all, and I MY RECEPTION. 59 know God will take care of me and my children." Just as I finished this sentence, Mr. Packard stood by my side, and he with a most respectful bow said, " Wife, will you go with me to the parlor?" I quietly took his arm, and bowing to my would be protector, walked with him to the parlor, where I remained seated by his side until the cars arrived, when I took his arm and went into them, and we were again on our way to Jacksonville. Here I met again my valiant female defender, who informed me that her advisers had de- cided that there was no way to rescue me from my husband's hands ; but that it was certain that a ladylike myself would oe retained at the Asylum but a very short time, and would soon be restored to my children and liberty again. After thanking her most cordially, for her help and sympathy, we kissed and parted, never to meet again, unless in the un- known future, Now my last hope died within me, and as the gloomy walls of my prison could be but indistinctly defined by the gray twilight of a summer evening, I held on to my husband's arm, as he guided my footsteps up the massive stone steps, into my dreary piison, where by lamplight he introduced me to Dr. Tenny, the Assistant Superintendent, to be conducted by him to my lonely, solitary cell. VI. My Reception. Yes, here within these prison walls, my husband and I parted, as companions, forever—he was escorted to the "guest chamber," while I, his constant companion of twenty-one years, was entrusted to the hands of my prison keeper to be led by him to find my bed and lodging, he knew not where, and to be subject to insults, he knew not what. While he was resting on his wide, capacious, soft, luxurious bed, in the stately airy apartment of the Asylum guests, he did not know that the only place of repose provided for his GO THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. weary wife was a hard narrow settee, with no soft pillows to rest her weary head upon. But he did know 1 had no darling babe at my side, but, solitary and alone 1 must compose my- self to sleep, not knowing at what hour of the night my room might be entered, nor by whom, or for what purpose—for the key of my room was no longer in my own, nor my husband's hands, but in the hands of stranger men, and his wife entirely at their mercy. Yes, this is all the protection I got from the one, for whom I left all to love, cherish and make happy, in return for his promised protection, with all the trusting confidence of wo- man. 1 never doubted but he would protect my virtue and my innocence. Yes, I trusted too, he would be the protector of my right of maternity also, for the dear children 1 had borne him. O, could I sleep amid these turbid waters, whose surging billows so mercilessly swept over my soul thoughts such as these ; but one thought there was, more dreadful to my sensitive feelings than all others—now these dear children, these dear fragments of myself, must even bear the dismal, dreadful taint, of hereditary insanity, for their mother now lodges amid the hated walls of an Insane Asylum, as an in- mate, and Oh ! to whom can their mother now look for pro- tection? To whom shall I make complaint if insulted ? Oh, to whom? I can not write a letter unless it is inspected by my men keepers. AVhy is this? Is it because they intend to insult me, and deprive me of my post-office rights to shield and hide their own guilt? But can I not hand a letter clan- destinely to the Trustees, as thev pass through? If I could do such a thing, and entered a charge against their Superintend- ent, would this be heeded? Would not this Superintendent deny the truth, and defend his lie by the plea, that his accuser is insane, and this is only one of the fancies of her diseased brain? • Yes, yes, there is no man, woman, or child or law, who now can care for my soul, or protect my virtue. And yet while I am an American citizen, lam excluded, without trial from society, and then denied any protection by law of one MY FIRST DAY. Q\ of my inalienable rights. I am not only outlawed, but I am absolutely denied all and every means of self-defence, no mat- ter how criminal, nor how aggravated the offence may be. My womanly nature does call for, and need some refuge to flee to, either to the law, or to man. But here, I have neith- er. Should my keeper chance to be a bad man, 1 have no refuge but my God to flee too—therefore, into Thy hands do I commit my body for safe keeping this night. My spirit, and the future of my earthly destiny, I have long since com- mitted to Thy care, and now protect my body from harm, and give me the sleep my tired nature needs, and thus prepare me to bear the trials of to-morrow, as well as I have those of to-day, and Thou shalt have the honor of delivering me from the power of my adversaries. May no sin be ever suffered to have dominion over me. With these thoughts, I fell into a quiet sleep, from which I awoke not until the morning of my first day in the Asylum dawned upon me. VII. My First Day of Prison Life. At an early hour, I arose from my settee-bed, first kneeled before it, and thanked my kind Father in Heaven for the re- freshing sleep I had enjoyed, and asked for sustaining grace for the duties of the day. To prepare myself for these duties I took mv sponge bath, as usual, since Mrs. De La Hay, my attendant, had, at my request, furnished me a bowl from her own room, towels, etc., so that I could take my bath in my room, as this had long been a habit, I very much wished to re- tain while there. 1 soon found that she had especially favor- ed me in granting this request, since it is the general custom there, to have all the ladies perform their morning ablutions in the bath room, and I could not learn that any, except my attendant, approved of washing all over, daily in cold water, 62 THE PttlSONERS HIDDEN LIFE. as I did. And, as a general thing, their toilet had to be pre- pared before the same common mirror in the bath room. Therefore I requested Mr. Packard to furnish my room with a bowl, and pitcher, and a mirror, which he accordingly did, and before another night, I had a bed prepared like the other prisoners, which was a comfortable, narrow mattress bed, on a narrow bedstead. Mrs. De La Hay had done the best she could the night before, to accommodate me, since the beds in the Seventh ward were all occupied when I arrived. After finishing my toilet in my room, with the aid of my own brushes and combs and small mirror, which my traveling basket contained, I was invited out to my breakfast with the other prisoners. At my request my attendants introduced me to my companions, most of whom returned my salutation with lady like civility. Our fare was very plain and coarse, consisting almost entirely of bolted bread and meat, and tea and coffee. But as I drank neither tea nor coffee, I found it rather dry without any kind of vegetables, not even pota- toes, and sauce or fruits of any kind. As my diet had con- sisted of Graham bread, fruits and vegetables, to a great extent, I felt quite apprehensive lest my health would ma- terially suffer from so great a change. Mr. Packard did not, however, now seem to care any more what his wife had to eat, than where she had to sleep, for so long as he staved at the Asylum he was the table guest of Dr. McFarland, whose table was always spread with the most tempting viands and luxuries the season or the markets could afford. Mr. Packard did not even allow me the honor of an invitation to sit with him at this table ; although the night before, a special meal had to be ordered for us both, he took his at the Doctor's table, while I had to be sent to the ward, to eat my warm biscuits and butter there alone. I felt these indignities, these neglects, these inattentions, just as any other affectionate, sensitive wife would naturally feel under such circumstances. But, for twenty-one years I had been schooling myself to keep under subjection to my reason and conscience, the manifestation of those indignant MY FIRST DAY. 63 emotions which are the natural, spontaneous feelings which such actions must inevitably germinate in a true, confiding wife. Therefore I made no manifestation of them under these provocations. At a very early period in my married life, had I learned the sad truth that it was impossible for Mr. Packard to appreciate or understand my womanly nature; therefore 1 had habituated myself to the exercise of charitable feelings towards him in my interpretation of such manifes- tations. I had tried to school myself to believe that his heart was not so much at fault as his education, and there- fore, I could sincerely pray the Lord to forgive him, for he knows not what he does—he does not know how to treat a woman. I knew that the least manifestation of these indig- nant emotions would be misconstrued by him into feelings of anger, instead of a natural, praiseworthy resentment of wrong doing. And the laudable manifestation of these feelings under such circumstances, would tend to lessen, instead of increasing my self-respect. He held me in such relation towards himself as my father did towards himself, so that any resistance of his authority was attended with the same feeling of guilt which I would have felt in resisting my father's authority. And I, like a natural child, had always felt an almost reverential respect for my father's authority, and nothing to me seemed a greater sin than an act of diso- bedience to his commands ; my conscience even demanded that I yield unquestioning submission to even the denial of my most fondly cherished hopes and anticipations. Mr. Packard had been introduced into our family when I was but ten years old, and he had been my father's ministerial companion for eleven years, and when I married him he had been my lover or suitor for only a few months. Previous to this time I had only looked upon him as my father's com- panion and guest, but never as even a social companion of his daughter, who had always been taught to be a silent listener to her father's social guests. This parental training of reverential feeling towards father's ministerial guests, had capacitated me to become an G-t THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. unresisting victim to Mr. Packard's marital power or author- ity And as Mr. Packard's education had led him to feel that this marital authority was the foundation stone of the marriage union, he, of course, conscientiously claimed, what I was too willing to grant, viz : subjection to his will and wishes. But undeveloped as I then was, my true nature instinctively revolted at this principle as wrong; but wherein, it was then difficult for me to demonstrate, even to my own satisfaction. But I can now see that my nature was only claiming its just rights, by this instinctive resistance to this marital authority. It was the protection of my identity or individuality which I was thus claiming from my husband, instead of its subjection, as he claimed. The parental authority, I admit, has a sub- jective claim, to a degree ; but the marital has only the authority of protection. I believe that the moment a hus- band begins to subject his wife, that moment the fundamental law of the marriage union is violated. Both parties are injured by this act—the husband has taken the first step towards tvrannv, and the injured wife has inevitably taken her first step towards losing her natural feeling of reverence towards her husband. Slavish fear is conjugal love's antag- onistic foe—the purest and most devoted woman's love vanishes before it, as surely as the gentle dew vanishes before the sun's burning rays. Fortify this love ever so strongly, this principle of slavish subjection will undermine and overthrow the most impenetrable fortresses, and take the victim captive at its will. So had my conjugal love been led into a most unwilling captivity by my husband's tyranny, and all the charitable framework which woman's forgiving nature could throw around it, could not prevent this captivity, nor redeem the precious captive, so lone as the tyranny of subjection claimed its victim! But to the triumph of God's grace I can say it, that during these twenty-one years of spiritual captivity, I do not know that I ever spoke a disrespectful word to my husband. I endured the soul agonies of this blighting, love strangling process silently, MY FIRST DAY. 6o and for the most part uncomplainingly. I could, and cheer- fully did do my duty to this usurper, as I would have done to a husband. But these duties had to be done from the dictates of settled principle, rather than from the impulse of true conjugal love. I hope my impulsive readers will now be prepared to un- derstand that it is not because I did not feel these insults that I did not resent them ; but I had not then reached that stage of womanly development where I had the moral cour- age to defend myself by asserting my own rights. This stage of growth was indeed just dawning upon me ; but 0 ! the dense clouds attending this dawning of my individual existence I I had indeed practically asserted one of these inalienable rights, by not yielding my conscience and opinion to the dictates of creeds or church tyranny. Yes, I had maintained my rights of conscience in defiance of the marital power also. And this, too, had been the very hinge on which my reputation for sanity had been suspended. As Mr. Packard expressed himself, "Never before had Elizabeth persistently resisted his will or wishes—a few kind words and a little coaxing would always before set her right; but now she seems strangely determined to have her own way, and it must be she is insane." Thus in my first struggle after my independence, I lost my personal liberty. Sad beginning ! Had it not been better for me to submit to oppression and spiritual bondage, rather than have attempted to break the fetters of marital and religious despotism ! No, I cannot feel that I have done either myself, or others, the least wrong, in the course I have thus far taken ; therefore I have no recantations to make, and can give no pledges of future subjection to either of these powers, where their claims demand the surrender of my conscience to their dictation. And this is what they call my insanity, and for which I was sent to the Asylum to be cured. I think it will be a long time before this cure will be effected. God grant me the quietude of patient endurance, come what will, in the stand I have taken. 66 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. While these, and similar reflections were passing through my mind, the door of my cell was opened by a fine looking gentleman in company with Mr. Packard, to whom he intro- duced me, as Dr. McFarland, the Superintendent. He had but just returned from a journey East, so that Dr. Tenny, the Assistant, received me. Dr. McFarland politely invited me to accompany them to the "reception room." 1 gladly accepted this invitation to be restored to the civilities of civilization, even temporarily. I seated myself upon the sofa by Mr. Packard's side, and the Doctor took the big rocking chair, directly in front of us, and opened an interest- ing and pleasant conversation, by narrating incidents of his eastern journey. In a very easy and polite manner he led on the conversation to other points and topics of interest at the present day, and finally to the progressive ideas of the age, even to religion and politics. lie very gallantly allowed me a full share of the time to express my own thoughts, while Mr. Packard sat entirely speechless. As the tone and spirit of the conversation rendered it proper, I recollect I made a remark something like this: "I don't know why it is, Doctor, it may be merely a foolish pride which prompts the feeling, but I can't help feeling an instinctive aversion to being called insane. There seems to be a kind of disparagement of intellect attending this idea, which seems to stain the purity and darken the lustre of the reputation forever after." " No, Mrs. Packard, this is not necessarily so ; even some of the most renowned and gifted minds in the world have been insane, and their reputations and characters are still revered and respected, such as Cowper and Tasso, the greatest poets in the world, and many others." I made no plea of defence in favor of my sanity, and par- ticularly avoided any disparaging or criminating remarks respecting Mr. Packard, but simply let the conversation take the direction the Doctor dictated. But, as I then thouo-ht fortunately for me, he introduced no topic where I felt at any loss what to say, to keep up an intelligent interchanff! MY FIRST DAY. 67 of thought and expression. In short, this interview of an hour or more, was to me a feast of reason and a flow of soul, and it seemed to be equally so to the Doctor, unless my womanly instincts very much deceived me. When I was returned to my ward, and behind the fatal dead lock, dining with the insane, I must confess I did feel more out of my proper place, than I did while in the reception room of refined society. After noticing the manner in which the institution was conducted for the three succeeding years, I found that the interview I had had with the Doctor was a most uncommon occurrence. Indeed, I never knew of a single instance where any other patient ever had so fair an opportunity of self-representation, by a personal interview upon their re- ception into the Asylum, as he had thus allowed me. They are usually taken, forthwith, from their friends in the recep- tion room, and led directly into the ward, as Dr. Tenny had done by me the night before. But unlike my case afterwards, there they were left to remain indefinitely, so far as an interview with the Doctor was concerned. Many patients were received and discharged, while I was there, who never had five minutes conversation with the Doctors while in the Asylum. Often the new arrival would come to me and inquire, " When am I to have an examination?" I would reply, "You never have an examination after you get here, for the Doctor receives you on the representation of those who want you should stay here." "But I never had any examination before I came, and even did not know where I was being brought, until I got here, and then my friends told me I should have an examina- tion after I arrived." " I believe you are speaking the truth ; for public senti- ment seems to allow, that one whom any one wishes to regard as insane, may be deceived and lied to to any extent with impunity; and besides, the blinded public generally sup- pose that the inmates do all have to pass an examination here before they are received, which is not the fact. They 68 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. take it for granted that all are of course insane, or they would not be brought here, as Dr. Tenny said of me to Mrs. Waldo, in reply to her inquiry, 'Dr. Tenny, do you call Mrs. Packard an insane person?' 'Of course I do, or she would not be brought here,' was his reply. And then the outsiders say, 'Of course they are insane, or they would not have been received.' Thus our insanity is demonstrated beyond a question !" After dinner 1 saw from the grated window of my cell, the Asylum carriage drive up in front of the steps, when Mr. Packard was politely handed in, and the carriage drove off. LTpon inquiry, I found he had gone to ride, to see the beauties of the scenery about Jacksonville, and the public buildings and handsome residences. "Oh," thought I, " why could ho not have invited me to ride with him? And how could ho seek comfort for himself, while he left his wife amid scenes of such wretchedness ?" Not long after, my attendant came to my room and invited me to take a walk. I most gladly accepted- the invitation, struggling and panting as my spirit was. for freedom ; and I found that the pure air alone exerted an exhilerating influ- ence over my feelings, and I with another prisoner, proposed to walk about the buildings, to see the grounds, etc. But we soon found ourselves followed by our watchful at- tendant, to see if we were not trying to run off! "Oh," said I, "is this the vigilance that I am subjected to? Is there no more freedom outside of our bolts and bars, than within them? Are we not allowed to be paroled like prison- ers? No, no. No parole of honor is allowed these prisoners, for not one moment are we allowed to be out of sight and hearing of our vigilant attendant. And these are the walks and circumscribed limits Mr. Packard has assigned his wife, while he can roam where he pleases, with none to molest or make him afraid." It is my opinion that this institution receives and retains many sane persons, of whose sanity Dr. McFarland is as well assured as he was of my own. I do believe that he became PARTING SCENE. 69 fully convinced in his heart that I was not insane, before our interview terminated ; but since I had been already received by his assistant, he did not like to revoke his decision so ab- ruptly as to return me directly into my husband's hands; neither did he wish to disappoint the wishes nor thwart the plans of a very respectable and popular minister of high standing in the Presbyterian church, for by this act he might possibly alienate some popular influences from his support; and one other thought may have had some influence over this decision (and will not my reader pardon my vanity if I men- tion it ?) namely, I think the intelligent Doctor thought he would like to become better acquainted with me. By thus retaining me for a few days, he felt that I could then be re- turned to the satisfaction of all parties. His subsequent polite attentions, and the remark he made to me at one of these interviews, viz : "Mrs. Packard, you will not remain here many days," in connection with a remark he made Mrs. Judge Thomas, of Jacksonville, respecting me, has led me to feel that I did not then misjudge him. The remark was this, "Mrs. Thomas, we have a very remarkable patient now in our Asylum. It is a Mrs. Packard, a clergyman's wife, from Massachusetts. She has a high order of talent, has a very superior education, is polished and refined in her man- ners, having ever moved in the best society, and is the most intelligent lady I ever saw. I think you would like to make her acquaintance." VIII. The Parting Scene. The next day I had a brief interview with the Doctor alone in my room, which was very pleasant and satisfactory to me—that is, I thought he could not think I was an insane person, therefore I had a little ray of hope to cling to, as Mr. Packard had not yet left. Dr. McFarland did not ex- change a word with me upon this subject. But this dying hope was destined very soon to go out in utter darkness. 70 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. About three o'clock in the afternoon Mr. Packard came the second time to my room, and as he had allowed me to be in his company only during the interview I had with the Doctor, during the two days and nights he had been in the Asylum, I felt it to be a privilege to accept of his invitation to go to the reception room and have a talk with him there. I ac- cordingly took his arm, without its being offered, and walked out of the hall. As we passed on I heard some one remark, " See ! that lady is not alienated from her husband. See how kindly she takes her husband's arm." I seated myself by his side on the sofa, when he said, "I am going to leave for Manteno in about one hour, and I did not know but that you would like to have a talk with me before Heft." " Then you are determined to leave your wife in an Insane Asylum. 0, husband ! how can you do so ?" I then burst into tears. "I hoped we should have a pleasant interview before we parted." "Pleasant! how could it be pleasant to leave me in such a place? and do you think it will be pleasant for me to be left? Only think of those dear little motherless children !" "I shall see that they are well taken care of." " But you can not give them a mother's care. 0, how can my children live without their mother; and how can I live without my children?" As this strong maternal feeling of my nature came welling up into such a high pitch of infensity, it seemed as if my heart would burst with anguish, at this hitherto unaccepted thought. I arose, and with my handkerchief to my face, I walked the room back and forth, at the same time, begging and pleading in the most plaintive, expressive terms, that he would com- mute my sentence of banishment, so far as not to separate me from my children. 0, do be entreated in some way, to allow me this one favor, and my grateful, thankful heart will bless you forever. 0, it will kill me to be separated from those dear ones. My babe ! 0, what will become of him • and what PARTING SCENE. 71 will become of me, without my babe? 0, husband, do ! do ! let^me return with you to my children ! You know I have always been a kind and faithful mother, and wife too, and now how can you treat me so ?" For sometime I walked the room, giving utterance to such, and similar expressions, without raising my eyes, or noticing the effect my plea was having upon him ; but after a long pause, and vainly watching for his reply for some time, I look- ed up to see why he did not speak to me, when lo 1 what did I see ? My husband, sound asleep on the sofa, nodding his head. In astonishment, I indignantly exclaimed, " 0 husband ! are you asleep ? Can you sleep, when your wife is in such agony ?" The emphatic tones of my voice brought him back to consciousness, when he raised his head, and opening his eyes, replied, "I can't keep awake ; I have been broke of my rest!" J " I see it is of no use to say any thing more—it will avail nothing. We may as well part now as ever." Saying this, I walked up to him and extended to him my hand, and as I did so, I said, " Farewell, husband, forever ! may our next meeting be in the spirit land ; and if there you find yourself in need of help to rise to a higher plane, remember there is one spirit in the universe, who is willing to descend to any depth of misery, to help you on to a higher plane, if this can be done—and this spirit is your Elizabeth. Farewell, hus- band, forever !" " I am sorry to hear you talk so ; I hoped we should have a pleasant parting." This was our parting scene. Now let me introduce to my reader, a scene in the Doctor's office, which succeeded this. Leaving me in the reception room, he repaired to the office, to take his leave of the Doctor. Now it was his turn to cry. Availing himself of this right, he now burst into a flood of tears, which so choked his utter- ance, it was some minutes before he could articulate at all, when he at length exclaimed, " How I pity my wife ! How 72 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. hard it is to leave her here ! 0, if I only were not obliged to do so, how gladly would I take her home. She is such a good wife, how can I part with her? But I must do so, hard as it is, for her good." Thus he went on, acting this part of the drama to perfection. Indeed, so well, and adroitly did he act the husband, that the intelligent Doctor McFarland himself, was deluded into the belief that he was sincere, and that these were the tears of true sorrow and affection. Alluding to this scene months afterwards, he remarked, " I never saw a man so deeply afflicted, and even heart-broken, as Mr. Packard was, at parting with you. He was the most heart-broken man I ever saw. If ever a man manifested true affection for his wife, it was Mr. Packard." Yes, he so completely psychologised the Doctor into the feeling that he loved me most devotedly, and was compelled in spite of himself, to incarcerate me, that the Doctor felt certain there had been a justifiable cause for my having been brought there. Satisfied that his work was now well done, he took his leave of the Doctor, and his tears at the same time, and with a light heart and quick step, passed out on to the porch, where he stopped to give me one look of satisfied delight, that he had finally completely triumphed, in getting me imprisond be- yond all hope of deliverance. Never had I seen his face more radiant with joy, than when he looked up to me, as I stood before the open window of the reception room, and threw me his kisses from the ends of his fingers, and bowed me his hap- py adieu. Yes, happy, that his conspiracy against my per- sonal liberty had so completely triumphed over all opposition. Having secured the entombment of the mother, he had now naught to do but to teach her children to despise their mother, and treat her name and memory, with contempt and derision. DISAPPOINTED HOPES. 73 IX. Disappointed Hopes. Mr. Packard has gone ! My last hope of deliverance through him, has now sunk into a rayless night of despair. Yes, utter despair of ever being liberated and reinstated in my family again. He has not so much as even uttered one syllable on which I could build such a hope. I never have heard him even say, he hoped I should ever get better, so as to be with him once more. What can this mean? Has he buried me for life? Yes, so his conduct speaks, and no word, or act contradicts it. Hopeless imprisonment! 0,' may my reader never know what these terms signify. I know what it is to endure endless torment, and hopeless bondage ! and it is a terrible doom. I did try to build a faint hope, upon the fact that he had brought only a small satchel of things with me, and these could not last me long, but'before he left, he dashed this hope to the ground by telling me, he should send me my trunk, after he got home. In about three weeks, there did arrive a monstrous sized trunk directed to Mrs. Packard, which led the patients to exclaim, "I? Mr. Packard going to keep his wife here for life ?" And how did my sad heart echo this fearful question. But even amid this gloom, one ray of comfort gleamed forth at the thought, now I shall hear from my dear children. They surely will send some token of love and affection to their imprisoned mother. And to enjoy this comfort to its fullest extent, I asked the Doctor to allow me to unpack it in my own room, with my door locked. He kindly locked me in himself, seemingly rejoicing in my anticipated joy. My first surprise on opening it, was to see so few articles of clothing, and these of the very poorest kind, and in a state of the most tangled confusion, with rotten lemons and cans of fruit scattered amongst them to their detriment, poor as thev were. The whole contents would not fill one-third of D 74 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. the trunk, and this caused the confusion in the transportation of the trunk. And why he should send so large a trunk to carry so few articles, has always been an unsolved mystery to me. Bnt this feeling was soon lost in the bright thought of soon finding my childrens' love tokens. Each and every article was most carefully searched, to find what would be next to finding my child, for his own fingers must have held it and kissed it for his mother. But ah! must I utter the sad truth, that no token, no letter could be found, on which my fond heart could rest its loving impulses? Yes, so it was; and being alone, I wept in deepest anguish at this disappointed hope. My sons after- wards told me that they all expressed a wish to send me a letter and many tokens, but their father had refused to let them do so unless he should dictate the letters. I. W. said he knew that to get such a letter as his father would dictate, would pain me more than it would to get none at all. And so it would have been, for on a narrow strip of paper, four inches long and two wide, I found pencilled, "We are glad to hear you are getting better; hope you will soon get well. Your daughter Elizabeth." This her father made her write to make me feel that she believed me insane; and he knew nothing would torment me so much as this thought from her. Indeed, I found that what I. W. had said was too true. I was more pained to get this line from my daughter, than I would have been to get none at all; for not knowing the truth, I did fear she was coming under the influence of this delusion. I think the Doctor pitied me under this trial, for the next day, when in reply to his questions, I told him I found no letters, or love tokens, or messages from my children, he seemed astonished, and said, "I thought you would find many letters. I wonder they did not write their mother." Another disappointment. I had especially requested Mr. Packard that my nice black silk dress and white crape shawl be sent, so that I could go to church decently dressed. But not only these, but all my other good articles of clothing DISAPPOINTED HOPES. 75 \ • were kept from me, not only while I was in the Asyium, but long after I was liberated; and then he was forced to give them up upon my father's authority. Now my only hope of deliverance lay in the Mantenoites fulfilling their promise to get me out in a few days. Every carriage and man was watched, hoping to find in him my de- liverer. But none came, until several weeks, when I was called from Mrs. McFarland's parlor into the reception room, to see Mr. and Mrs. Blessing, from Manteno, and a stranger, to whom they introduced me as Dr. Shirley, of Jacksonville. Dr. Shirley took the lead in the conversation, and I was delighted at the compliment he paid me in introducing sub- jects such as required intelligence and scientific knowledge to converse upon. Our pleasure in sustaining such an inter- change of thoughts seemed to be mutually reciprocated, and I think we both parted feeling that we were wiser than when we met. I am sure this was the case with me, and from what Dr. Shirley said of me to those who had employed him to test my sanity, I think I did not misjudge him. In reply to their inquiry, " Is she insane ?" he said, " She is the sanest person I ever saw. I wish the world was full of such women." Now that my sanity was established beyond question, the Mantenoites resolved to liberate me, and therefore appointed a public indignation meeting for this purpose, to see what could be done to effect it. Mr. Packard hearing of this pro- posed meeting to liberate his imprisoned wife, sent to Chicago and obtained Rev. A. D. Eddy, D. D., and Mr. Cooley, of the firm of Cooley & Farwell, to come to Manteno and help him to withstand and defeat this philanthropic plan. They both came and did their work up thoroughly and successfully, in that they browbeat the Mantenoites, and silenced them into submission to the dictates of this ministerial and church influence. Thus this plan was defeated, and I was destined to another disappointment. Mr. Blessing told me clandes- tinely, he had come to effect my liberation if possible. But these Mantenoites determined that their defeat should 76 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. not be a failure, and therefore they determined to try the habeas corpus act, and thus secure me a fair trial at least But to their surprise, they found it exceedingly difficult if not impossible, to extend this act to a legal "nonentity, unless by the consent of Mr. Packard, who stood for me in law, and of course he would not consent to any step which would allow me any chance at self-defence. Therefore, with the encouragement and assistance of his brother ministers, and the church, he learned how to ward off this attempt sue- C6ssfu.ll v. Again the Mantenoites assembled, and by their generous contributions raised a liberal purse of money, to be used in my defence. They sent a delegation to the Asylum, to in- form me of this fact, which they did, by carefully noting the time the Doctor's back was turned, to inform me as they walked through the prison halls. Said they, " Any amount of money you can have, if money can help you. Send to Theophilus, your son to take you out." I simply had time to reply, " I can't send letters out." This was all we could say clandestinely. Although I could see no hope of deliverance through this source, yet the thought that I was being cared for by any one outside my prison, was a great consolation to me. Through the influence of friends, my oldest son Theophilus visited the Asylum, and obtained an interview with me, a de- tailed account of which visit is given in my " Three Years Imprisonment," on page 127, therefore I shall not repeat this affecting scene. But the result I mention, to show how our hopes are germinated, only to be blighted by Asylum life. At this interview, Dr. McFarland fairly promised to co-operate with my son, in doing all in his power to get me out, and af- terwards refused to do the least thing towards it, not even to send my letters to my son, nor would he deliver his to me. I know he received letters from him, for shortly after, 1 saw one on his office table from him, directed to me, and I took it up to read it, and he took it from me, refusing to let me know its contents. Now I found I was destined to another SUNNY SIDE OF MY PRISON LIFE. 77 disappointment, for the Doctor had not only refused to cc-op- erate, but was evidently defeating my son's filial attempts to rescue his mother. The agony of this disappointment was increased by the fact that the Doctor had deceived us both, in this transaction, therefore his word could no longer be trusted. I was very sorry to be obliged to come to this conclusion, for until this development I had regarded him as a man of honor, whose word could be trusted. Another effort my friends made, was to go to the Govenor on my behalf, but he replied he could not repeal laws, nor en- act laws—he could only execute laws, and if there was no law by which I could have a trial, or be liberated, he did not know of any thing that he could do for me. It was my hus- band's business to take me out, and if he refused, there was no law to force him, so long as Dr. McFarland claimed I was insane. After all these sore disappointments, I found that my per- sonal liberty, and personal identity, were entirely at the mercy of Mr. Packard and Dr. McFarland; that no law of the Institution or of the State, recognised my identity while a married woman; therefore, no protection, not even the criminal's right of self-defence, could be extended to me; and therefore I must intelligently yield up all hopes of my per- sonal liberty, so long as Mr. Packard and Dr. McFarland lived and agreed in keeping me imprisoned. X. The Sunny Side of my Prison Life. For the first four months of my prison life, Dr. McFarland treated me himself, and caused me to be treated, with all the respect of a hotel boarder, so far as lay in his power to do so. As to medical treatment, I received none at all, either from himself, or his subordinates. And the same may be said with equal truth, of all the inmates. This is the general 78 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. rule ; those few cases where thev receive any kind of medical treatment, are the exceptions. A little ale occasionally, is the principal part of the medical treatment which these ex- ceptions receive, unless his medical treatment consists in the "laying on of hands," for this treatment is almost universally bestowed. But the manner in which this was practised, va- ried very much in different cases. For the first four months the Doctor "laid his hands " very gently upon me, except that the pressure of my hand in hia was sometimes quite perceptible, and sometimes, as I thought, longer continued than this healing process demanded ! Still as I was then quite a novice in this mode of cure, I might not have been a proper judge ! But after these four months he laid his hands upon me in a different manner, and as I then thought and still do think, far too violently. There was no mistaking the character of these grips—no duplicity after this period rendered this modern mode of treatment, of doubtful interpretation to me. To Dr. McFarland's credit I must say it, that if shaking hands with his patients is his mode of medical treatment, I must give him the credit of paying no respect of persons in administering it. For indeed there was seldom an occupant of the Seventh ward who did not daily feel the grip of the Superintendent's hand. And I have no doubt but that this mode of imparting mag- netism was in many instances beneficial to the patient. So far as its influence upon me was concerned, I cheerfully ad- mit that I considered myself benefitted by it. My nervous system had been severely taxed, my sympathies had been stifled, and these heavy draughts on the vital forces of my nature had left me in a condition to be easily strengthened and benefitted by the magnetic influence of a stroncand sym- pathising man. The affectionate pressure of his great hand seemed to impart a kind of vitality to my nervous svstem, which did help me bear my spiritual tortures with oreater fortitude and composure. I felt that he did pity me, and really wished to be a true friend to me and my interests. Many thanks are due Dr. McFarland for the courteous, manly SUNNY SIDE OF MY PRISON LIFE. 79 treatment I received from him during this favored period. I did not then think, neither do I now cherish the thouo-ht, that Dr. McFarland intended to manifest himself towards me in any manner inconsistent with the principles of a high toned, manly gentleman. Only one impulsive act did he allow himself to commit during this period, which I think his reason would not approve, so far as his personal treatment of me was concerned. One day I was entrusted with the care of some of the Seventh ward prisoners, to recreate ourselves in the court- yard. Availing myself of the sources of amusement there furnished, I seated myself upon a swing, and also politely accepted the offer of a gentleman, who was reclining upon the grass under the shady tree, to swing me. After allow- ing him to do so for a while, I asked him to allow me to get off and let another take my place. But instead of receiving their thanks for this offer, Mrs. Gassaway, one of the prison- ers, a wife, and mother of several children, bestowed upon me a most severe reprimand, not only for swinging myself, but also for allowing a "male patient," as she called my gallant, to swing me. Instead, therefore, of accepting this offer herself, or allowing any other one to accept it, she started with a quick step towards the ward, to report my misdemeanors to Miss Eagle, our attendant, as she threat- ened to do. I, of course, followed with my paroled prisoners after her, as I had been instructed to keep an eye upon them all; but instead of following them into the ward, I went alone into the Doctor's office, to report my misdemeanors at head quarters. I found Dr. McFarland standing at his writing desk, alone in his office. I rushed up in front of him, and in a very enthusiastic, amusing manner, made a frank and full confession of what Mrs. Gassaway termed my "great improprieties ! " With his eyes upon me, the Doctor listened with the most profound attention to my confessions and plea for pardon, and as I finished by inquiring, "What shall I say to Miss Eagle in extenuation of Mrs. Gassaway's charges against me ; he replied, "Say nothing; I will see that you 80 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. are protected;" and as he made this remark, he stooped and bestowed a kiss upon my forehead. Although I regarded this as a mere impulsive act, dictated by no corrupt motives, yet as I afterwards told him, I con- sidered it an indiscreet act for a man in his position, "For," said I, "Dr. McFarland, men do not send their wives, nor fathers their daughters here, expecting that you will mani- fest your regard for them in this manner, and by doing so, you render yourself liable to just censure from the patrons of this Institution." The Doctor listened with silent attention to this reproof, and only remarked " It was only a kiss of charity 1" And here I will venture the remark, that had I been dis- charged at any time during these four months, I should doubtless have identified myself with that class of discharged prisoners who represent Dr. McFarland as no other than an honorable gentleman. And I am prepared to believe there are many whose experience would lead them to thus repre- sent him, for, from their standpoint, he had been only the gentlemanly Superintendent. The greatest fault I could see in the Doctor's conduct during this period, was his receiving so many who were not insane, and in retaining those who had recovered their sanity so long after they were able to be at home. I saw several such sink back into a state of hopeless imbecility from this cause alone. Hope too long deferred made them so sick of life that they yielded themselves up to desperation as a natural, inevitable result. It was a matter of great surprise to me to find so many in the Seventh ward, who, like myself, had never shown any insanity while there, and these were almost uniformly married women, who were put there either by strategy or by force. None of these un- fortunate sane prisoners had had any trial or any chance of self-defence. And I could not force myself to believe that so sensible a man as the Doctor, could really believe they were insane, without a shadow of evidence in their own con- duct. But sadly foolish and weak as it was, he professed to believe they were, on simple hearsay testimony, in defiance SUNNY SIDE OF MY PRISON LIFE. 81 of positive, tangible proof to the contrary. I once asked the Doctor how long he had to keep a person imprisoned, to determine whether they were insane or not. His reply was, " Sometimes six months, and sometimes a year!" Another fact I noticed, that he invariably kept these sane wives until they begged to be sent home. This led me to suspect that there was a secret understanding between the husband and the Doctor; that the subjection of the wife was the cure the husband was seeking to effect under the specious plea of insanity; and when they began to express a wish to go home, the Doctor would encourage these tyran- nical husbands that they were " improving." Time after time have I seen these defenceless women sent home only to be sent back again and again, for the sole purpose of making them the unresisting, willing slaves of their cruel husbands. I do not blame Dr. McFarland for the sins of these unnat- ural husbands, but I do blame him for letting the Institution be used by them as a place of punishment to married women, as a prison, where they could appeal to none for help or de- liverance, but to themselves. These husbands, like Mr. Packard, knew that no law could protect the wife from their despotic power, and they knew too, that the simple word of Dr. McFarland that they were insane, would legally entitle them to the use of this State's Prison as a calaboose, where their wives could be subjected to their husbands will. I think that Dr. McFarland, even while he treated these subject- ed women with decent, gentlemanly respect, was at the same time, inflicting upon them a most cruel wrong, in keeping them imprisoned, when he knew they were not insane. This is the only wrong I complain of from him, during those four months. He ought to have had the moral courage to say to Mr. Packard, " Your wife is not insane, and I see no reason why her personal liberty should be taken from her, therefore I shall discharge her upon my own responsibility, to take care of herself, unless you choose, to do so. I am sure she is capa- ble of assuming a ?elf reliant position, and therefore ought not to be imprisoned." But he dare not do right and justice D2 82 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. by me, or my associates, in this particular, but chose the cow- ardly course of compromising with this mean man ; and thus he trampled the highest, noblest, instincts of his manly na- ture in the dust. By thus oppressing the weak, instead of protecting them, he ruined himself—his manliness suffered strangulation under this process, as the sequel will demon- strate. But with this exception, no Superintendent could have treated a prisoner with more consideration than he did me. I was allowed to go into the parlor and visit with his wife or her guests, when I pleased. I was occasionally invited to eat at the Doctor's table. He instructed my attendants to let me go out whenever I pleased. He allowed my room to be furnished with the toilet comforts of any good boarding house. He allowed me to have a trunk in my room, and all the articles of my wardrobe that I needed. I was allowed my gold watch and gold spectacles, my three bladed pocket knife and scissors ; in fact, everything a hotel boarder could desire. He furnished me books and papers to read. I could read, knit and sew, ride or walk, when I pleased, and to add to the feeling of trust and confidence he reposed in me, he gave me the entire charge, of a carriage load of patients, and gave also, the reins of the horse into my hands, to ride as far as I pleased, and return when I pleased. This he did four- teen times, with no one to care for the horse or the patients, but myself. He gave me money to go to the city and trade for myself, and his wife has sent me to trade for her, and for the house. His wife has employed me for weeks in succession, to cut and make dresses for herself and daughters, and the matron em- ployed me to cut and plan -work for the house. 1 cut and made twelve comforts for the house, and tied them myself, in my room. I made pants and vests for the house. 1 cut twelve dresses, for the patients. Indeed, there was always something I could find to do, for the comfort of others, and my own amusement. I was allowed to visit with most of the guests of the house. In short, but for the grated windows SUNNY SIDE OF MY PRISON LIFE. 83 and bolted doors of prison life, I should hardly have known but I was a boarder, whose identity and capacities were rec- ognised, in common with other intelligent agents. My companions in the Seventh ward, were a very pleasant source of social enjoyment. Among them, I found some of the most original thinkers I ever saw ; and among this class, I found some of the best teachers I had ever had. Some of them were Spiritualists', and they taught me many new ideas, and set me on to a new track of exploration. They told me their visions, and trances and prophecies, many of which have been already fulfilled, in the events of the war. One lady had a prevision of the war, and was sent to the Asylum because she told of it! Another had a vision of the same, under dif- ferent imagery, and she had to lose her personal liberty for telling of it. Both of these prophetesses, Mrs. Neff and Mrs. Clarke, have lived to see the exact fulfillment of their visions, and like Jeremiah, they both had to be imprisoned for foretell- ing future events. And sad as is the. fact, these inspired women were compelled, even under the folds of the American flag, of religious toleration, to either be false to these true in- spirations, or "Hide their light under a bushel," in order to obtain their personal liberty. Both of them told me, they were obliged to stop talking about it, before any one would admit they were getting over their insanity. But they had to endure the horrors of a Lunatic Asylum for months, and even years, before they could be induced to love the defence of the truth, less than their personal liberty. But neither of these prophetesses ever did, to my knowledge, deny the truth of these visions, nor would they own it to be insanity. They merely yielded to be gagged, on condition that they could be liberated, by so doing. Such manifestations as these, are what the Asylum calls very insane cases, so they had to be subjected to very severe punishments, and tortures, to bring them into this condition. They both said to me clandestinely, the night before they left, " My views are not changed at all, in regard to these prophetic truths, yet I dare not own it aloud, lest Dr. McFar- 84 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. land hear of it, and I be thereby doomed to endless torment within these prison walls. If my attendants should know that I have uttered these views to you, they will report me to the Doctor, and he will order my friends to leave to-morrow without me, as he will tell them I am not fit to go, for my insanitv has returned. Therefore be entreated, Mrs. Packard, not to betray me by reporting this conversation, until I am safely away from this horrid Inquisition." Of course I did not report them to their tormentors, but I consider it to be my duty, to report this Inquisition to the American people, and thus appeal to their intelligence, to destroy these Inquisitions, which they are now blindly sus- taining, under the popular name of charitable, humanitarian institutions. If the truth were known, I believe that much that is called insanity at the present day, is only a higher development of Christianity than the perverted theology of the pulpit is. willing to recognise. It is my opinion, that much that is called insanity in these days of spiritual corrup- tion, will be looked upon by future ages, with a feeling similar to what we feel towards those who suffered as witches, in Salem, Massachusetts. That persecution went so far, that the government was obliged tc make a law, that all who ac- cused others of witchcraft, must themselves suffer the pun- ishment tlnsy had designed to secure to the witch. This law and its execution, put a speedy stop to these false accusations. Possibly, our government will be obliged to put a stop to these false accusations of insanity, in the same manner. If all those who falsely accused another of insanity, were com- pelled to be treated as insane themselves, I think the number of those brought before a jury, for trial on the charge of in- sanity, would be greatly lessened. MY TRANSITION. 85 XI. My Transition. During the sunny days of my prison life I was allowed to have the free and unrestricted use of my pen, with all the paper and stationery I wished. My right to my letters, journals and private papers, was as freely acceded to me as any other inalienable right of an American citizen. And Dr. McFarland even respected my post office right so much as not to read my letters to my husband, nor do I think he read his to me. This, I found, was an almost unexampled practical acknowledgment of this sacred right of an Amer- ican citizen, while under the locks and keys of one of its humanitarian institutions. Before I entered an Insane Asy- lum and learned its hidden life from the standpoint of a. patient, I had not supposed that the inmates were outlaws, in the sense that the law did not protect them in any of their inalienable rights. I had ignorantly supposed that their right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," was recognized and respected as human beings. But now I have learned it is not the case ; but on the contrary, the law and society have so regulated this principle, that the insane are permitted to be treated and regarded as having no rights that any one is bound to respect—no, not even so much as the slav.es are, for they have the rights of their masters' selfish interests to shield their own rights. But the rights of the insane are not'even shielded by the principle of selfishness. What does the keeper of this class care for the rights of the menials beneath him? Nothing. His salary is secured by law, whether there be few or many under the roof which shelters him. Unlike the slaveholder, he can torment and abuse unto death, and his interests are not impaired by this wreck of human faculties and human life. Indeed this wreck is oftentimes made a necessity to the Superintendent, to pre- vent the exposure of his criminal acts. And since there is no law to shield the insane person, he is, by law, subject to 86 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. an absolute despotism. Thus the despot is protected in his despotism, no matter how severe and rigorous he may become. Now since the object of government should be to protect the rights of its citizens, it seems to me that the insane have rights which the government ought to respect, acknowledge and protect. And one of these human rights is to write let- ters to whom and when he pleases, as this would serve to restrain, in some degree, the absolute despotism which rules supreme behind the curtain. So long as the Superintendent was upright, and acted according to his highest sense of right, he would not care what his patients said or wrote about him. But when selfishness and wicked policy controlled his actions, he would fear his wickedness would be exposed if the patients were allowed to write what they pleased. I think it is because the deeds of darkness and cruelty are so common, instead of the deeds of kindness, forbearance and justice, which render the Superintendents so harmonious in the opinion that it is best to deprive their patients of their post office rights, when they are deprived of their personal liberty. In my own experience I find this principle demonstrated, as the sequel will show. While I was treated with propriety, there were no stric-tures put upon my correspondence ; but as soon as he began to pass on to the plane of injustice, he became jealous at once of the use I made of this right. I do not think any letters I wrote during these sunny days, would have excited his jealousy if he did read them all; but there was one document. I wrote which did arouse all the evil influences of his nature into energetic action against me, and this was a written reproof I gave him. It may be a matter of surprise to my readers that I should deem it my duty to reprove one who was acting so centle- manly a part towards me. It was a surprise to myself, almost, that I should dare to risk myself in such an en- counter, knowing as I did, that all my favors, rights and privileges, were suspended entirely upon the will of the Superintendent, and therefore, entirely subject to his dicta- MY TRANSITION. 87 tion. But motives higher than those of self-interest actuated me, or I could not have done it. I know that I was a rare exception in the respectful treatment he was bestowing upon me ; no other prisoner had been so much favored before me, if the testimony of his employees could be relied upon, and my eligible position had become the great topic of discussion among the prisoners and employees. But by the omnipotent power of God's grace I was inspired with moral courage sufficient to espouse the cause of the op- pressed and the defenceless, even at the risk of becoming one of their number by so doing. I plainly saw and felt that on the part of their oppressors there was power, but that they had no comforter. I felt conscious that I held an influence anoy power over Dr. McFarland, and I deliberately deter- mined this influence should be felt in their behalf. And, like Queen Esther, I felt willing to cast in my lot with these despised captives, if necessary, to be their deliverer. I therefore depicted their wrongs, oppression and received cruelties, in the most expressive terms I could command, and on this statement of awful facts I based an appeal to his intelligence, his humanity, and his conscience, to become their protector and deliverer. I furthermore added, that unless he did treat them with more justice, I should expose his criminal conduct publicly, when I got out; but if he would repent of these sins against humanity, he would have nothing to fear, for we would all forgive the past if he would repent now, and do us justice in the future. This document cast the die for my future destiny. The transition time had fully come, when comfort, attention, respect, privilege, all, all, were in the dead past, and discom- fort, inattention, disrespect, contempt, wrong and deprivation are to mark the future of my prison life. It was for others' interests I plead—i': was of others' wrongs and woes I complained. It was for them and their sakes I deliberately laid down my position as the Asylum favorite, and became henceforth the Asylum prisoner. From this time, for two vears and eight months, I was not allowed to step my foot on 88 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. the ground, and I fully believe it was the Doctor's purpose to make a maniac of me, by the skillful use of the Asylum tortures. But, thank God ! the mouths of the Asylum Lions were kept shut, so that they could not hurt me, and like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, the Lord brought me out of this fiery furnace without the taint of insanity upon me. I did not fear to trust the Lord in the line of my duty—he did not forsake me in my captivity. Although henceforth I became one with my fellow captives in suffering, yet never for one moment have 1 regretted the step I then took in their de- fence, nor the transition it assigned me. XII. My Removal from the Best Ward to the Worst One Saturday evening, after chapel prayers, Dr. McFar- land took me by the arm and led me from the chapel into the Eighth ward, and as he left me behind the dead lock, said, " You may occupy this ward, Mrs. Packard." This was the first manifestation of the change in the Doctor's feelings towards me. As he left, I said to my attendant, "Miss Tenny, what does this mean?" " I don't know; all he said to me was, ' I wish you not to allow Mrs. Packard to leave the ward, and give her a dormi- tory bed.' " "I don't know what it means either" said I; "he has never reproved me for anything, neither have I broken any rules that I know of. I wonder if my reproof has not offended him?" " I presume it has ; I have heard there was quite a stir about it." 1 found it was generally known that I was preparing a document in defence of the prisoners' rights, and several had heard me read it; and although they insisted upon its truth REMOVAL TO THE WORST WARD. 89 in every particular, yet they all seemed to think I had no idea of the Doctor's power over us, or I should not dare to utter the truth so plainly to him. Some said, " AVe have often told him the same thing, but he takes no notice of it whatever, unless he gets mad about it, then he will send us to some bad ward to be punished for it." Others would say, "Mrs. Packard, you had better not give the Doctor that document, unless you wish to be sent to a dungeon, where you could never see daylight again." Another would say, "I will stand by you, Mrs. Packard, if you will give him that document, if he kills me for doing so; for it is the truth." Fearing some of these predictions might prove true, I took the precaution to take an exact copy of the document, and sewed it up in a cloth, and hid it between the glass and the board back of my mirror, where it remained, undisturbed and unknown, to any one occupant of the Asylum, except my- self, until I took it out myself, after I was liberated. I did this, thinking that if I should be killed there, it might some time be found, and tell the cause of my sudden or mysterious death; or if ever I should be liberated, it might be a vindica- tion of my sanity, and explain the reason for my being retained so long. Besides hiding this duplicate, I put every article of my wardrobe in perfect order, before going to chapel prayers that night, feeling a kind of presentiment' of coming evil. I also told my friends in this Seventh ward, that I hoped they would save my things from destruction, if they could not help me, in case of an encounter with the Doctor. As it proved, I went to the chapel as well prepared for the event as I could have been, had I known what was to happen. My attendant, Miss Eagle, of the Seventh ward, told me that the Doctor came directly to my room after he had dis- posed of me, and shut himself in there alone, a long time, while he searched my things all over to find every manuscript I had in my possession, which he took from me. Knowing that I had a duplicate of his reproof, he determined to find it and destroy it. But in +his attempted robbery he failed. 90 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. He then ordered Miss Eagle to send all mv things to the trunk room, and not allow me to take my bowl and pitcher and mirror, although they both were my own. lie ordered my new attendant, Miss Tenny, to treat me just as she did the maniacs, who were now my sole companions—to let me have nothing to amuse myself with, by way of sewing, read- ing, or writing. My associates in this ward occupied them- selves in screaming, fighting, running, hallooing, sitting on the floor when they sat at all in their own rooms, as chairs were not allowed in this ward. There was scarcely a patient in the whole ward who could answer a rational question in a rational manner. This ward was then considered the worst ward in the house, inasmuch as it then contained some of the most dangerous class of patients, even worse than the Fifth in this respect, and in respect to filth and pollution, it surpassed the Fifth at that time. It is not possible for me to conceive of a more fetid smell, than the atmosphere of this hall exhaled. An occupant of this hall, would inevitably become so completely saturated writh this most offensive effluvia, that the odor of the Eighth ward patients could be distinctly recognised at a great distance, even in the open air. I could, in a few mo- ments after the Doctor put me in among them, even taste this most fetid scent at the pit of my stomach. Even our food and drink was so contaminated with it, we could taste nothing else, sometimes. It at first seemed to me, I must soon become nothing less than a heap of putrefaction. But I have found out that I can live, move, breathe, and have a be- ing, where I once thought I could not. This awful scent was owing to neglect in the management of the Institution. This was not the visitor's ward. Seldom any, but the Asylum occupants, found their entrance into this sink of human pollution. The patients were never washed all over, although they were the lowest, filthiest clas3 of prisoners. They could not wait upon themselves any more than an infant, in many instances, and none took the trouble to wait upon them. The accumulation of this defilement, REMOVAL TO THE WORST WARD. 91 about their persons, their beds, their rooms, and the unfragrant puddles of water through which they would delight to wade and wallow in, rendered the exhalations in every part of the hall, almost intolerable. To endure this contamination, I felt certain my daily cold water bath must be continued ; but how could it be done, with only one tin wash basin for eighteen persons ? I found that we all could hardly find time to wash even our hands and face, before breakfast, in this single dish, much less could it be spared long enough for one to take a full bath. My attendant tried to get my bowl and pitcher from the Seventh ward, to accomodate me, but the Doctor forbid it. 1 asked him for it. He refused me. I then claimed the right to take a new chamber vessel, that, was brought into the ward for another purpose, and tied a scarlet string around the handle to distin- guish it, and kept it under my bed for my washbowl. By this means, I was able to continue my daily bath, although I found my feelings of delicacy revolted from the gaze of from four to six room-mates, who occupied the same dormitory with my- self. The Doctor expressly forbid my having a room by myself, but compelled me to sleep in this dormitory for one year. where, each night, my life was exposed, by the violent hands of these maniacs. I have been obliged to call up my attend- ant, some nights, to save being killed by them. Still, the Doctor would not let her give me a room by myself. I have sometimes thought, the Doctor put me there for the very pur- pose of getting me killed by these maniacs. I have been nearly killed several times, and I have appealed most earn- estly to Dr. McFarland to save my life, but he would simply turn speechless away from me ! I have also asked him to remove some of the most dangerous ones for my safety, and the only response would be, to bring in a more dangerous one. I made no complaints, never expostulated Avith him, nor spoke a disrespectful or reproachful word to him, in vindica- tion of my own rights. I never made any confession to him of wrong doing on my part, nor presented any plea for pardon 92 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. or forgiveness. Neither did he ever utter one word of expla nation to me, why he was pursuing this course of treatment towards me. Neither could any one about the building evei get him to give them any reason for this change towards me, except, " It is all for her good." But to the credit of my attendants, the two sisters, Misses Tenny, and Mrs. Waldo, the matron, I am happy to add, they did not feel bound to co-operate in all the Doctor's plans to abuse and torment me. Indeed, the oldest Miss Tenny, openly and boldly refused to treat me as she did the maniacs. In her own language I can vindicate her, for her conduct cor- responded with her words. One day, after sympathizing with me in my privations, she said, "Mrs. Packard, I shall not treat you as I do the other patients, notwithstanding the Doc- tor has ordered me to. I shall use my own judgment, and treat you as 1 think you deserve to be treated." And indeed, she did treat me like a sister. I do not now see how she could have done better by me than she did ; and to her kindness, and tender sympathy, do I owe much, under God, for being able to escape the many dangers and trials, Avhich enveloped me, and come out from among them, unharmed. The two Miss Tennys deserve much credit, also, for the reasonable and judicious treatment they bestowed upon the other patients in this ward. In fact, they were the first truly kind attendants I had then seen in the Asylum. They were the first I had found, who seemed to fear God, more than they did Dr. McFarland. Even the day following the Doctor's order to not let me leave the ward on any account, she took me to the trunk room herself, and asked me to select any articles from my wardrobe I wished, and let me take my sewing box, con- taining my knife, scissors, and spectacles, etc., and gave me a drawer in the dormitory table to keep them in, and put the key of it into my own pocket. This was a marked act of confidence on her part, for there were strict rules in this Avard, that no knife or scissors be allowed in the ward, even in the hands of the attendants. Mrs. Waldo, our matron, extended to me her practical MY OCCUPATION. 93 sympathy, by doing many things for my comfort, which the Doctor forbid. She allowed me to use a covered box with a cushioned seat upon it, as a substitute for my trunk, and she bought meametalic wash bowl after awhile, which I used for nearly two years, for myself alone pand by a little strategy, she and Miss Tenny secured my mirror for our dormitory, as there was no mirror of any kind, in the ward. But this dauntless act well nigh cost me my document, for we had hardly got it hung on to its nail, when one of the wild patients seemed to be seized with a furious spite against it, and rush- ing up to the table beneath it, took article after article upon the table, and threw against it with almost incredible rapid- ity ; but just before she had time to hurl the tumbler and pitcher against it, one of my room-mates seized the mirror from the nail, and rushed with it into another room, while the fragments of the tumbler and pitcher were flying in all direc- tions, and the table being upset Avith terrible violence. After this, I kept my mirror hid between my beds, except when I Avished to use it, or let others use it. But I occasionallv found some of the maniacs had taken it from its hiding place, and were using it as they pleased ; but by the most gentle and adroit coaxing, I got it back again, safely. I once recollect of getting one to give it to me in exchange for an apple. But this mirror, like myself, seemed destined to elude all attacks upon its destruction. The document within it, and the spirit Avithin me, seemed alike invulnerable. XIII. My Occupation. As my readers now find me located in my new position, they may, perhaps, like to know how I occupied myself. As it Avas in consequence of my defence of others' rights and privileges that I had lost my own, I noAv felt impelled by the came spirit, to make other's wants my care, rather than care 94 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. for myself, by neglecting them. Indeed, I have found that the exercise of this spirit, is, in reality, the best antidote I can find for an oppressed spirit. Paradoxical as it may seem, I^hink the best Avay to train ourselves to bear heavy burdens, is to bear the burdens of others. It now seems to me, that unless I had known Iioav to practically apply this principle, I murt have ineA'itably sunk under my burdens ; but the elas- ticity of spirit Avhich benevolent acts alone inspire, capaci- tates the spirit to rebound, Avhere it would otherwise be crushed by the pressure put upon it. And moreover, I sum- moned the Avill-poAver also to my rescue. 1 determined I Avould not be crushed, neither would I submit to see others crushed. In other language, I determined to be a living reprover of the evils I saw consummated in this Asylum. I did not intend to defend one line of conduct with my tongue and pen, and endorse a different line by my actions. I knew that preaching godliness had far less potency for good, than practical godliness. I had already preached my sermon ; now, all that I had to do, was to put its principles into practice. I had asked Dr. McFarland to ameliorate the condition of his patients ; I now determined to aid him in this good work, to the fullest extent of my ability. Therefore, for months and years from this date, I worked for this object almost ex- clusively. I found that the attendants were very negligent in their duties ; still, I did not feel disposed to blame or reprove them for these neglects. I felt that this duty fell on the Superintendent, and as I had already given him the reproof which Avas his due, I felt that I had no right to teach his attendants, only by the silent influence of example. In short, I tried to fill up on my part the defects I saw on theirs. I commenced this line of conduct on the Sabbath mornin<* succeeding my removal. As I have said, the patients were in an exceedingly filthy condition, and therefore their per- sonal cleanliness was plainly my first most obvious duty. This morning I commenced by coaxing as many of the pa- tients as I could, to allow me to wash their face, neck and MY OCCUPATION. 95 hands in a bowl of warm, clean, soft suds; and then I sham- pooed as many of their filthy "live" heads as I could find time to do before chapel service. When the Doctor visited the Avard that morning, I can not forget the look of surprise he cast upon the row of clean faces and combed hair he wit- nessed on the side seats of the hall. Simply this process alone so changed their personal appearance, that it is no wonder he had to gaze upon them to recognize them. Their rough, tangled, flying and streaming hair looked, when I began, as if a comb had never touched them. He simply bowed to me and said, " Good morning, Mrs. Packard !" and then seated himself upon one of these seats, and silently Avatched my movements.Avhile I pursued this my oavii chosen calling. Without even alluding to the losses he had sub- jected me to, I simply remarked, " Doctor, I find I can always find something to do for the benefit of others, and you have now assigned me quite a missionary field to cultivate!" " Yes," Avas his only response. He did not so much as ask me how I liked my new room, or my new associates! but after seeing me shampoo one or two of his patients, he arose and left the hall, speechless. The next day, Monday morning, I commenced the slow work of reconstruction and recuperation of the human faculties in sober earnest. I first obtained from my accom- modating attendant, a boAvl of Avarm saleratus Avatcr and a quantity of castile soap, a soft cloth and two towels, and a bowl of clear soft water. I then took one patient at a time into her room alone, and there gently stripped her and gave her a thorough sponge bath of this saleratus and Ava- ter and soap, and then rinsed them well off with the pure Avater. I then laid aside all her wet, filthy, saturated and offensive garments, and put clean ones on in their place. After combing her hair, I would introduce her into the Avard as a neat, clean, tidy lady, who Avas going to be an example in these virtues to all others ! being careful, hoAvever, to prove the truth of these compliments by tending upon her as I would mv cleanly dressed infant. By vigilance on my 96 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. part, her clothes might be kept" comparatively clean and dry for two or three days, before another change would be necessary. Having thus cleaned the occupant of a room, I then cleaned the room in the same manner, with the aid of a pail of strong saleratus and Avater and scrubbing brush, I would at length succeed in finding the coat of paint I was seeking for, which had to be done by dint of patient perseA'erance equal to that required to find the skin of its occupant. It is no exaggeration to say that I never before saw human beings whose skin Avas so deeply embedded beneath so many layers of dirt as those Avere. The part cleaned would contrast so strikingly with the part not cleaned, that it would be diffi- cult to believe they belonged to the same race, if on different individuals. But the scrubbing of the Avails and the floor is not the only portion of the room to be cleaned, by any means. It was no insignificant task to put the bedstead and the bed into a suitable condition for a human being to occupy. In many instances, the husk mattress I found completely rotted through with constantly repeated showers upon it, and this rot had in most instances become as black as soot, and re- tained an effluvia most difficult to tolerate. With the aid of the Misses Tenny I had all these rotten beds removed and emptied, and the ticks washed ; then I cut out the mouldied part, and supplied its place with new cloth, and had it filled again Avith fresh straw or husks, which completed this part of the business. The sheets and blankets then passed through the cleaning process ; but the white counterpanes which covered up these filthy nests did not need cleaning. They were kept Avhite and clean, by being folded up every night and laid upon the seats in the hall, and in the day time they were displayed upon the beds to advertise the neatness and comfort of the house and beds ! But if a sick patient should chance to lie down upon one of these advertisers of neatness, the Avhite spreads, she was liable to receive some' of the severest punishments of this inquisitorial prison, for this great offence against the "display of the house." MY OCCUPATION. 97 The cleaning of one patient and one room, together with the waiting upon those I had cleaned, took one day's labor. And this I continued, day after day, for about three weeks, before I got these eighteen patients and their rooms all cleaned ; and by this time the process needed to be repeated. This I continued to do for nearly one year, until others began to wake up to the necessity of doing likewise in other wards, as our ward Avas by this time reported to be the neatest and best kept ward in the Avhole house. And even the odor of it could not be surpassed in purity. This contagion for amelioration extended even to the Trustees, and as the result, at Dr. McFarland's suggestion, each ward was subsequently furnished with a nice bathing tub, Avhich the Trustees designed only for the comfort of the patients, as the Dostor urged the need now of the weekly bathing of all of the patients. But I am sorry to add, this great luxury, like the institution itself, has degenerated into the greatest torment to the patient. The bath room is re- garded by the prisoners there as the "calaboose " used to be by the slave at the South. The Doctor visited this Avard almost every day, but never to ameliorate my condition, or that of any other prisoner, so far as I could see. He Avould see the great drops of sweat rolling off from my face, from the excessive exercise this scrubbing and mopping afforded me, but I do not recollect that he ever advised me to desist. But Miss Tenny has told me that he had said to her, " You must not let Mrs. Packard work too hard, for I am afraid her husband won't like it." I do not think the Doctor cared for this ameliorated condition of his prisoners; but he dared not oppose it directly, since the filthiness of the Eighth Avard had become so proverbial, it became a source of apprehension lest these mephitic ex- halations might breed a pestilence in the Hospital. The typhoid fever had raged there during the summer months preceding this expurgating process. During this sickness, the Doctor had assigned to my care some of these typhoid patients, whom I nursed and tended night and day. I made E 98 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. the shroud of Mrs. Hart, from Chicago, who died of this epidemic there. Mrs. Hart had been a most unwilling prisoner for seven long vears, and from all I can learn, I believe she has been a victim of marital cruelty, but never was insane. Her hus- band put her in without trial, and the Doctor took her on his testimony, and kept her to please him, all the while knowing, as I believe, that she was not insane. This is only one of many of those innocent victims, who have been falsely im- prisoned for life, under that most barbarous law of Illinois, which suspends the personal liberty of married women, en- tirely upon the capricious will of the husband. I saw Mr. Hart, her husband, who came simply for appearances, as it seemed to me, to see her during her last sickness, but who became so very impatient for her death, that he could not stay to see her die, although it was almost certain she could not live two days longer, when he left. Thus, his wife, whom his will alone had deprived of her children, home, and liberty for seven years, could not have granted her dying request, that he stay by her to close her eyes, but left, and coolly ordered her body to be sent home to Chicago, by express, in a decent coffin, AA'hen she did die. I helped dress the corpse of the un- fortunate victim. I saw her passed into the hands of four stranger men in the dead of night, and carried mournerless, and alone, to the depot, to be sent to her children and hus- band, at Chicago. Oh ! what reckless sundering of human ties are caused by this Insane Asylum system ! These children are taught to regard their mother as a worthless being, because she had the cruel brand of insanity placed upon her by her husband, signed and sealed by a corrupt public servant, whom a blinded public were regarding as an almost infallible man. Thus have the holiest ties of nature, been most ruthlessly sundered bAT the perfidy of this corrupt Institution. As I Avitnessed the sum of all our social evils culminating in this most corrupt Institution, I resolved, that here, hence- forth, and forever, my occupation should be, to eradicate, HOW I GOT MY PAPERS. 99 expose, and destroy this sum of all human abominations— the Insane Asylum system, on its present basis. XIV. How I Obtained my Papers. Before entering upon my Prison scenes, as delineated in my journal, it may gratify my readers to know how I obtained. my Asylum papers, containing portions of my journal, and my bible class papers, to which I have already referred, although by so doing, I must go back a little in my narrative. The greatest part of my Asylum journal I secured, by hiding it behind a false lining in my band box. One day I found a piece of Avail paper, and I clandestinely sewed this into my band box for a lining, behind which and around the box I hid my papers. Some of them I hid between the black cloth and the board on the bottom of my satchel. I cut open the edge and scaled it off with a case knife, and after filling the pocket thus made, I sewed it up, where they were kept undiscovered. Some I hid between the millinet crown and the outside covering of my traveling bonnet. I encircled this crown with so many thicknesses of paper, that it sometimes caused the exclamation, " How heavy this bon- net is !" I never told, until I got out of the Asylum, in what the weight consisted. These bible class papers I regarded as my only available means of self-defence from the charge of insanity, therefore I clung to them Avith great tenacity. I intended to make them the basis of my plea in self-defence before the jury which Mr. Comstock had told me I must have before com- mitment. But if this trial should be evaded in any way, I intended to retain them, as my only armor of defence. During the three weeks that Mr. Packard left my room, I kept them hid under the head of my bed; but the Saturday 100 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. previous to my abduction, I concluded to keep them hence- forth about my person, I therefore made arrangements to put a pocket into my under skirt ; but before I had completed it I was called off to attend to other duties. But Sabbath night, when I espied Mr. Packard so carefully and clandes- tinely searching into all my private apartments, I felt alarmed for the safety of my papers, thinking they might possibly be the object of his search. Therefore, until my pocket was completed, I put them into a small box, and hid them in the Avardrobe of my own room, and Monday morning, when I. W. got up, I called him to my room, to tell him where I had hid them, that he might, if necessary, save them for me. Said I, " My son, these papers may be your moth- er's only means of self-defence, and unless we can evade Mr. Packard's search, he will deprive your mother of this last and only means of vindicating her sanity. Now, my son, if I am ever kidnapped and you cannot defend me, be sure that you protect these papers, for they are next to defending me, so far as my reputation for sanity is concerned. I intend to-day to finish my pocket and carry them about my person." " I will certainly regard your request, and protect your papers." Saying this, he kissed me and left, assuring me he should soon be back and take me to ride to Mr. Rumsey's. But before he returned, my kidnappers came and claimed my person, but allowed me no chance to take my papers with me. It seems Mr. Packard feared I should take them, there- fore to prevent my having any opportunity to do so, he ordered Miss Rumsey not to leave me alone in my room one minute after the physicians left it. Notwithstanding I had only half bathed myself when he forced an entrance into my room with an ax through the window, I was compelled to flee into my bed, to prevent my introduction to my guests in a state of nudity, he would not allow me to be alone long enough to complete my ablution. I not only asked this privilege, but I reasoned with him on the impropriety of compelling me to appear in this condition before Miss Rum- sey. But all to no purpose. My reasons and requests were HOW I GOT MV PAPERS. 101 all answered by his saying, " I don't think it is best for you to take your bath alone. I think it is best for Miss Rumsey to be in your room." I felt conscious that his real reason was to prevent my getting my papers; and I dared not make the attempt to get them, feeling certain she would either force them from me, or report me to Mr. Packard for him to do it, and then they Avould be discovered, so that I. W. could never get them. But unwilling to go Avithout them, I decided upon the use of a little strategy to obtain them. I concluded to make a practical prayer for the preservation of my sane reputation, by obtaining the privilege of secret prayer in>my room before I Avas taken a.Avay, and thus get them. Therefore I requested to be left alone, for a short season, for my morning devotion, adding, "You know, Mr. Packard, it is my invariable prac- tice to pray alone in' my room before entering upon the duties of the day, and I can not be denied this privilege to-day when I am in so much need of God's help for the trials of to-day." But no, this favor could not be allowed me, and the only reason he gave for refusing my request was, " I do not think it is best." My next appeal was to Sheriff Burgess, but he only echoed Mr. Packard's denial in his OAvn words, "We do not think it is best for you to be alone in your room." Mr. Packard then said, "You may pray in your room, but your door must be open." Of course this defeated the practical prayer I intended to have offered in secret, and I was obliged to leave without my papers. And Avhen on board the cars, the reflection that I had not even one line Avith me in vindication of my sanity, greatly increased the mental burdens laid upon me. My son I. W., true to his promise to protect m}r papers, if he could not protect me, hastened to my room to get the box, but lo, it Avas gone ! and never Avas he allowed to knoAV who took them, nor Avhere they Avere hidden. Among these pa- pers was my will and a note of $600, which Mr. Packard 102 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. had given me for that amount of my patrimony money which my father had sent me a few years before. This note I have never seen, nor have I ever had one cent of the money it secured to me. Mr. Packard's pile of stolen papers was increased by sev- eral additions Dr. McFarland made to it by robbing me of my private papers while in my prison, and sending them to Mr. Packard. After my liberation from prison, I tried va- rious methods to obtain them, but all in vain, until I made him the following proposal: Mr. Packard had for some time been trying to induce me to sign a deed, so that he could sell some real estate, and I had objected, unless he should give me some equivalent for what he had already unjustly taken from me. This he would not do. He therefore Avent to Esquire La Brie, and took an oath that his wife Avas insane, so that he could sell the property without my signature. Finding my refusal was not going to save mv right of dower, or prevent his selling the property, I proposed to him that I would sign the deed on condition that he Avould restore to me my papers. He accordingly called in Esquire La Brie to witness my signature, and in his presence he gave me my papers, as I had proposed. This signature was acknoAvledged as valid, although two days before Mr. Packard had taken an oath on the Bible, that I was insane, and thereby incom- petent to sign a deed ! By means of this perjury on his part, my papers were restored to me. XV. Evidences of My Insanity. When a person is once accused of being insane, the re- flective mind naturally inquires, how is their insanity mani- fested? This question was often put to Mr. Packard, and knowing all would not be satisfied by his simple assertion, he was obliged to manufacture his proof or evidence to satisfy this class. EVIDENCES OF MY INSANITY. 103 One evidence on which he placed great reliance was, "that his wife invited Universalist ministers to his house for enter- tainment during a'Convention." Yes, I do plead guilty to this charge. I did offer the hospitalities of our house to ministers of this class under these circumstances : It was at Mount Pleasant, Iowa, that this Convention met and dedicated a new church, located a few rods from our house. To my great surprise Mr. Packard proposed to attend this dedication, which he did, and I accompanied him, and listened to a sermon of high literary merit, and to me, a morally sound and logical argument was for the first time presented to my mind, that God's infinite love and wisdom were sure guarantees of the world's redemption. The argument was this—"Where there is both will and power to cure, no evil can endure." The church was crowded to overflowing, and the Conven- tion being larger in numbers than their own people could conveniently accommodate, the Chairman of the Committee of Arrangements presented this fact to the congregation, and very kindly solicited their neighbors and friends, who could do so, to take them into their families, and all such were asked to leave their names at the stand as they passed out. Since but a short time previous, the Congregationalist society had so large an Association they had been obliged to solicit the hospitalities of other denominations, and as I had called upon our Universalist neighbors to accommodate us, I instinctively felt that it was only paying a debt of honor and justice to offer noAv to accommodate their ministers. Therefore, as I passed doAvn the aisle by-my husband's side, I Avhispered to him that I could accommodate two. " Shall I give in our names for two?" said I. He paid no attention to me or my inquiry, but passed on by the stand Avithout speaking to any one. Seeing it devolved upon me to make the offer, if made at all, I stepped up and gave in my name for two and passed on and overtook Mr. Packard a few steps from the door, and taking his arm said, "I have offered to take two, and I must now hasten home and prepare for 104 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. them." He made no reply Avhatever, but his silence said, " I don't approAre of it." Therefore I reasoned in defence of the act as an act of justice, etc.; and besides as all the labor of serving the tables, as well as the services of the maid of all work deArolved upon me, I felt that if I Avas will- ing to do all this extra work, no one could reasonably object, as I thought. But fortunately for me, I had hardly com- menced my preparations when the Chairman called and informed me that their friends were all provided for, so that my service was not needed ; and after kindly thanking me lor my hospitable offer he left me, Avith the feeling on my part of having done my duty, and here the subject Avas dropped. But years after, to my surprise and horror, he brought this act up as eAridence of my insanity ! and his argument against me was, that if they had come, he might, in courtesy, have been obliged to have asked a Universalist minister to ask a blessing at his table, or even to lead in family prayers ! and, only think I this too, in the presence of his children! Another evidence of insanity he alleged against me, was that I gave a dollar towards building a Catholic church in Manteno. I plead guilty to this charge also. We had a very kind christian neighbor in Mr. La Brie, avIio was a Catholic from principle, in the same sense that Mr. Packard Avas Presbyterian from principle; that is, both had been educated to feel that their own Avas the true church, and therefore both were conscientious in sustaining them. Mr. Packard was trying to build up Presbytcrianism by his efforts, and he, of course, expected tobe paid for doing this work; but the society was neAv and feeble, and therefore in their struggles to raise his salary, the collector, Deacon Smith, called on Mr. La Brie to help them, and he Avith true chris- tian charity, contributed yearly to Mr. Packard's support. One evening I called on Mr. La Brie, to ask his opinion respecting my article on " Spiritual Gifts," which our bible class had refused to hear, and he very patiently listened and commented upon it. He expressed his opinion that it Avas a sound, logical, and invincible argument in favor of what the EVIDENCES UP MY INSANITY. 105 Catholics had always considered the true view. This asser- tion very much surprised me, as I had always been taught to believe that the Catholics were a deluded people, believing nothing but absurdities ; but now, when I found out that I had alone studied out a vieAV of truth Avhich they had always endorsed, and one to which our church would not so much as listen, lest it might be found to be heretical, I began to ask Avhere religious toleration is to be found, in the Presbyterian or the Catholic church ? I had here found the christian spirit of charity and religious toleration manifested to, a far higher degree in Mr. La Brie, the Catholic, than in Deacon Smith, the Presbyterian. I therefore came to the conclusion that there were not only truths in the Catholic church,' but also good christians in it. As the scales of bigotry thus fell from my own eyes, I could see that the Catholics were just as conscientious in sustaining their church, as we were in sustaining ours ; and finding what struggles they were making to pay their debts, I felt moved to manifest my new feeling of toleration, by giving him one dollar towards helping them liquidate their debt. And noAV for this act of toleration, I am called insane; for Mr. Packard argues that I should not thus be building up this "mother of all abominations," this "seat of bigotry and intolerance," unless I had lost my reason. The reason which remains in exercise in my organization teaches me that there are truths in all denominations and parties, and there are errors in all, and our reason is only normally exercised, in my opinion, when Ave use it in separating the good and true, from the evil and false. Again, he says 1 call him the " son of perdition." I shall not plead guilty to this charge, for it is not strictly true. 1 have oftentimes tried to convince Mr. Packard that he was not a " totally depraved " man. But all in vain. He seems stranjrelv determined to cling to this crowning virtue of his christian character, with a death-like grapple ! It seems that all his hopes of heaven are built upon this foundation stone ! In his creed, there can be no real virtue without it. So tena- E2 106 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. ciously does he cling to this position as the only redeeming trait of his character, that I have sometimes been tempted to sav, " Well, Mr. Packard, I do not knoAV but what you are Avhat you claim to be, a totally depraved man, or the 'son of perdition,' for Avhbm there is not found a ransom." When I come to admit his OAvn position, and express an agreement of opinion Avith him, on this point, then he uses this conces- sion as a Aveapon against me, as though I had accused him of being the " son of perdition." Again, heticcuses me of punishing the children for obeying their father. This is not true. I never did punish a child for obeving their father, but I have sometimes been compelled to enforce obedience to their father's authority, by interposing my oavii. Indeed, I think my children could never have reverenced their father's authority, Avithout the maternal influence to inspire it, by requiring subjection to it ; for the fitful, unstable, and arbitrary government he exercised over them, Avas only fitted, naturally, to inspire contempt, rather than reverence. But Mr. Packard has tried to undermine my authority, by telling the children they need not obey their mother, and I have been obliged to counteract this influence, by enforcing obedience, sometimes, where he has interposed and forbid their obeying me. This is what he calls punishing the children, for obeying their father, whereas, it is only requiring them to obey their mother. Another evidence, and one which his sister, Mrs. Dole, presented to the jury on my trial, was that I once made biscuit for dinner, Avhen I had unexpected company call, and had not bread enough for the table. The reason Avhy this was mentioned, was because the counsel insisted on evidence being produced from my OAvn actions, independent of opinions that I was insane, and she having been more intimate in our family than any other person, was compelled, under oath, to state Avhat she saw. Being unwilling to own she had seen nothing insane in my conduct, and being bound to speak only the truth, she told this circumstance as the greatest aet of insanity she had noticed. ABUSIVE ATTENDANT. 107 But I trust my readers will be satisfied with this array of evidence which my persecutors bought against me, if I only add the sum total of proof as brought by Dr. Brown, an M. D. of Kankakee City, whom Mr. Packard bought to say I was insane, for the purpose of getting me incarcerated again for life in Northampton, Mass. This Doctor had left the wheel- wright business and studied just long enough to experience the sophomorical feeling that his opinion would be entitled to infallibility, especially if given in the high-flown language of an expert; therefore, the last of fifteen reasons why he considered me insane, was in these words, as taken down by the reporter at the time, viz: " The fifteenth reason which I have written down, on which I have founded my opinion that she is insane is, her viewing the subject of religion from the osteric standpoint of christian exegetical analysis, and agglutinating the polsymthetical ectoblasts of homogeneous asceticism 1" XVI. The Attendant who Abused Me. Mrs. De La Hay, wife of Dr. De La Hay, of Jacksonville, was the only one of all the employees at the Asylum whom the Doctor could influence to treat me personally like an insane person. She has threatened me with the sci een room, and this threat has been accompanied with the flourish of a butcher knife over my head, for simply passing a piece of Johnny cake through a crack under my door, to a hungry patient who was locked in her room to suffer starvation, as her discipline for her insanity. Besides threatening me with the screen room, she threatened to jacket me for speaking at the table. .,, One day, after she had been treating her patients with great injustice and cruelty, I addressed Mrs. McKonkey, who fat nex to me at the table, and in an undertone remarked, 108 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. '•I am thankful there is a recording angel present, noting what is going on in these wards," when Mrs. De La Hay, overhearing my remark, exclaimed, in a very angry tone, '•Mrs. Packard, stop your voice ! if you speak another word at the table I shall put a straight jacket on you 1 " Mrs. Lovel, one of the prisoners replied, " Mrs. De La Hay, did you ever have a straight-jacket on yourself?" "No, my position protects me ! but 1 Avould as soon put one on Mrs. Packard as any other patient, 'recording angel' or no 'recording angel!' and Dr. McFarland will protect me in doing so, too." On another occasion, hearing the sound of conflict in our ward. I opened my door, and saw Mrs. De La Hay seize Miss Mary Rollins, a prisoner, by her throat, and Mary pulled the hair of Mrs. De La Hay Avith as firm a grip, as she held on to her victim's throat. I, fearing the result, rallied help and parted them, when I found poor Mary's throat bleeding from an opening Mrs. De La Hay had made in it with her finger nails. I took a piece of my oavu linen, and bound U up, wet in cold Avater ; and this cloth I still retain, red with the blood of this innocent girl, as proof of this kind of abuse in Jack- sonville Insane Asylum. It was mv defence of the prisoners from Mrs. De La Hay's unreasonable abuse which led her to treat me as she did. It was not long after this defence of Mary Rollins, that I heard loud screams and groans issuing from a dormitory, when I and my associates rushed into the room to see what Avas the matter. There Ave found one of the prisoners lying upon her back, Avith Mrs. De La Hay over her, trying to put on a straight-jacket. This lady Avas screaming from physical atrony, on account of an injury Mrs. De La Hay had inflicted upon her a few days before, when she burst a blood vessel on her lungs, by strangling her under the water. This plunging ehe had inflicted as her punishment for not obeying her when she told her to stop talking. And now this Avounded spot on her lungs had become so inflamed, that the pressure of Mr0. De La Hay's hands upon it, together with tho stricture ABUSIVE ATTENDANT. 109 of the straight-jacket, caused her to scream from agony. I inquired, " What is the matter ? Why are you putting the straight-jacket on that woman?" Without ansAvering my question, she exclaimed in a loud voice, " Mrs. Packard, leave this room !" I backed out over the threshold, still looking towards her victim, and repeated my question, " Why are you putting her into the straight- jacket ? What has she done?" This time, she left her victim, and came at me in a great rage, and seizing my arm, she said " Go to your room." As she was leading me unresistingly along, one of the prisoners took hold of her arm, and ex- claimed, " Mrs. DeLallay, do you knoAV what you are about? Do you know that is Mrs. Packard you are locking up?" " Yes, I do, and I am obeying Dr. McFarland in what I am doing. He tells me not to let Mrs. Packard interfere with the management of the patients." She led me to my room, where I was locked up until the next morning. While there, I heard the Doctor's' footsteps in the hall, and I heard Mrs. DeLaHay tell him why she had locked me up, and he sanctioned the act by leaving me locked up, without coming to my room at all. The next day I ascertained, that -he was disciplining this dormitory prisoner with the straight-jacket, because she had found her upon her bed, trying to rest herself from the pains this rupture on her lungs was causing her. So far as Mrs. DeLaHay's treatment of me was concerned, I do not consider her so much to blame, as Dr. McFarland Avas. Unlike my other attendants, she Avas too Aveak to resist the Doctor's influence over her, and therefore carried out his wishes, Avhile the others Avould not. Had my other attend- ants carried out his Avishes, my Asylum discipline Avould have been as severe as the other prisoners' Avere. It was a very noticeable fact, that the very means Mrs. DeLallay used to secure and retain the Doctor's faAror, by abusing me, was the A'ery excuse the Doctor made for dis- charging her ; and the boast that her position protected her from the straight-jacket, did not prove a very defensive armor, 1.10 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. for in a few months from the time she uttered it, she became insane and a tenant of Jacksonville Poor House! XVII. "let Dr. McFarland Bear his own Sins!" One day while in my room, I heard an uncommon noise in our ward, when, on suddenly opening my door, I saAV nearly opposite, Dr. McFarland just as he had released his grasp of Bridget's throat, avIio had been struggling for her life, to avoid strangulation from his grasp. I did not see the Doc- tor's hand upon her throat, but I did see what she said was the marks of his thumb on one side of her throat, and of his fingers upon the other, and Bridget had a sore neck for some days afterwards, in consequence of it. Bridget, the prisoner's account of the matter is this; the Doctor entered the Avard just after a prisoner had broken a chair, and the pieces were still lying upon the floor. Bridget stood by while Mrs. DeLaHay explained the case to the Doctor, simply as a lis- tener. She had had nothing to do with breaking the chair. Mrs. DeLaHay also stood by, waiting the Doctor's orders. The Doctor turned to Bridget and said, " Pick up those pieces !" " I shan't do it! I didn't come here to work ! It is your attendants' business to do the work. He then, Avithout saying a Avord, seized me by the throat, and the noise you heard was my struggle for deliverance." " Why, Bridget !" said I, " How dare you speak so to the Doctor, and whv didn't you obey him?" "I Avouldn't have done it if he had killed me ! I didn't come here to do his Avork, and I Avont do it !" This was Bridget's account, and it Avas confirmed, not only by all the Avitnessing patients, but also by Mrs. DeLaHay herself. Bridget Avas a quiet, inoffensive prisoner. I never saw her evince anything but reasonable conduct, when she was reasonably dealt by, and she was one of my dormitory ATTEMPTED RECONCILIATION. Ill companions for many months. She was always obedient to reasonable commands, but like human beings generally, she felt that she had rights of her own, which ought to be re- spected. Bridget has immortalized herself in my memory, by the lesson in theology she taught me the first night I occupied the tt>om with her It was under these circumstances. As was my uniform practice, I kneeled in front of my bed that night, before 1 got into it, to offer my silent prayer for protection and help, when Bridget, from the opposite bed, exclaimed, " Pray aloud !" 1 obeyed. This being the first night of my consignment to this loath- some place, I had to struggle mentally, against the indulgence of revengeful feelings toAvards the Doctor, for the injustice of the act; therefore, to crush them out, 1 tried to pray for his forgiveness, and in doing so I made use of the expression, "Lord, I am willing to even bear his punishment for him, if; by this means he can be forgiven for this act of injustice towards me." Just at this point, Bridget interrupted me by exclaiming with great vehemence, " Let Dr. McFarland bear his OAvn sins." I am now of Bridget's mind entirely. Her sermon con- verted me from the theological error of vicarious suffering. I have never since asked my Father to let me bear the pun- ishment of any other brother or sister, due them for their own sins ; neither have I asked any other intelligence to bear the punishment due me for my OAvn sins. XVIII. Attempted Reconciliation with Mr. Packard. The last letter I wrote Mr. Packard, I told him plainly on Avhat conditions I Avould return to him. But it seems Dr. McFarland Avas not Avilling we should be reconciled on such a basis, for he would not send the letter, although Mr- Packard was calling most persistently for letters from me. But he 112 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. called in vain, as I said in this letter, I should never answer any more of his letters, nor write him again until this letter Avas ansAvered. He begged of the Superintendent to get me to write, and he Avould show me these letters, when 1 Avould tell him, " When I get a reply to my last letter I will write, but not before, and if you, Doctor, ever wish me to write him again, send, that letter, first." But like the deaf adder, h% heard as though he heard not, and the ever repeated question Avould come, uwhy don't you Avrite to Mr. Packard?" 1 finally told him " If you cannot understand my reason, and will not report it to Mr. Packard, he must ever remain in ignorance of the reason I do not write him." But it seems he never communicated these messages, nor would he send the letter, but simply told him, "I cannot per- suade her to Avrite you." Finally^ Dr. Sturtevant informed me, that Mr. Packard had Avished him to try to persuade me to Avrite him, and he asked me Avhy 1 could not grant his request. I told him I had Avritten, and the Doctor had the letter but he would not send it, and just as soon as that letter was satisfactorily answered, I Avould open a free correspond- ence with him. Whether the Doctor allowed him to report my only true reason I know not, but after that, the Doctor told me he ha^l burned my letter, because he considered it " worthless." I know not Avhether this Avas the letter he thus disposed of, or some of my many others I had given him to send to other friends. This fact I do know, that so long as my letters Avere sent through this post-office, my friends never received them, Avith one or tAvo exceptions. My journal con- tains copies of all these letters, Avhich I have shoAvn to those family friends to Avhom they Avere Avritten, and they tell me they never received them. Now here is a branch of the United States mail established Avithin this public Institution, and the mail carrier transports it regularly, protected by lock and key, and yet I could not get a letter into it, nor get one from it, although directed directly to me. Indeed, I felt most keenly the truth of the remark the mail carrier made me, when I once met him and ATTEMPTED RECONCILIATION. 113 enquired if he had any letters for me. Said he, "Mrs. Pack- ard, you have just as good a right to your mail as any other citizen of the United States." Why then is not this right granted me? Because one man chooses to say, " I will super- intend this inalienable right, and usurp it when I please, and no one can harm me in so doing." I ask this Republican Government, is this protecting the post office rights of all its citizens? Who has a right to say, while I am not a criminal, "You shall be restricted in this right. You shall have this right usurped and ignored to any extent, as a punishment for being numbered among the most afflicted class of American citizens!" These terrible despotisms would be a far less dangerous institution, were the boarders allowed their post office rights. If this right had not been usurped, in my case, it might have saved one family from the wreck of disunion. But Dr. McFarland Avould not allow a reasonable basis of reconciliation to be even presented for his consideration. Why was this ? Was he unAvilling there should be a reconciliation ? Why should he Avish to stand betAveen me and my husband ? These questions 1 leave my readers to answer. Pie talked as though he Avished I Avould go to my husband, but he acted as though he had determined to make an impassable gulf between us. Well, if my husband Avill voluntarily resign his right to be the protector of his OAvn Avife, exclusively into the hands of a stranger man, can he blame this man for misusing this irre- sponsible trust? This voluntary resignation of the marital right into the absolute, irresponsible control of another, is an unnatural act, and therefore must be deleterious in its con- sequences. Dr. McFarland had become an adept in this nefarious Avork, and therefore he found ways and means of disbanding this happy minister's family, forever. Although Mr. Packard is not responsible for Dr. McFarland's sins, yet, like the drunkard, he is responsible for alloAving this exposure to exist. Ho should haATe exercised some sort of supervision over his OAvn Avife's destiny, so far, at least, as to retain his own rights unmolested. So should the State exercise such a 114 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE, supervision over their own Institution, as not to allow their OAvn State rights to be trampled under foot by it, as it tioav does, in suffering the deurest of all human rights to be utterly ignored by it. The following are the terms I tried to send to my husband as the basis of a just union—the only kind of union that would eATer receive my sanction again. " 1st. Mr. Packard must make the confession as public as he has made the offence, that his wife has never given him any cause for regarding, or treating her as an insane person. 2nd. He must alloAV me the unmolested exercise of my own rights of opinion, and conscience, and post office rights. 3rd. He must allow me to hold my own property in my own name, and subject to my own control. 4th. He must allow me to control my own children Avith a mother's authority, so far as the mother's province extends. 5th. He must alloAV me to be the head of my OAvn house- hold duties, and the mistress of my own hired girl. 6th. The attempted usurpation of either of these inaliena- ble rights of a married woman, shall be considered as a dissolution of the Union." I know such stipulations serve rather to ignore a hus- band's protection, as indeed they do ; but where neither love nor reason will hold a man to be the protector of these, his wife's rights, what can the wife of such a man do, Avithout some such stipulation, or laAvs, by which her identity, as a woman, can be maintained? The first is only virtually ac- knowledging my identity or accountability; that is, I am not a chattel, or an insane person, but a being, after I am mar- ried, as well as before; and unless a man can hold me upon a higher plane than the principle of common law places mc upon, I am not willing to enter the marriage union. The law says I am a non-existent being after marriage, but God says I am an existent and accountable one still ; therefore I claim the recognition of this higher law principle, or I com- promise with this injustice by this act of disloyalty tomvself. The comclusion of my last letter to Mr. Packard, dated ATTEMPTED RECONCILIATION. H5 April 28, 1861, ends thus : "And ere we finally part, allow me to call to your recollection that most important period of your life, when, at the altar of your God, in the presence of your fellow witnesses, you solemnly vowed to love your wife, to comfort her, to honor her, and keep her in sickness and in health, for better and for worse, in poverty and riches, and forsaking all others, to keep thou only unto her, so long as both should live. Let me ask you, have you kept this solemn voav? Your lost Elizabeth." About this time I had a letter from Mr. Packard, wherein he lays his plans before me, and asks my advice ! His plans were to break up the family and put out the children, and asks me to whom he shall give my babe, and to whom he shall give my daughter to bring up, and such like questions ! But not a single intimation is expressed that the mother would ever be allowed the right to rear her own offsprin°a No, not even a wish was expressed that he hoped I might ever be able or capable of doing so; yet he could ask the counsel and advice of this non compos on these most impor- tant matters of vital interest ! ! He then portrays the present condition of my family in facts like these. He says, Elizabeth has had a fall and hurt her side, so that it pains her most of the time, and yet does all the work for the family, except when her aunt Dole comes and helps a day occasionally." Poor child ! how her mother longs to embrace her, and sympathize Avith her as she used to in my sorrows. How can a father put upon this child of eleven years, the cares of a Avoman—the care of a babe, in addition to the care of a family, while she needs to attend school! 0 hoAv much inconvenience some men will willingly endure, to crush a married woman into that position of non- entity, which the common law of marriage assigns her. I. W. too is feeling almost discouraged. He is so gentle in his disposition, he can not live Avithout his mother's sympa thy. 0, my darling boy, be patient. God's time to help us is not yet come. I know it is hard for thy tender heart to wait so long. I can hardly bear it myself. Patient waiting 116 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. is the hardest virtue for me to exercise. I had much rather work and toil than wait. But I will surmount all obstacles. and conquer all my impulsive feelings, by schooling them into entire submission to all God's appointments. If we could see all Gods plans as God sees them, we should be satisfied. While these reflections were passing through my mind, Dr. McFarland called at my room and remarked, " Well, Mrs. Packard, what of the Manteno letter ?" I replied, " the family are all going to.destruction ; and his plan is to present such a vieAV to my mind, as will induce me, for my children's sake, to plead to go home. He is trying to make me say " 0, hus- band do take me home! if you only will, I will think, speak and act just as you please to have me, and will never ven- ture to think for myself again !' But his plan fails entirely." I shall never give him a chance to put me off a second time. Then came his usual inquiry, " Have you a letter to send ?" I then told him, " Sir, do you think I shall submit to be thus trifled with? you know you will not send the letter I want you to send." XIX. Letter to my Children sent to the Wash-tub. Among my Asylum papers I find a copy of a letter I wrote my children on some cotton underwaists. which I tried to send by Miss Wilson, of Kankakee city. As all communi- cation Avith my children was cut off by the authority of Dr. McFarland, I was led to resort to strategy to secure this end. Therefore I procured some nicely dressed bleached cotton, and embroidered my daughter some double underwaists, on which I could easily and legibly pencil a long communication, such as my feelings prompted, hoping thus to bring myself to their recollection, so that I might not become an object of indiffer- ence to them. The Doctor knew that I was makiii"- these waists for her, and it seems he suspected the plan which LETTER TO MY CHILDREN. 117 might thus open some kind of communication between us, therefore as Miss Wilson was leaving, as a discharged patient, for her home in Kankakee, he, knowing that my Manteno home Avas only twelve miles from there, took her aside and asked her if she had any letter from me with her. She re- plied that she had no letter. " Have you anything from Mrs. Packard to her children ?" " Yes, I have some waists for her daughter, which I promised to take to her." " Let me see them," responded the Doctor. She then took them from her bosom, where she had placed them for concealment, and handed them to the Doctor. He unfolded them and saw the penciling on the inside, and after reading it, ordered them to the laundry to be washed and ironed before they could be sent! thus thinking he had swept the letter into oblivion. But his sagacity was outwitted by his prisoner this time, for if the exultant Doctor felt that all traces of my intelligence and sanity had been obliterated by the destruction of my letters, he will now see he was mis- taken, when he sees this printed copy was preserved to be my passport to the world, of the state of his prisoner's mind while behind his dead-locks, and numbered among his " hopelessly insane maniacs." Insane Asylum, June 20, 1861. My Beloved Children : So long as we are sure we have conscience and God on our side Ave have nothing to fear, although Ave are maligned by those avIio deny that conscience is designed as our guide. Let those who dare to disregard "this silent monitor do so; but you, my children, will Avith me, dare to "serve the Lord," Avon't you? For it is only fidelity to its dictates which the Lord requires as his service. You are in danger of losing your souls by contact with those avIio encourage you to set aside conscience as your guide to heav- enly happiness. In this net of false doctrines, Satan is ensnaring guileless souls, and leading them unawares into captivity to himself. Do, children, be warned, and escape this snare before it is too late. But, children, since Ave can not secure the safety of any 118 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LLFE. soul in opposition to their freedom, I rejoice that God does not hold us absolutely responsible for any soul but our own. To save ourselves depends upon oursehres ; and he who is fully determined to " work out his OAvn salvation with fear and trembling," is the only one who will experience this sal- vation. Children, do right in everything, whether you are praised or blamed, and you will certainly secure a crown of righteousness, and so long as you continue to de* right, no one can take it from you. But one sin, one wrong act, may for- feit it forever ; as only a small stream may drown one if he lies prostrate in it. 0, beware of little sins, little deviations from rectitude, truth, honesty, uprightness, from kindness, from forbearance, from patience, from forgiveness, from char- ity. Encourage the very incipient beginnings of repentance on the part of offenders, by showing that your heart yearns and longs to meet it Avith forgiveness, with God-like forgive- ness, bestowed on the gospel ground of repentance. But, children, I fear you will think mother is preaching you a sermon, instead of writing a letter. Pardon me, if I have burdened you thus, for you know this is not your moth- er's way to teach you Christ's religion. Her way has been to practice godliness, and thus endeavor to be a " living epistle known and read of all men." But being absent, I am under the necessity of taking this method of instructing you. Your mother is doing here as she did at home, trying to secure her happiness in doing right; although by so doing, I often offend others by becoming thus a " terror to the evil doer, as well as a praise of them that do well." I can not express how much I regret the course your father has taken in separating me from your society and sympathy. But he is alone answerable for a great wrong by so doing. 0, how I do rejoice noAv that I never Avronged that man. J beg of you to do the same. Keep clear of guilt, however much he may tempt you. Remember, that to be angry, ia but to punish yourself for another's fault. Love yourselvea too well to do it, for you can not be really happy if you sin MY FIRST PAPER. 119 in the least thing. I do feel deeply sorry you have so deso- late a home. But be patient, and all will be right some time. Never do the least thing but what you would be will- ing the whole Avorld should know of it, for even your motives will all be revealed and exposed, either to your shame or your glory. This fact rejoices my heart; for could the world see my heart as it is, as God sees it, naught but love and good will to all mankind, to every individual, could be found there. Time will develop that even my persecutors can not find a truer friend to them than I am—none more ready and impa- tient to forgive them, if they will but repent. Don't be discouraged or disheartened, although the dark- ness which envelops us is so dense as to be felt, for these clouds are about to break in blessings on our heads. "Be- hind a frowning ProA'idence he hides a smiling face." Do your routine of duties faithfully, as you used to do when I Avas your guardian, and God avi'11 take care of our destiny. I do fully believe he is now working for us, in the best pos- sible manner. When we do meet, shan't Ave have enough to talk about? Won't we have "good talking times," as you used to say, when you sat in a circle about me, to hear me tell you true stories about my childhood ? But good by, for the present. Your loving mother, E. P. W. P. XX. How I obtained my first Writing Paper. On March 9th, 1861, I Avas allowed to pack the trunk of one of my most intimate associates in my Avard, Mrs. Bet- sey Clarke, Avho Avas to leave the next morning Avith her son, who had come for her. While packing it I had the good fortune to find four sheets of letter paper which had escaped the supervisor's notice. My good friend readily consented to 120 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. let me have it in exchange for some articles of my wardrobe which she needed, and thus I, an Asylum prisoner, became the honest owner of four sheets of paper ! a prize almost in- valuable to me. Hitherto all my efforts to obtain a sheet of paper had been futile, since the Doctor had given a general order to all the employees not to let me have paper or stationery of any kind after he had consigned me to this maniac's hall. I had Avrit- ten before this time on tissue paper, margin of newspapers, cotton cloth, or brown paper and such like, and had handed clandestinely letters Avritten on these materials to the trus- tees and Dr. Sturtevant, our chaplain, and retained copies of the same on the same materials where I now find them With these helps I had kept a private journal, too, from which the facts of this book are compiled. Noav, with these three sheets, I felt, under the circumstances, richer than any fortune could have made me. I wrote Avith a pencil ve- ry fine, so that I wrote two or three times the number of written lines as were ruled, so that I put a wonderful amount of matter on a very small surface. Mrs. Hosmer, the seAving room directress, knowing how eagerly I watched her sewing-room to get such writing ma- terials, ventured to try an experiment to gratify this wish on my part. Being a strict observer of all the rules of the house, she could not aid me in this desire without the Doctor's con- sent. She therefore bought a pocket diary, and asked Dr. McFarland's permission to make me a present of it on " New Year's." He consented, and I thus became the honest owner of another treasure of inestimable value. I used this most faithfully "for one entire year, and had just written my final entrv for the last day of December, and was just returning it into my bosom, its safe hiding place for one whole year, when lo! my door was suddenly and unexpectedly pushed open by the Doctor in his velvet slippers ; he thus caught me, before my treasure was out of sight. He sprang towards me and seized it forcibly from my hand, before I could get it into my bosom, and sitting doAvn began to read aloud from it, in spite AN HONORABLE ACT. 121 of my protests against his seeing my private meditations. He made fun of some portions; others he tore spitefully, from the book, saying as he did so ''that is a lie!" I begged that he would return it without tearing it. But he heeded nothing I said, either in defence of its truth, or of my claim to it, as by his consent I had obtained it. But instead, put it into his vest pocket, and walked off with it. This is the last I ever saw of this part of my Asylum diary. My journal covering this period is complete. XXI. An Honorable act in Dr. McFarland. • Mrs. Sullivan, a sane woman, was put in here by her drunk- en husband, on the plea of insanity. She was brought hand- cuffed, and half of the hair pulled out of her head. Of course the husband's testimony must be credited, for who could de- sire more to protect a woman than he ? Yes, Mr. Sullivan, the Avarm-hearted Irishman, showed his regard for his wife in the same manner that Mr. Packard, and many other husbands do, by legally committing her to Dr. McFarland's protection, who, so far as my knowledge extends, has never yet been true to this sacred trust. This quick tempered Irishman had a quarrel with his wife, because she asserted her inalienable right to a pair of new shoes, and he being the stronger of the two in physical force, got her handcuffed, and pulled out the hair from half her head with his OAvn hand, and forced her in here as soon as the " forms of law" could be gone through with. And what could Mrs. Sullivan do in self-defence ? All her representations would be listened to as the ravings of a maniac ! What is her testimony Avorth after the "forms of law" have been gone through Avith, proving her insanity? Mrs. Sullivan is legal- ly entered as an insane person, on legal testimony ; and now the Doctor is shielded in doing what he pleases with her, for F 122 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. what is an insane person's testimony Avorth? Nothing. Thus shielded, he applies his instruments of torture to this oppress- ed bleeding heart, for the benevolent purpose of making her willing to return to her husband, and yield unanswering obedience to this martial subjection ! Yes, his benevolent plan is at length achieved, and he soon succeeds in making her so much more wretched and forlorn then before, that her former woes and wrongs sink into oblivion in comparison, and she begins to cry and beg to go home. " 0, take me back to my children and husband, and lAvillbless you forever." Now his patient is recovering ! 0, what an astonishing cure ! "How much that great.Dr. Mc Farland knoAvs more than any other man the secret of curing the insane wife !" But the cure must be sure and permanent, before her case is represented as fit for removal. She has not yet performed her share of unrequited labor for the State of Illinois, as ite slave ; and if she is a good and efficient workman, there may be weeks, months, years of imprisonment yet before her, ere her cure is complete ! Now the doctor is the only competent one to report her case to her friends or husband. No attend- ant's report can be relied upon, much less the prisoner herself. All communication is cut off, and the slave has naught to do but to work and suffer in silent, mute submis- sion to her prison keepers. She dare not utter a complaint, lest the tortures be again resumed. Her children may sicken and die, but she must know nothing about them. Indeed, she must be dead as to earth life, until her share of slave toil is completed. And if very useful as a slave, she may possibly get the diploma of " hopelessly insane " attached to her name as an offset for these many years of slavery ! And then the friends solace themselves, that the very best means of cure have been used, since none so skillful as the learned Dr. McFarland can be found any where; and although they deplore the fate of an all wise Providence, yet, to Dr. McFarland their heartfelt gratitude will be most signally due, for the kind, humane treatment he bestowed upon her, by having done all that human ingenuity could devise to AN HONORABLE ACT. 123 cure her! A true and'faithful picture of many a real case in this Asylum. But how did Mrs. Sullivan's case come out? After a time, the thought of her poor, defenceless, unprotected children, with none but a drunken father to care for them, pressed so fearfully upon her maternal sympathies, that she ventured to plead to go back to them again. But in vain ! No plea can compassionate the heart of her present protector. Her tears, her sighs, her entreaties, her arguments, fall unheeded and apparently unheard upon his ear, for he will not stop to hear a patient's story, however rational or consistent—yea, the more rational the more unheeded, apparently. She is then sent to the wash room or ironing room, and sewing room, and compelled to Avork to droAvn her sorrow or stifle its utterance. But what if her children do need her services more than the State? What does Dr. McFarland care for her children, or for the fate of a mother avIio has been cast off by her hus- band ? Nothing. He cares for his own selfish interests, and nothing else. If to his view his advantage is gained, he will send her home ; if not, he will keep her at work for the State ; for the laAvs of his own suggesting protect him from all harm, no matter how much he harms the prisoners. After months of faithful labor, he found the tide of the house was setting against him, by keeping this sane woman so long from her family, and when he dared not resist this influence longer, he sent to her husband to take her home ; but he would not come for her. And now comes the honor- able act on the part of the Doctor. He lent her money and sent her home alone. A few days after I ventured to congrat- ulate the Doctor on doing so noble a deed, adding, "If what I have been told Avas true, you have represented her in the discharge as one who has been falsely represented as insane." This creditable part of the representation he indignantly de- nied, saying, "No, she came here insane, was cured, and sent home." "No, Dr. McFarland, she did not come here insane; she came here an abused woman—shamefully abused by a drunk- 12-4 the prisoner's hidden life. en husband. She needed protection, but not punishment, such as you have bestOAved upon her. But no, the ' lords of creation' must be protected! or oppressed woman Avill rise and assert her rights, and man then -will fail to keep her doAvn." What -will men do, Avhen this Government protects the married women in their right to themselves? 0, when this great Woman Subjector, Dr. McFarland, is exposed, where will these men send their wives to get them "broke in?" 0! where? XXII Married Women Unprotected. I came here in defence of the same principle that Mrs. Sullivan did, with this difference; she used her right^of self- defence in a different manner from what I did. She used physical force in resisting usurpation ; I did not. I never did, nor never will quarrel with any one. I have followed Christ's direction, " If thy brother smite thee on the one cheek, turn to him the other also." Yes, when my husband, only once however, has ventured in his insane anger to lay violent hands upon me, I have just quietly yielded, saying, while his clenched fist was threatening me, " Yes, kill me if you desire to, I shall make no resistance—my natural life is of too little value to me, to defend it at the risk of injuring you." By thus yielding, his reason was restored to him, and he would not harm me. Mrs. SulliA^an pursued a different mode of self-defence, but the issue is just the same in both cases. Our husbands, both succeeded in getting us entered here on the plea of insanity, and 1, although so perfectly harmless in my mode of self- defence, am required to stay three or four times her term of imprisonment ! But,0, for woman's sake I suffer it. I will try to continue to suffer on, patiently and uncomplainingly, confidently hoping that my case will lead community to inves- MARRIED WOMAN UNPROTECTED. 125 tigate for themselves, and see why it is, that so many sane women are thus persecuted at this period of the christian era. The sad truth that man has fallen from his noble position of woman's protector, and become her subjector, when appre- hended, may lead our Government to give protection to the identity of the married woman, so that she can be as sure of legal protection, where she does not receive the marital, as if she were single. When, therefore, she needs legal protection from marital usurpation, she can obtain it directly from her Government, as other citizens uoav can. This period of subjection through which woman is passing, is developing her self-reliant character, by compelling her to defend herself, in order to secure the safety of her own soul. That class of men who Avish to rule woman, seem intent on destroying her reason, to secure her subjection. If they can not really put out this light in her, which so much annoys them, they will credit this work as done, by falsely accusing her of insanity, and when once branded by Dr. McFarland's diploma of " hopelessly insane," they fondly think they can keep her under their feet. And this has actually been done in many instances, by the help of the Illinois Insane Asylum. Instead, therefore, of going to the wash-room to serve the State of my adoption by my labor, I am trying to serve it by writing facts and impressions respecting this Institution, hoping thus to promote the interests of the State more directly, than in any other manner. The evils of this Insti- tution are so momentous and aggravating, that my own private wrongs seem lost, almost, in the aggregate. And besides, the working of this Institution is so carefully covered up, and so artfully concealed from the public eye, that the external world knows nothing of the "hidden life of the prisoner," within. Therefore the journal of an eye witness taken on the spot, is uoav presented to the public, as the mirror in Avhich to behold its actual operations. It shall be one of the highest aspirations of my earth-life, to expose these evils for the purpose of rem- edying them. It shall be said of me, " She hath done what she could." 126 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. Since the emancipation of the slave, the most unprotected class of American citizens are the wives of such men as claim subjection to be the laAV of marriage. The subduing husband has it in his power to make his partner the most abject slave in the universe, since the laAvs protect him in so doing. Since the common laAV of marriage deprives the married woman of her individual identity, she has therefore no chance, Avhile her husband lives, to defend her inalienable rights from his usurpation. Even her right of self-defence on the plane of argument is denied her, for Avhen she reasons, then she is insane ! and if her reasons are wielded potently, and with irresistible logic, she is then exposed to hopeless impris- onment, as the response of her opponent. This is now her legalized penalty for using her own reason in defence of her identity ! My husband has not only accepted of my identity as the law gi\Tes it to him, but he has also usurped all the minor gifts included in it. The gift from God, which I prize next to that of my personal identity, is my right of maternity, to my right to my own offspring, which he claims is his exclu- sively, by separating me entirely from them, with no ray of hope from him or the law, that I shall ever see them more. This is to me a living death of hopeless bereavement. Bereft of six lovely children by the will of my husband, and no one dare defend this right for me, for the law extends protection to such kidnappers. Yes, any husband can kidnap all of his own children, by forcibly separating them from the mother who bore them, and the laws defend the act! ! The mother of the illegitimate child is protected by the laAV, in the right to her OAvn offspring, while the laAvfully married Avife is not. Thus the only shield maternity has under the laws, is in pros- titution. Again, my property is all shipwrecked, and legally claimed by this usurper. And as I did not hold it in my own name, as the statute laws now allow, I am, on the principle of com- mon law, legally robbed of every property ri^ht. The hus- band does not expose all his rights to usurpation when he MY LIFE IMPERILLED. 127 marries ; why should he make laws to demand this exposure to his wife and daughter? Are women in less need of protection than men, simply because they are weaker, and therefore more liable to usurpation ? Nay, verily, the weak- est demand the strongest protection, instead of none at all. 0, when will man look upon woman as his partner, instead of dependent ? 0, I do need the protection of law to shield my rights from my usurper; but I have none at all, so long as I am a married woman. And Dr. McFarland assures me, too, that so long as I claim my right of opinion and conscience, no church will extend fellowship to me. Therefore, my attempt to follow Christ, in holding myself as a responsible moral agent, rather than an echo or a parasite, has cast me out of the protection of the laAV, and also out of the pale of the Christian church, if what the Doctor tells me is true. Well, be it so ; I am determined to ever deserve the love, respect, confidence, and protection of my husband ; and I am equally determined to secure a rightful claim to the fellowship of all Christian churches, by living a life of practical godliness. XXIII. My Life Imperilled. My life is almost daily and hourly endangered. For ex- ample : I was one morning sitting in a side room by myself, for the purpose of enjoying my secret devotions undisturbed, which privilege the matron had kindly granted, as my own dormitory had too many occupants to allow me any opportu- nity of praying in secret, and being compelled, hoAvever, by Dr. McFarland's special order, to have the door of this closet Avide open, while I occupied it for this purpose, I was com- pelled to submit to any such intruders as might chance to walk in. Miss Jenny Haslett was one of the two maniacs who came in this morning, and seated herself on a low stool 128 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. at my feet. I was alwavs obliged to carry my chair and foot stool Avith me wherever 1 sat down, and by this arrangement I had my Asylum writing table, my lap, always with me. and at these times I made my entries into my journal and diary. The other maniac sat on the floor under the window. I quiet- ly read my chapter, while Jenny amused herself playing with the trimming on the front of my dress. I closed my bible, and resting my eyes upon her, reflected upon the sad condi- tion of this human wreck of existence before me. She waa a handsome delicate girl of eighteen years, who Avas made in- sane by disappointed affection, and although generally harm- less, yet at times, liable to sudden frenzies, from causes un-* known. I could often hear her crying in the dead of night for "Willie, 0, my dear Willie ! do, do, como back to me— 0 Willie ! Willie ! I do love you !" It may be that I aroused some antagonistic feeling, and disturbed some pleasant reverie of hers, when I bent forward and with my hands parted the short hair which fell over her fine forehead, and then bestowed upon it a gentle kiss of ten- der pity. In an instant the response came, in a blow from her clenched fist upon my left temple, of such stunning force, that for a moment I was lost to consciousness ; for the blow seemed more like the kick of of a horse, than the hand of a human which inflicted it. My spectacles Avere thrown across the room by the blow, but I Avas not thrown from my seat. As soon as I realized what had happened, I returned her fiendish gaze with a look of pity, and exclaimed. " Why Jenny, you have struck me !" "Yes, and I am going to knock your brains out I" said she, with furious emphasis, and clenched fists. Without speaking again, I quietly and calmly Avithdrew in- to the hall, where I found my kind attendant, Miss Minerva Tenny, whose quick perception read the tale, and without my speaking a word, she exclaimed, " 0, Mrs Packard, Avhat a Avound you have got upon your temple ! What has hap- pened ?" " Jenny has struck me ; please get me some cold water to bathe it in." " You will need something more than MY LIFE IMPERILLED. 129 water, it is a terrible bloAv ! I will go for Dr. Tenny." Af- ter bringing me the Avater, she Avent for him, and he, like a ten- der brother, came and pitied me, and while I rested my throb- bing head against his strong manly arm, I wept for joy at the comfort his Avords of pity brought with them to my forsaken heart. " Dr. Tenny, can you protect my life ?" " Mrs Packard, I would protect you if I could, but, like you, I am a subordinate ; my power is limited." " Will not the state be held responsible for these exposures of my life, to Avhich Dr. McFarland subjects me? I think this appeal ought to be made." Without answering this question he insisted that he would do all he could to help and protect me. And he did do so. I think Dr. McFarland was restrained by his manly interfer- ence. Still, the citadel of his heart was not reached either by Dr. Tenny's or my son's appeals, to remove me to some safer ward ; and never shall I forget the heartless response he made, as he, the next day Avhen, for the first time, he be- held my swollen face and throbbing temples, as I lay in agony upon my bed, from the effects of this injury, after I had told him all the circumstances, how I simply bestowed upon her forehead a loving kiss as the only provocation, he simply remarked, as he turned away—" It is no uncommon thing to receive a blow for a kiss !" These were the only words eith- er-of sympathy or regret I got from the Doctor, although the Avound Avas then in such a state of great inflammation that Mrs. McFarland expressed herself, "you may consider yourself fortunate, Mrs. Packard, if you do not noAv lose your eye as the result." For weeks.I carried the marks of this blow, by a deep black temple and eyes, so that a stranger would hard- ly have recognized me during this period. But instead of shielding me better after this, he not only let Jenny remain in the Avard, but he afterwards brought up Mrs. Triplet, from the Fifth ward, and from this time she, the most dangerous patient in the Avhole female wards, Avas seated by my side at the table. I seldom seated myself at the table after this, without hearing the threat from Mrs. Triplet, "I F2 130 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. shall kill you !" And I considered myself very fortunate if I left the table-without being spit upon by her, or by having her tea, or coffee, or gravy, or sauce thrown upon my dress. At one time my right hand companion was suddenly aroused to the attitude of self-defence, by having a knife hurled at her temples or eyes, by one of our insane compan- ions opposite. This aroused others to seize their knives and forks and chairs, in self-defence, and there is no knoAving what a scene might have ensued, had not our attendants been on hand to confine the infuriated ones. There is no knowing at Avhat instant these scenes may occur, for I have often seen them, Avithout the least apparent provocation, suddenly seize the tumblers, salt-cellars, plates, bowls, and pitchers, and hurl them about in demoniac frenzy, so that the broken glass and china would fly about our face and eyes like hail stones. The defence which maniacs resort to is, rendering evil for evil, abuse for abuse, so that the beginning of a soene amonc twenty-five or thirty of them is no telling what the end may be. And yet this institution receives such, and puts them all into one room, while the family plead that one is too dan- gerous to trust in a family! What would they think to have twenty-five in one family? For more than two years has Dr. McFarland imperilled my life, by compelling me to occupy a ward among this class, not knowing at what moment my life might be taken away, or I receive some distressing injury. Many times have I made the most touching appeals to him to save my life; but even before I could finish my sentence, he would turn and walk indifferently away, without uttering one syllable. Once alone do I find recorded, that he deigned a reply, which was under these circumstances. Lena, a stage actress, who had become insane from a fall through the stage platform, had been dragging me around the ward by the hair of my head, and unless the attendant had been near to aid me, I might not have been able to extricate myself from her grasp at all. Lena had, like Jenny, always seemed pleased to have me notice and caress her, as was my habit MY LIFE IMPERILLED. 131 with them all who would allow it, until this time, when she turned upon me and treated me as I have described. After stating these facts, I added, " Now, Doctor, I think a sane person is more in danger than the maniacs, for they will fight back, while I will not." "Supposing," said he, "a person should enter your room with a loaded pistol and aim it at you, and you had one by you which, by your using first, could save your own life, Avould you not shoot to save yourself? " "No, Doctor, I Avould not; because my nature does not prompt me to defend myself in this manner. I have such an instinctive dread of taking the life of another, that I would rather die myself than kill another." "I should, audi think everyone would do the same in self-defence." "I presume you would, and so would most men, for they were made to be the protectors and defenders of the weaker sex, and the man avIio Avould not do it in defence of a de- fenceless woman, is less than a man." However, I could not con\Tince the Superintendent that he was under any obligation to defend my life, and unless I had strength and courage enough to defend it myself, I must die; for so far as convincing him that he had any responsibility about the case, it was impossible to-make him comprehend it. In vieAV of such facts as these I should not be at all surprised, if, when the thoughts of the heart are reA-ealed, it Avill then be manifest that he placed my life thus in jeopardy among maniacs, hoping they might kill me ! ! There is no fathoming the vast depths of his Avickedness. I do not be- lieve there is anything he could not be induced to do, if he felt that his self-promotion demanded it. His conscience Avould interpose no barrier to the perpetration of any act of inhumanity which he thought his popularity demanded. 132 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. XXIV. Hope of Dr. McFarland's llcpentance. (from my journal.) My only hope of Dr. McFarland lies in his repentance. Mrs. Hosmer says, "The Doctor is a villain." I have been free to admit, from Avhat I know of him, that he is a very cruel, unfeeling man. Still, unlike Mrs. Hosmer, I believe in repentance, and my only hope of him lies in this principle. Saul Avas once a very cruel man, but repentance saved him. And hope is not utterly extinct, that Dr. McFarland may yet, like him, repent. Mrs. Hosmer says she can tell facts of his treatment of patients here, to her knowledge, Avhich Avould make my flesh creep to hear the recital of. She thinks "as he has been, he still is, and will continue to be." When I bring up proofs of his being different in some respects from what he was before I reproved him, she insists upon it that these are only false appearances, assumed as a disguise to delude me and others into the belief that he has repented. She says the attendants who are humane, are not so owing to the Doctor's influence, but to a principle of humanity Avithin themselves. She says that the Doctor has practiced this strategic policy so long, that he can easily delude and deceive one of as charitable an organization as my own. I admit that this may be the case; still, 1 think there is more hope in making my appeals to his honor, as a handle by Avhich to lead him to repentance, than to make him feel that I expect no good of him. In order to lead him by his honor, I must feel a degree of confidence in the efficiency of this principle, or I shall be acting a double part myself. I can not make him feel that I have hopes of him, Avhile I haA^e none, without being a hypocrite. I feel that the secret of true love lies in winning rather than in driving the soul to Christ. By patient continuance in well doing, I Avait for the bright fruition of the sustaining hope that he will yet repent sincerely; that he will turn from his wickedness and live a different life. I do long to see him " YOU SHOULD RETURN." 133 brought to an acknowledgment of the truth, before I leave this Asylum. I have reason to think his wife is already able to see the fallacy he is trying to sustain in calling me an insane person. She said to me, "you never would have been permitted to enter this institution had Ave known what we now do." This to my mind is saying, " we do not consider you a fit subject for this institution, on the ground of your being insane, nor have Ave reason to believe you have been so at home." She told me that Dr. Sturtevant's course towards their minis- ter, Mr. Marshall, had done much to open her eyes to the truth. As much as to say, " if human creeds can so influence one man to trespass upon the rights of another, may they not have influenced Mr. Packard to trespass on the inalienable rights of his wife." I intend Dr. McFarland shall never hereafter have occasion to reproach me for not having Avarned him, and used all avail- able mean to bring him to repentance. He shall have occa- sion to say of me as Belshazzar said of Daniel, when the de- struction cume upon him, of Avhich the faithful prophet Avarned him "0, Daniel, Daniel, would that I had heeded thy warn- ing before it was too late !" In short, I intend to do my du- ty to Dr. McFarland and leave results with God. XXV. •'You should Return to your Husband." One day in my extreme distress I presented the following note to Dr. McFarland. , "My Brother in Christ, I am suf- fering a temptation from the poAvers of darkness to swerve from my purpose of holy obedience to God's revealed will. As a sister in Christ, in deep affliction, I began interest in your prayers that my faith fail not. Your sister, in Christ, E. P. W. P." 134 THE PRISONERS HIDDEN LIFE. After glancing at it, and reading so far as " to swerve from my purpose of holy obedience," &c, he feelingly inquired, "What do you mean by your temptation?" " I feel only tempted to complain of my lot, and to impa- tiently wish to be delivered out of the power of my persecu- tors. Doctor, I do so want my freedom ! But I am not tempted to desire it at the expense of my conscience, that is, I am not tempted in the least by a desire to return to my husband, nor could any influence tempt me to do this deed, since for me it Avould be a sin against God to do so." " Well, to pray for you—I want to do for you ! what can I do?" "Do right ; by letting me have my liberty to support my- self, as other wives do who cannot live with their husbands." " The only right course for you is to return to your hus- band, and do as a true woman should do ; be to him a true and loving Avife, as you promised to be by your marriage vow, unto death, and until you do consent to do so, there is no pros- pect of your getting out of this place ! for until you will give up this insane unreasonable notion of your duty forbidding it, I consider this institution the proper place for yon to spend your days in, for you must be maintained somewhere, by char- ity, if it is not true as you pretend that you have helpers outside avIio promise you pecuniary aid, but give neither you nor me any guarantee to that effect." " I do not feel that I am an .object of charity so long as I have health and abilities to render me self-reliant ; although I knoAV my situation is a very unpleasant one for a woman, reported to be lost to reason, to contend with. For avIio will desire or employ an insane person as housekeeper, cook, nurse or teacher ; still I could try, and if I did not succeed I could drop into a poor-house, such as the laws of the state provide for the indigent to die in." " What poor-house ?" " Jacksonville, if I could get no further." " No, you have no claim there." "Manteno, then." "YOU SHOULD RETURN." 135 "No, you are not a woman who can be trusted, for your own conduct here has proved you to be entirely unworthy of trust or confidence. You have abused the trust I have re- posed in you, and betrayed me in every possible way, by mis- representation and abuse. You have proved to me,that you are all that your husband represents you to be, that he is an injured and abused man, and you are a worthless woman, for it is impossible for your husband to be such a man as you rep- resent him to be and sustain the spotless character, as a minister, which he does, and always has." "Don't I know, Doctor, a little more of his private charac- ter, as a husband, than any other one ? and is it not possible for one to assume a false character abroad? Have not the fall of many good men, reported above censure, proved that it is sometimes the case ?" " No, I think it is impossible for your account of him to be a true one, and I regard this institution as the only fit place for you, so long as you are not Avilling to return to him." "Is it right, here in America to coerce a woman's con- science, compelling her to do what she believes to be wrong? My views of my personal duty is my rule for me, as your views are for you. I regard it as persecuting Christianity thus to treat me, and that the cloak of insanity is the only legalized popular mode of doing it at the present day." " No, Mrs. Packard, you are talking unreasonably, in an insane manner, and all reasonable, people will call it so, for you to so represent duty ; and so long as you hold on to these views, there is no hope for a change that I can see." "Now I understand you. Now I am satisfied, for the real- ity, however painful, is far less unbearable than suspense. I noAvknoAv what Mrs. Hosmer told me is true, although I was loth to believe you Avere so entirely lost to justice and honor. She said there w